Sometimes the most important things we have to say are the ones we never do.
Dear Mary,
There has hardly been a day in these thirty years when I have not thought of you. … I have looked for you wherever I have been — malls, airports, shopping centers, conventions, festivals, grocery stores — hoping that somehow I might be able to spot you again to talk to you and tell you the things that I am telling you now. … I want you to know I am so sorry … for taking you for granted back then, and sorry for not treating you like the precious treasure you were. Sorry for my letting us go our separate ways …
Love, Harvey, age 59 
Dear Birth Mom,
… I am the woman I am today because you had the strength and the selflessness to give up your baby girl. I pray that the Lord blesses you and gives you peace because you truly did the right thing. Your baby girl thanks you.
Your daughter, age 23
Dear Daddy,
I wanted to say I love you and that I did not want you to move out of the house. Every time you would leave, I would start to cry. … I got to stay with you last year for only two weeks and that made me sad. I hope I get to stay with you a little longer this year.
Love,
Leia, age 9
Across the divides of time, estrangement and death, the words express the most intimate of thoughts in that most public of venues — a Web site, wouldhavesaid.com
The project is the brainchild of Jackie Hooper, a 24-year-old law firm receptionist in Portland, Ore., who found herself unexpectedly moved by the ski accident death of actress Natasha Richardson in March 2009.
“It reminded me how quickly things change, how quickly someone can be in your life and then out of it,” she said.
She decided to collect letters expressing unspoken thoughts, and began visiting Portland-area schools, jails and retirement homes seeking submissions. When she created the site, her search turned national. In 14 months, she has gotten nearly 1,000 letters.
They run the gamut of human experience. A 10-year-old girl wrote a letter asking her father to stop drinking. Women have written to children they lost through adoption or abortion. People have apologized to long-ago schoolmates for not speaking up when they were bullied.
Freed by anonymity and with a Web site as the recipient, the writers candidly express grief, love and anger. A 24-year-old woman wrote this to her father:
You don’t know how it hurt to see you at grandmom’s funeral with your new wife and her daughter. She’s about my age. Why are you willing to take care of her, your stepdaughter, but not your own children? Were we not good enough?
The experience of writing the letters can be so therapeutic that participants have written to Hooper to thank her.
“It was very cathartic,” said Jessica Vick, 31, of the Ravenswood neighborhood, who submitted a letter to her mother, who died a year and a half ago.
“I love you Mom. I always did, always will and never told you enough. … I relive that week in hospice over and over again. How I wish I could’ve had one last conversation with you. … I treasure you. I treasure all the things you taught me about being strong, and the things in life that are truly important. I admire the fight you fought for eight years. How I wish you suffered less, but how I know you made the ultimate sacrifices for us, your family.
“I never had a chance to say any of this to her,” Vick said. “That last conversation, where you want to tell somebody exactly what they’ve meant and all they’ve done — you don’t ever want to have it. It’s as if you’re finally saying goodbye. And my mom fought so hard for so long; I didn’t want to be the one to give up on her.”
She had written a version of the letter before and sent it to a phantom e-mail address she created. But being able to send it to wouldhavesaid.com was more meaningful. “By putting it out there like that, I feel like she’s reading it,” Vick said.
Hooper is gratified by the letters — she posts one a day on the site — and the way people are connecting with one another on the Facebook fan page she created. To her, the project is a reminder that if you have something to say, “It’s really important not to wait.”
For those who wait, or who have held a silence to avoid being hurtful or getting hurt, her Web site is ready to listen.
