“Ask Anna” is a sex column. Because of the nature of the topic, some columns contain language some readers may find graphic.
Dear Anna,
I’ve recently started dating and sleeping with a very beautiful woman, but she’s getting very upset with me that I can’t ejaculate, and she is taking it personal. I have no problem getting hard or getting an erection from her. But whatever I do I can’t come during partner sex. Can you give me some tips? Anything I could buy to help? I can stay hard and have sex with her for hours, just — No Climax
Dear NC,
“When a man has trouble ejaculating with a partner, most often it’s because he just happens to have been born with what’s called a ‘high orgasm threshold,'” says New York sex therapist Dr. Stephen Snyder, author of “Love Worth Making: How to Have Ridiculously Great Sex in a Long-Lasting Relationship,” whom I asked to help with your question. “Simply put, it just takes a whole lot of stimulation for him to get off. That’s just how he’s wired. Pretty much the same as a woman who can’t get off without a vibrator.”
You don’t say in your letter, but if your gal is like the 75% of women who don’t reliably orgasm from penis-in-vagina sex alone, she probably isn’t coming either. And presumably you’re not giving her grief about this.
Snyder continues, “Unfortunately there’s a bit of a double standard when it comes to orgasms. Most people would never think of making a woman self-conscious over the fact that she struggles to climax. But a man who can’t ejaculate often gets a lot of grief about it.”
I tend to agree, and the fastest way to ensure that no one has amazing sex is to shame or guilt people about their bodies and what they do or don’t do “well.” Snyder recommends having a talk with her and asking her to cut you a little slack. After all, bodies are weird, and they seldom behave in ways we want them to all the time. Just ask my hair on a humid day.
As to what else you can do, aside from managing your stress and anxiety so that you’re as relaxed and not-in-your-head as much as possible, well, think outside her box. Maybe that means both of you bang for a while and then masturbate to orgasm separately next to each other. Maybe it means you take PIV sex off the table for a week and experiment with other forms of sexual pleasure — not with orgasm as the goal, but purely pleasure. Maybe it means you try a vibrator yourself!
Whatever you decide to try, do take the pressure off yourself (and tell your gal to do the same).
