Heard about that World Cup soccer thing that’s been going on for the last month? Want to watch the championship game Sunday but feel woefully unprepared? We’re here to help.
Why do the announcers keep calling it football?
Because the rest of the world does.
Um, isn’t it called soccer?
It is, but ESPN hired a bunch of Brits to announce the games, and that’s what they call it. The British created the game, and they’re very good at doing that whole charming, understated, Hugh-Grant-in-“Four-Weddings-and-a-Funeral” thing behind the mic.
I’m going to cheer for the U.S.!
You’re too late (thanks a lot, Ghana). Despite some gritty performances, the U.S. team exited the Cup in the second round. Since we’re not a soccer/football/futbol powerhouse, it’s a respectable showing. People around the world now respect us. Sort of.
So, who is playing?
Spain against the Netherlands. This is a great matchup. It’s like getting a Patriots- Giants Super Bowl or a Cardinals- Red Sox World Series.
What’s that swarm of locusts I hear?
Those are called vuvuzelas. They’re plastic horns that fans use to make a racket during the game. Some South Africans say they’re a part of the country’s sporting heritage, while critics claim they’ve only been around for a couple of decades and are, frankly, annoying as hell.
Are there any rules I need to know?
1) You can’t use your hands unless you’re a goalie. 2) See rule No. 1. Beyond that, the point is to kick the ball in the goal more times than the other team. If the game is tied at the end, the teams go to penalty kicks — which are a lot like a hockey shootout. We’d try to explain the offsides rule, but the refs don’t understand it so why should we?
Which team should I root for?
Spain won the European Championships two years ago and has been the best team in the world since. In past years, the team has had a reputation for being the most talented choke artist of all time, having spectacularly blown chances in the Cup before. Also, Spain possesses great beaches, superior pork products and an awesome tradition of naps in the middle of the day.
