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Sean Ely: Michigan State gets its freakin’ act together and wins the Big Ten tournament in Indianapolis. |
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Pete McMurray: The Cubs will go undefeated in the regular season in March! Well, as long as they beat the Pirates on March 31. Go Cubbies? |
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Ernest Wilkins: Wichita State wins the NCAA title! They’re gonna SHOCK the world! *falls through wall* |
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Elliott Serrano: “Crocodile Dundee 3” will begin filming on the back nine. |
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Sarah Spain: I will never be colder at a sporting event this month than I was at Soldier Field on March 1. |
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Sean Ely: … Sidney Crosby is to crying like a whiny little bit — er, baby. |
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Pete McMurray: … long lines are to Soldier Field bathrooms. I think my bathroom line started in Schaumburg! I’m still waiting to take a leak, people! |
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Ernest Wilkins: … Chicago is to the WWE: a perfect fit. |
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Elliott Serrano: … ice is to vodka. I was as chilled as a martini! |
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Sarah Spain: … a great high-heeled shoe is to a night out. Looks fantastic, stings a little. |
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Sean Ely: “Oh boy, this is just like high school gym class all over again.” |
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Pete McMurray: “Those angry people could be peeing in OUR garbage cans next year. Good times. Don’t eat the asparagus, please!” |
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Ernest Wilkins: “I’m sure happy we didn’t have a bunch of drunk goons in OUR … wait, never mind.” |
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Elliott Serrano: “We’re gonna need to stock up on hand warmers!” |
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Sarah Spain: “I can see it now … ME … FULL! Get the Hawks to play here and it could finally happen!” |
4. Welcome Jimmer Fredette to the Bulls.
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Sean Ely: Here in Chicago, we have a 3-point line. Please start utilizing it, because no one else here even remotely does. Go bonkers! |
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Pete McMurray: Jimmer, there was a great player named D-Rose long ago. *sniff* He was so good when he played those three games. So good. |
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Ernest Wilkins: Hey Jimmer! If we can trade for J.J. Redick, the Bulls can have the all-time awkward white college player team! |
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Elliott Serrano: Welcome, and did you remember to bring ear muffs? |
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Sarah Spain: Hey Jimmy. Uh, Jimmo. Er, Jimmer. Yeah, a lot of us aren’t gonna get that right. |
5. What’s the Desert Diamond Cup?
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Sean Ely: A container you can drink mass amounts of alcohol out of at Punch House in Pilsen? Shoutout to Best Bartender Carlos Matias III. |
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Pete McMurray: Something my college health center gave me after an encounter with Lisa Lawless at the Lucky Lady. YIKES! |
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Ernest Wilkins: A weird car race? A corporate golf thing sponsored by some kind of impotence pill? |
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Elliott Serrano: The place where I wish to place my frozen feet in since it sounds sooooooo warm. |
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Sarah Spain: The container I’ll be drinking out of all week at spring training in Arizona. Peace out, Chiberia! |
