Is it right for my friends to expect we split a check evenly when I ordered just an appetizer and they all ordered multiple courses?
I suspect some version of this injustice has been taking place for as long as there have been restaurants. The magnitude of the offense varies, of course, and it worsens when expensive cocktails and multiple courses are thrown into the mix.
Ideally, when the same circle dines out on even a semiregular basis, the inequity should vanish — i.e., your meal costs marginally less than mine tonight; my meal will cost marginally more than yours next time.
In practice, however, there will always be those among our friends who order from the menu blithely while those who are watching their waistlines or their budgets order more conservatively. And there is nothing wrong with that. The etiquette lapse enters when the check arrives and the person who ordered five courses royally inquires: “So should we split this evenly?” The answer is no. You and the others in your party should gently scuttle that arrangement. To wit: “Marvin and Alice only ordered appetizers, so we should all kick in more.”
With respect to your question, if this is an ongoing issue, it may be time (shudder) to arrange for the dreaded separate check. Alternatively, seek dining companions whose ordering patterns more closely align with your own.
My beloved dachshund just passed away. We were together for 17 years and had amazing memories together. The outpouring of sympathy from my friends was a great comfort, but there was a question that kept popping up that frankly really bothered me: “Will you get another dog?” I know they were thinking of my own well-being in asking that question, but frankly, it felt incredibly insensitive, given that I had just buried him days earlier.
Even with the best intentions, family and friends sometimes offer condolences that aggravate rather than mitigate our grief. When the words of comfort come after the loss of a pet, the awkwardness can be even greater, particularly when uttered by someone who has never gone through the loss of a four-legged sidekick.
Although this may seem an extreme example by comparison, can you imagine a well-wisher attending a memorial service and asking a grieving widower: “So do you think you’ll remarry?” The inappropriateness of the question in that particular moment should be apparent to all but the most clueless among us. And yet, in the case of a pet, the query immediately following “I’m so sorry for your loss” is very often the one you have been hearing.
Difficult as it may be while your feelings of loss are so raw, do your best to accept this question in the spirit it was intended. And feel free to answer in a manner that is appreciative but honest. Likely some version of: “No one can ever replace Klinger” or “It’s just too soon for me to be thinking about any dog but Darla right now.”
For the well-meaning friends and family, allow the bereaved time to mourn their loss. As an alternative, consider asking instead, “Can I do anything for you?” or “Is there an animal shelter or charity where I can make a donation in Champ’s name?”
When and if the time is right, you will welcome a new dog into your home. For now, grieve the loss and cherish the many wonderful memories you made together.
Mister Manners, Thomas P. Farley, is a nationally regarded expert who appears regularly in the media to discuss modern-day etiquette dilemmas. To be featured here, send your questions to info@whatmannersmost.com and follow Thomas on Facebook, Twitter, Clubhouse and Instagram. For more insights, subscribe to his podcast, “What Manners Most.”
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