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Clark Jones: Whoever uttered the words “draft Chris Conte.” |
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Lisa Arnett: A player with impeccable fashion taste. |
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Scott Bolohan: Someone who can make them smile. |
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Bear Jordan: A babysitter for Jay Cutler’s kids. |
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Angi Taylor: About 10 Lance Briggs clones. |
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Clark Jones: A driving exam! A test to see how fast you can get Sam Hurd to a police station. |
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Lisa Arnett: Spin around on a bat 10 times and then do the 40-yard dash. |
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Scott Bolohan: Scantron drawing. |
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Bear Jordan: If you can outrun me, you automatically get an NFL contract. |
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Angi Taylor: Foot measurements! Am I right, ladies?! |
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Clark Jones: … somehow he will intercept Jay Cutler. |
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Lisa Arnett: … I will shed a very, very small tear. |
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Scott Bolohan: … Jay Cutler will get hurt. |
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Bear Jordan: … he’ll still never have to buy a drink when he’s in Chicago. |
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Angi Taylor: … Jay Cutler had better be protected better than the president. |
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Clark Jones: Inner city viewership will rise sharply to 3 percent. |
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Lisa Arnett: Gracie Gold trains for the next four years and brings home her namesake medal. |
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Scott Bolohan: Every human will say, “Wait, it’s cold enough in South Korea?” |
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Bear Jordan: Jonathan Toews will win another gold medal. After defecting to the United States. |
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Angi Taylor: Aja Evans wins gold, Johnny Weir co-hosts figure skating with new wife Bruce Jenner and #PyeongchangProblems blows up Twitter. |
5. The San Francisco Giants hired Barry Bonds as a special instructor. Discuss.
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Clark Jones: He’s cream of the crop and will inject clear life into the program — plus a bigger head. |
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Lisa Arnett: He’ll get to spend his 50th birthday on the West Coast. Lucky! |
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Scott Bolohan: What’s next? Someone hires the second best hitter ever? |
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Bear Jordan: Time for the Cubs to hire Sammy Sosa. Or just give up entirely. |
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Angi Taylor: For my steroid joke I’ll go with: He gets discounts on Whizzinators. |
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