Dear Anna,
I have two simple questions. When a man wants validation, what’s the male equivalent to go about doing it? And when women see a man seeks validation, what’s the equivalent of her to validate him? Thanks.
—Anon.
Dear Anon.,
I’m not sure what male or female has to do with validation specifically, but I think what you’re asking is how can we get validation from a partner without feeling like a needy asshole (to put it in clinical terms).
I suppose gender does have an impact on how or why we choose to find certain forms of validation, forms we feel are culturally sanctioned or that have worked for us in the past. Even though I should really know better, for instance, if a carefully crafted Facebook status goes unnoticed, I will get upset. (TWEET ME! LOVE ME!) In 2013, more than 30 billion pieces of content were shared on Facebook each month. Thirty billion! And that was two years ago. I’m sure it’s doubled by now.
We want to feel special because our parents lied to us and told us we were snowflakes all those years. (Technically speaking, they were right. We are unique, all of us, but there’s a slight insidiousness lurking underneath the “special” tag because it can make us feel entitled to things and people and promotions, and super cranky when we don’t get those things.)
But underneath those surfacey kinds of validation (“Tell me I look hot in this.” “Tell me you agree that my boss is the Antichrist.” “Tell me you respect me/care about me/want me,” and so on) is a desire to be heard, to be empathized with, and to be accepted for who we are.
We want our partners (and friends and family and everyone meaningful to us) to say, yes, I see you. What makes people feel invalidated is when we open up to someone and instead of empathy, we feel rejected, judged or ignored. In that respect, the best way to validate someone is to listen to them and be present. Acknowledge their experience. You might not always specifically be able to relate to what someone has gone through, but most of us can understand the feeling that underlies it. For instance, if someone is like, “I love clown porn, and I feel like I’ll never find a bozo who shares my core values.” You might not be able to reciprocate the clown part, but you probably understand that dating is hard and finding a compatible partner is even harder, fetish or no.
If they don’t come out with a specific emotion, you can always try to guess and mirror their words back to them to figure out what kind of validation they’re seeking. Such as, “So what I’m hearing is dating is frustrating for you and you feel misunderstood. Is that right?”
Obviously this kind of talk is for weightier problems. Most validation is easy to spot. If someone is like, “How do I look?” They want to be told they’re attractive. If someone says, “Am I a terrible person who will never find love?” The answer is, “Of course you’ll find love! As soon as you throw out those Crocs.”
Anna Pulley is a RedEye special contributor.
