Last year, we at RedEye took our steamy temperaments to a new level with our very first Valentine’s Day sex toy reviews. There was giggling. There was whispering. There were orgasms. For Year 2, we turned the focus on some more male-oriented products—but don’t worry, ladies, there’s plenty here for you to play with.
Source: Handout
Fun Factory B Balls
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: In an opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: “A butt plug that reacts to your motions! With every movement, the small weights inside of the B Balls create reactive sensations depending on the body’s activity, allowing intensity ranging from gentle to powerful.”
What you thought: I’m used to the fuller feeling of a traditional buttplug, so the B Balls left me feeling a bit … lacking. I was looking forward to a new anal experience, but the so-called “intensity” from the balls barely registered on the Richter scale.
What your partner thought: “As a member of a very pro-butt relationship, I was excited to give this plug a whirl. In use, the vibrating sensation caused by the loosely moving balls was inconsistent, and a times a little distracting. Like a neighbor with their bass cranked up too high, it caused some strange rumblings in my personal space—and pounding on the walls only made the shaking more intense.”
Would you use this again?: I’d give it another chance, but I think this plug might require some serious thrusting to get the desired results.
Additional comments: “I don’t think this is a bad plug—it works exactly as advertised, and I’d wager would be a great fit for a lot of couples (or singles) interested in taking their anal explorations one step further. If anything, I’d say this plug helped me realize that I’m more of a butt plug purist than I thought.” —My partner
Source: Handout
Jimmyjane Form 5 vibrator
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: “Two micro-thin, supple wings provide all-encompassing sensation, while the firm pleasure dome in the center features a motor right at its tip to deliver serious vibration.”
What you thought: It took me a while to figure out how to use this to its best advantage, and it is far louder than I expected. But once I got the hang of it, oh BOY was it worth the wait. The flexible “wings” provide pinpoint-accurate stimulation, and the range of vibrations is really satisfying.
What your partner thought: I offered to let my partner use it—the box suggests that men wrap the U-shaped curve around their members and go to town. But he refused. SOME of us are just more committed to journalism, I guess.
Would you use this again?: Absolutely.
Additional comments: The design and packaging are gorgeous. This is how an Apple vibrator would look.
Source: Handout
Jimmyjane Hello Touch X Fingertip Vibrator
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Solo
The toy’s claims: “Massage, pinch and please unlike any other pleasure product, with your choice of sensation.”
What you thought: It looks a little bit like something out of a ’90s sci-fi movie, but any qualms I had quickly were settled when I found out how precisely you can control the Hello Touch—and how strong the vibrations get. (I was too much of a wimp to use the electrostimulation option on a body part that matters, but the test I did on my hand was … interesting.)
Would you use this again?: OH YES.
Additional comments: The fingertip pads are kind of awkward to clean, and it takes a while to set everything up, so this will be a special-occasion toy rather than a spur-of-the-moment splurge.
Source: Handout
Tenga 3D Polygon
Gender: Male
How you used the toy: Solo, uh, obviously.
The toy’s claims: The Tenga 3D Polygon’s official descriptions boasts that “the slippery glide of the polygonal faces and unexpectedly strong edges for a transcendental experience you have never felt before.” The description also brags about the ease of reversing the product for quick and mess-free cleanup. More on that later. Also, YouTube user “Intellectual Homosexual” calls it “Just what the dick doctor ordered,” so I was very excited to try it out.
What you thought: Look. Unless you’ve dorked Princess Zelda from Nintendo 64’s “Ocarina of Time,” it’s safe to say no natural vaginal intercourse will feel like the Tenga’s polygonal texture. This isn’t a bad thing, though. The smooth, slippery surface paired with the angular edges is actually quite an interesting sensation. I found the included lube to be a little stringy, and a little difficult to pour inside the relatively small opening, so fair warning: If you have a brown suede couch like mine, have fun explaining the stain if you’re trying this thing out in secret.
What your partner thought: She was sleeping in the other room. (At least I hope she was.)
Would you use this again?: Absolutely, even considering the mishap detailed below. The 3D Polygon is for special occasions, or at least I think of it that way. It’s for those “wife ain’t coming home early tonight” or “tough day at the office, righty isn’t going to cut it” moments.
Additional comments: While I thoroughly enjoyed the 3D Polygon and plan on using it again, I would like to take this space to tell my “when sex toy reviews go wrong” story. My mishap occurred immediately after closing the “private browsing” tabs on the computer.
Tenga says to remove the product, flip it inside out and dispose of the excess lube and “other liquids.” Standing halfway between my sink and commode, I attempted to carefully slide the rubber mass off my junk. Here’s the thing: The combination of the lubricant and, apparently, built-up air pockets inside the 3D Polygon impeded this process. Instead, it shot off my junk like a rocket that relies on lube and “other liquids” as propellant, in the direction of the toilet, where I bobbled it twice, cartoon-style, in an attempt to catch it. The aforementioned lube and “other liquids” sprayed onto my robe (which I wear during solo time) before the 3D Polygon touched down inside the toilet. Since the can hadn’t been used, I fished the toy out, cleaned it off and made sure I had not woken my wife from the noise.
This is the sort of thing that usually happens only to me, though, so you’ll probably be fine.
Source: Handout
Ora 2-Oral Sex Simulator
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: The large nub under the silicone surface is supposed to deliver “long seductive swirls and intense pulsations on the clitoris.”
What you thought: Yes. Yes. YES. It proved to be the perfect addition to a steamy evening of fun in the bedroom. Its sleek design and 10 stimulation modes brought about some intense pleasure during foreplay and intercourse. And whoever thought of the rotating nub … was a genius!
What your partner thought: “It was easy to hold and use during penetration, and I really liked how discreet it looked—and by that I mean it doesn’t look like a dildo.”
Would you use this again?: I would absolutely use this again … and again … and again.
Additional comments: I really loved the fact that you can charge it using a USB port and that it doesn’t run on batteries! Also, if you happen to leave it on the counter next to your computer, chances are a guest won’t have any clue what it is.
Source: Handout
Pico Bong Transformer
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Solo
The toy’s claims: “It offers millions of sex toys in one.”
What you thought: A part of me thought that it was going to turn into Optimus Prime as soon as I hit peak vibration, but I also was distracted at how awkward and long the Transformer was that I couldn’t concentrate on the task at hand. Maybe I just wasn’t as adventurous as I should have been with it, but it didn’t do much out of the ordinary for me.
What your partner thought: “We didn’t get a chance to use it together, but we did get a few laughs out of the different positions you could twist the two vibrating ends into. It’s kind of like an inappropriate Gumby doll. “
Would you use this again?: Maybe.
Additional comments: It was just so awkward to use solo. I was holding one vibrating end in my hand and the other on my lady parts, and all I could think about was the fact that my hand was getting that much action. The more I tried to twist it out of the way to be less awkward, the more uncomfortable it was. I think it’s a toy to use with your eyes closed.
Pico Bong Transformer
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: “It’s a rabbit vibe, a clitoral massager, a cock-ring, a G-spot stimulator, a prostate massager and more.”
What you thought: The Transformer could be all those things, but it seemed more like a vibrating yellow cable. I did appreciate how I could use one end on myself and then bend the device to use the other on my partner. The flexibility of the device is its strongest point, but the bright yellow color is not romantic.
What your partner thought: Might not use again because it’s kind of unwieldy. It should go in the “seemed like a good idea at the time” design file, and looks like it could double as a bike lock.
Would you use this again?: Yes, but only to see what odd shapes I could make out of it.
Source: Handout
A Darker Shade of Sexy—Blindfold, handcuffs, ben wa balls and BDSM booklet
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: “Seduce and be seduced with this fresh intro to a fetish boxed collection for two.”
What you thought: This set brought “Fifty Shades of Grey” to life. Your imagination runs wild when you can’t see what’s about to happen, and it’s intensely pleasurable when it finally does. I found the instruction booklet to BDSM and fetishes to be extremely helpful for newbies to the whole role-playing-and-restraint thing, like my partner and I.
What your partner thought: “What guy doesn’t want to tie his girlfriend up and have his way with her? It was really hot for the both of us.”
Would you use this again?: Yes. Absolutely.
Additional comments: The only thing I wasn’t crazy about were the ben wa balls. They wanted you to put them inside your lady parts, and I was not about to lose something up in my ho-ha. Also, the restraints and blindfold were made of leather, so that’s all you could smell, which was weird. I really would suggest this for any couple who is looking to expand their sexual horizons.
Source: Handout
We-Vibe 4 Plus
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: “Use We-Vibe 4 Plus together — during sex or when you’re apart. She gets extra stimulation to her clitoris and G-spot and together you both share the vibe.”
What you thought: The toy looks like a small purple stapler without the staples, and while it was cute, it didn’t do much for me. When used with lube, it was too slippery to stay in place and didn’t have any grooves or ridges to give the feeling that it was anything other than plastic. It comes with a remote which allows you to speed up or slow down vibrations. It was the first remote in the house I let my partner control, which he appreciated.
What your partner thought: Probably would try again. The remote is a nice option. It’s small and easy to use, but not exactly as intended.
Would you use this again?: No, I already have a stapler that doesn’t work.
Source: Handout
Lelo Pino
Gender: Male
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing.
The toy’s claims: The Lelo Pino is only for bankers. REPEAT, this vibrating cock ring with 10 variable vibration settings is STRICTLY for bankers. This is made clear by 1). The box set including a pair of Lelo branded cuff links and a money clip emblazoned with “ALWAYS BE CLOSING,” packaged inside an actual men’s shirt cuff, and 2). The fact that the website asked a profession before ordering.
What you thought: Even at its highest setting, the vibration didn’t do much for me. Additionally, getting the cock ring on is a bit difficult over a condom and required some creative stretching. The prep work to get settled and strapped up properly kind of loses the momentum of the moment.
What your partner thought: If you’re the kind of girl who requires constant stimulation in order to achieve the ultimate desired outcome of a sex toy, then this isn’t for you. The “U” shaped rubber spot near the top of the ring (which I couldn’t help but think resembled a wooden Dutch clog), is a nice touch, but only really got me off using it solo.
Would you use this again?: The consensus from both parties is probably not. It’s kind of big, awkward and wasn’t exciting enough for either one of us to want to go another round.
Additional comments: OK, seriously, what’s with the money clip and cuff links? Full disclosure: I seriously thought of Scotch–taping the links to my wrists during intercourse while holding the money clip in my ass cheeks, but decided that’s probably not the intention.
So the only other reasonable scenario is that these things are to be worn non-ironically in public. Look, I’m not a banker. But I can’t imagine a financial professional bold enough to shake a client’s hand to close a multi-million dollar deal wearing a pair of cuff links with the name of a dildo company etched into them. But hey, like I said, I’m not a banker.
Source: Handout
Crave Vesper
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Solo and opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: “Vesper is both a gorgeous piece of jewelry and a strong slim vibrator. Designed for beautiful experiences in public and in private, the Vesper is a playful and sophisticated way to take your pleasure.”
What you thought: The shape is kind of scary. It looks like a stainless silver three-inch-long nail, not really a cool elegant necklace. I’m sure I would get either questions or strange looks if I wore it out in public. But it did have four speeds that went from pulsating to fast, and was easy to change up the speeds with the push of a teeny button. It gradually warmed up the longer it was in use. Plus it comes with a cable that charges the vibrator when plugged into a UBS port, perfect for travel.
What your partner thought: It didn’t do a whole lot for him physically, but he was turned on knowing I was using it and it felt good for me.
Would you use this again?: Yes, but I wouldn’t wear it out in public. It’s not exactly a statement necklace that I would choose. Still, it’s pretty powerful and doesn’t require batteries.
Crave Vesper
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Solo
What you thought: Initially my first thought was, “Why did I choose rose gold?” The product in this color is disappointedly two-toned (rose gold chain and top piece, silver shaft) turning it into something I would never wear as a necklace. However, its appearance quickly doesn’t matter once you use it. It’s incredibly quiet and easy to operate. The four speeds (low, medium, high and pulsing) make its simulation varied and toe-curling.
Would you use this again?: I never want to let it out of my sight.
Additional comments: Additional perk is that it doesn’t look anything like a vibrator, so I don’t have to worry if anyone accidentally stumbles upon it.
Source: Handout
Lelo Smart Wand Medium in plum
Gender: Female
How you used the toy: Opposite-sex pairing
The toy’s claims: Experience the very best in home massage with the Smart Wand all-over body massager. The medium-sized Smart Wand makes the perfect travel or gym bag accessory, featuring unparalleled power to melt away stress and tension.
What you thought: The Smart Wand’s massage power truly did nothing for me. While its silicone coating feels silky smooth, the range of vibrations (eight) and strength don’t pack the desired punch. In theory, the SenseTouch technology allows the sensors to respond to the pressure applied during use, but it escalates too quickly like a partner who finished too soon.
What your partner thought: “My girlfriend used the Smart Wand on my back, stomach, legs and to tease near my genitals, but to be honest, its hopes as an effective massager and foreplay catalyst fell flat. Her hands and tongue are much more effective, trust me.”
Would you use this again?: Probably not.
Additional comments: While the sleek design and smooth silicone coating were top notch, neither of us could look past the fact that its purple color and shape mirrored the penis of everyone’s favorite childhood dinosaur. Clearly, we’re really mature.
