First dates, for all the hand-wringing devoted to them, are hardly trusty guideposts in the quest for romance.
Everyone’s nervous, on their best behavior and trying to impress. You leave ecstatic that you found a perfect match with nary a flaw (cue the reality check and fall from pedestal), or tepidly optimistic that the awkwardness will subside with time.
It’s the second date — an oft-overlooked rung on the dating ladder before the all-important third date, when by some unwritten rule singles expect to get more intimate — that’s a better harbinger of a relationship’s potential. People are more relaxed on the second date, shedding the perfect or angst-ridden versions of themselves for something resembling reality.
“Most people are anything but themselves on a first date, so it’s almost like a throwaway,” said Andrea Lavinthal, co-author of “Your So-Called Life” (HarperCollins, $14.95), a guide to entering “real” adulthood in your late 20s and early 30s.
“The first date is really the icebreaker,” said therapist and relationship coach Brian Rzepczynski, founder of thegaylovecoach.com. “The second date is a very important time to really get to know someone, and their true personality and beliefs.”
How can you make the most of Date Two?
Here’s a guide to navigating the second date, drawing on advice from a collection of dating pros, including Lavinthal; Rzepczynski; dating coach Marni Battista, founder of Datingwithdignity.com; family and marriage therapist Tiy-E Muhammad, and dating coach Evan Marc Katz, author of “Why You’re Still Single” (Plume, $15).
Lavinthal, beauty editor at realbeauty.com, is a dating pro by experience if not certification, and can tick off a series of second date disasters: the time she and her date got so drunk neither remembered how the night ended; the time her date kept her up all night talking about his ex-fiancee; the time her date texted her before their second date to remind her to “look hot.”
The point is to have fun, keep it lighthearted and happy, and chill out.
“One of the biggest issues people have in dating is that they make such a big deal about dating,” Katz said. “The more you worry about if someone’s going to like you, the less likely that they’re going to like you.”
Where to go
Opt for a date with action and room for conversation: See a band, take in a comedy club or try a new wine bar or tapas joint, Lavinthal said. Avoid going to the movies, where you can’t talk, or quiet candlelit dinners, which are like romantic pressure cookers. Also avoid making it a group outing, which can put pressure on your date to impress your friends, Lavinthal said.
Go for random, eclectic and fun: the grilled-cheese invitational, the lobster fest, the art fair, places “where you can walk around and look at things and laugh at them,” Katz said. Try to find something neither of you has done before, because people connect by sharing new experiences, suggested Battista.
Venues with lots of light — and without booze — are best, said Muhammad, who recommends taking a walk through a museum, a park or an aquarium. Although alcohol and dim lighting can loosen up your nerves, they often invite people to act differently than their true selves, he said.
What to talk about
Assuming you covered the basics during the first date — jobs, hometowns, hobbies — the second date is a time to probe a little deeper to find out what makes this person tick.
Battista calls it “gentle data collection,” asking questions with a “quiet curiosity” to see if you have the same values and relationship goals. Some of her favorite questions: “What kind of relationship do you have with your parents?” “What do you do to recharge your batteries?” “What is it about your work that makes you most excited in the morning?”
The death knell for any date, however, is if it feels like an interview. The conversation should be spontaneous, and your questions should reflect genuine interest, not a checklist.
“If your agenda is ‘Where is this going? What’s wrong with this guy? Could he be the father of your children?’, he can tell, and it turns him off,” Katz said.
Date Two is also a time to reveal details about yourself you may have kept under wraps for the first date, when you were busy being perfect.
“Maybe on the first date I won’t reveal that I watch ‘Pretty Little Liars’ and drink white wine spritzers,” Lavinthal said, “but I will on the second date.”
What not to talk about
Though it’s best to knock off the perfect act, you don’t want to let it all hang out, Lavinthal cautioned. She said she’s often guilty of TMI — Too Much Information — and it doesn’t go over well.
“Why do I have to tell people that I still have stuffed animals, and their names, and that I usually take one on the plane with me?” she said.
Even seemingly playful conversations about sex — “What’s the kinkiest thing you ever did?” — are inadvisable early on, because they can paint a misleading picture of you at a juncture when your date doesn’t have a larger context of who you are, Battista said.
Money, politics, religion, past relationships and other highly sensitive topics also are “absolute No’s” for the first few dates, Muhammad said, because you risk offending your date.
But some dating experts say no topic is taboo, as long as you avoid over-sharing and remain diplomatic.
“I think you’re allowed to talk about anything under the sun, provided you can see it from the other person’s perspective,” Katz said. For example, if talk turns to exes, don’t talk too negatively or too positively about them, he said.
Red flags
It generally takes at least three dates before you really get to know someone, so don’t try ruling a mate in or out by the end of Date Two, Battista said. Still, it’s worth keeping an eye on some behaviors that could be red flags, she said.
Was she rude to the waiter? Is he high maintenance? Was she sarcastic or condescending? Did he call when he said he would?
Did she reciprocate your questions and show interest in you, or talk only about herself? Did he check his cell phone or BlackBerry throughout the date (without apologizing and explaining why it couldn’t wait)? Does she have her own friends and hobbies, or would her life revolve around your romantic relationship? Did he complain too much?
Because best behavior starts to fade after the first date, these flags might start to emerge on the second. But Katz warns not to jump to conclusions.
“You can take a dating misstep and blow it up into a huge character flaw,” Katz said. “If you make everything into a deal-breaker, you will always find a deal-breaker.”
The only thing men and women should watch out for on a second date, he said, is whether it feels easy, and whether it’s fun.
One more thing: Stay away from gift-giving. “You’re trying to introduce a degree of intimacy prematurely that hasn’t been established yet,” Rzepczynski said. “Good manners and being attentive go much further.”
Sex
If your goal is a long-term relationship, the dating cognoscenti agree that it’s best not to jump in the sack. Not only should you treasure the anticipation, but sex also muddies your perception and gets you prematurely invested in the relationship, making it hard to think clearly about whether this person is a good match.
“Take it back to high school: first, second and third bases,” said Battista, whose rule for her clients is no sex for the first 60 days of dating. “Dates one through three should end vertical and clothed at the door.”
But no sex doesn’t mean no physical intimacy. Near the end of the date, if things are going well, a small physical gesture, like hand-holding or a kiss, are important to leave the person confident that you’re interested, said Rzepczynski.
“It validates to the other person that I like you,” he said. “Third dates sometimes don’t happen because that doesn’t get communicated.”
Old-fashioned chivalry
It may seem dated, but Katz insists men should always pay on the second date: “(Women) should always reach, and he should always say no,” he said.
The guy also should follow up with a phone call the day after the date, or two or three days later at the very most. If he waits longer than that, he’s not interested, or you’re not a priority, Katz said.
As for that “thank you” text we’re all so tempted to send after a fantastic date, Katz advises against it. The more a man has to chase you and win you over at the beginning, the better, he said.
