Starbucks has announced plans to roll out a 31-ounce “Trenta” size for chilled beverages. Here are a few other new cup sizes you can expect to follow.
Molto (45 ounces): The cup is reinforced with aluminum so it doesn’t bend from the weight of the liquid, and it comes with a complimentary handful of sugar cubes.
Sotto (60 ounces): You’ll need to be quiet while digesting this size so you can hear the sounds of your bladder tearing and call the hospital immediately.
Jittera (84 ounces): Perfect for the parent on the go who really needs help faking a seizure to get out of work and doesn’t mind regularly wetting himself.
Helpmi (110 ounces): By the time you make it through three-quarters of this chilled, caffeinated, sweetened beverage, your head will detach from your neck and hover over your body, watching it twitch uncontrollably as small children get farther and farther away from you.
Orca (330 ounces): Take one to your local aquarium and quench the thirst of a small whale.
Regretto (27,000 gallons): Approximately enough coffee to fill a small Starbucks.
Seth Weitberg is a writer and performer at The Second City.
