The people are focused on the gladiatorial games of the great Chicago Mayoral Festivus. And as the combatants enter the ring for the Chicago Tribune-City Club of Chicago debate Thursday night, isn’t it time that readers get their writes?
John, isn’t the campaign for mayor really a lot like Festivus, the fake holiday on the old “Seinfeld” show? Festivus for the Rest of Us had many rituals that are like mayoral politics, including the “Pole Raising,” the “Airing of the Grievances” and the “Feats of Strength.” If Rahm Emanuel wants to get rid of his residency problems and stay on the ballot, shouldn’t he show us how much he really wants it by performing some amazing “Feats of Strength”? How about a Rock/Paper/Scissors-for-arm-punches game with Mayor Daley? Or Jell-O wrestling with Gov. Jell-O? Jay C.
Dear Jay — Rahm can rip a city parking meter out of the ground with his bare teeth. And he’s acrobatic enough to tell the FBI that he never saw indicted former Gov. Rod Blagojevich do anything wrong, ever. But opponent Gery Chico also has amazing gifts. Chico is such an accomplished juggler, he can juggle all of his law firm’s City Hall lobbying clients, plus 14th Ward Ald. Ed Burke and House Speaker Michael Madigan, and never drop a dime. And I’m told that Carol Moseley Braun can balance her campaign strategist — notorious Daley hack “Whispering” Victor Reyes — on her forehead in front of reporters while pretending that he’s not really there.
Illinois is a political cesspool run by fiscal sociopaths! Tom S.
Dear Tom — Yeah, but at least our fiscal sociopaths go on to run the United States of America. Isn’t that cool?
Kass, you’re a goof. You’ve been saying the law is clear about Emanuel’s residency. I can’t wait for the Illinois Supreme Court to reverse you. Eagerly waiting your next tinfoil hat screed. Josh G.
Dear Josh — Though it pains me to admit it, you are correct. I actually do wear a tinfoil hat. It’s a stylish cone-shaped hat worn at a jaunty angle, but I wear it only when writing columns about the mayoral campaign. I have to wear it for protection against the great psychic powers of David Axelrod, Rahm’s buddy. When Axelrod channels the media, journalists numbly begin typing his exact thoughts. So that’s why I use heavy-duty aluminum foil. He can’t penetrate it. Also, it’s recyclable and you can use it to grill fish.
In the matter of Rahm staying on the ballot, why can’t the Illinois Supreme Court be impartial, just like the U.S. Supreme Court in Bush v. Gore? Jack M.
Dear Jack — Love the sarcasm, dude. But folks often forget that in 1982 in Illinois, there was an amazing state Supreme Court political decision. Big Jim Thompson, the father of the Combine Republicans, and Democratic Sen. Adlai Stevenson III had just finished a tough campaign for governor. Stevenson ended up trailing by roughly 5,000 votes, enough for a winnable recount. The matter went to the Illinois Supreme Court. The shocker? Liberal Democratic icon Justice Seymour Simon joined the Republicans and voted to back Thompson and kill the recount. Stevenson reasoned that Simon was angry because Stevenson had refused to put Simon on the federal bench. But the earthy asphalt and concrete guys made fortunes during Big Jim’s incredible spending sprees. And bipartisanship was saved.
Is this really all Eddie Burke’s fault? The state law says you have to “reside” in Chicago for the year before the election. But hey, whoever really thought that “reside in” actually means “live in”? Susan S.
Dear Susan — I guess it all depends on what the definition of is is.
I must be a dumb chumbolone, but if the Illinois Supreme Court agrees with Emanuel and keeps him on the ballot because he “intended” to live in the city, does this mean I can tell the IRS that I “intended” to pay my taxes? Mike T.
Dear Mike — Yeah, just tell the IRS agents that you intended to pay. Let me know what they say.
John, did you rent out your brains when you wrote about Rahm’s residency? You’re mean. Idelle I.
Dear Idelle — How many times do I have to say it? Rahm is smart enough to be mayor. I’d like him on the ballot. But not at the expense of hijacking the law for politics.
I don’t have a horse in this race. The potential candidates I liked, including former city Inspector General David Hoffman and former federal prosecutor and corruption buster Patrick Collins, didn’t run.
There was one fellow who would have defeated Daley in a one-on-one race, reform Ald. Scott Waguespack, 32nd. Waguespack terrified City Hall by actually speaking up against the cost of corruption. He began criticizing that terrible parking meter deal. He promised that if elected mayor, he’d hire IRS agents to conduct forensic audits of every department going back 20 years.
Almost immediately, Daley stepped down. Then the usual suspects — those who’d never dare challenge the mayor — crawled out of the bush and made like change agents. In such a crowded field, poor Waguespack was forced to withdraw.
The Mayoral Festivus of 2011 was born, just in time for the Airing of the Grievances.
