Awards season is upon us, and many of you are probably scrambling to see all the films that have been nominated so that you can win the annual Oscar pool and a year’s worth of bragging rights that you kind of understand costume design.
Every Internet writer and their cousin is publishing who they think will win the coveted golden fallacies. So we put together our predictions for what to expect on the red carpet for the five hours preceding the actual ceremony:
BUTTER SANDWICHES
As a move to finally embrace both gender and racial equality, the Academy has chosen to exclusively recognize white actors in leading white roles from movies about white people. Diversity!
JENNIFER LAWRENCE’S ANNUAL FACE PLANT
First she stumbled on stage. Then last year, she fell while coming out of a limo. If she doesn’t trip on something physical, you can bet that she’ll trip on the memories of past years.
NICE GIRLS FINISH BOTTLES OF CHARDONNAY
Jennifer Aniston got dumped by Brad Pitt for a narcissistic philanthropist that came from John Voight’s loins. Anniston’s been teased with the idea of marriage and kids for years. She’s been hounded by the media with questions about her ever-crumbling personal life.
And now, after all of that, she’s been snubbed by the Academy for her performance in “Cake” by that one lady from “Batman.” Stay down Jen. Stay down.
WELCOME RETURNS … AND ALSO ETHAN HAWKE
As a long time fan, I could not be more excited to see Michael Keaton’s return to the red carpet. I have no doubt that he’ll be gracious, polite and gentlemanly. As for Ethan Hawke, well … he’s most likely to be focused on one thing: Ethan Hawke. Like, more seriously than anyone takes Ethan Hawke … ever.
THE GREAT WALL OF SPITE
The fact that “The Lego Movie” was not nominated is a travesty. I say we hire children from around the world to build a protest Lego wall blocking the entrance to the carpet. Adults can help too; it’s just that kids have smaller fingers so they work better. And cheaper. Like in those Lego factories.
ZOMBIE JOAN RIVERS
Let’s face it: If that woman is going to come back for anything, it’ll be to tear down a moderate celebrity for wearing fuchsia on a cool day. Not to mention we’ve already got one re-animated version of her decomposed skeleton: her daughter.
KEIRA KNIGHTLEY WILL NOT WIN
Don’t get me wrong, this is not a comment on her performance by any means. I’m just sincerely convinced that if she smiles too much, her under bite will swallow her face and eliminate her by forfeit.
SURE BET
The hosts of live-broadcast red carpet shows will tell you, “ANYTHING can happen!”
I’ve been watching the red carpet shows for years, and I work the red carpet at film festivals. Based on my experience, “ANYTHING” means “a team of Hollywood burnouts/spawns of celebrity sexperiments-turned-bullies will feign conversational interest for 30 seconds at a time while celebrities verbally masturbate using words their producers gave them in the limo.”
So yeah, “ANYTHING” can and will happen.
Paul “PK” Kingston is an Actor/Writer/Comedian who teaches Youth/Teen classes at The Second City Training Center in Toronto, Canada. Follow him on Twitter @PaulPKKingston.
