Q. My husband, who is a Japanese man with lustrous long hair, recently decided to have it box-braided at a salon by us in New York. Although the process took several hours, he was ecstatic with the new look, something totally fresh for him, and he immediately started getting compliments. That joy quickly turned to guilt when two of his co-workers insisted his hairstyle was cultural appropriation and therefore offensive.
When he replied that he meant no disrespect, they insisted his comments only displayed his ignorance. That night, we began the arduous process of unbraiding his hair. He felt defeated and sad. Did we do the right thing?
A. By embracing a new style for himself, your husband meant no deliberate offense. That much is clear. And given how much he was enjoying his new look, his attentiveness to the concerns of a small handful of work colleagues is admirable.
The larger question — should he have felt impelled to remove them? — is a bit less cut and dry.
Box braiding is a hair tradition that is millennia old, and one of deep cultural significance within the Black community. When someone like Kim Kardashian wears them, as she has in the past, the criticisms bubble up quickly.
In an ideal world, a non-Black person could still wear box braids — providing it was done in a manner that acknowledges, celebrates and respects the civilizations from which the braids emanated.
Although the episode with your husband ended with him feeling under fire, perhaps moments like these goad us to deeper conversations about our inspiring and varied ancestries.
In the long run, I do hope the richness of who we are as a global people permits us to graciously share, celebrate and elevate our respective traditions. As divergent as they are, these customs are the true ties that bind, proving us far less different from one another than we might sometimes think.
Q. A best friend passed in March of this year from starvation from depression. I miss him terribly still.
One of his friends has invited me to a life celebration in our late friend’s honor. Just the thought of attending brought up all the emotions again for me. Plus, it’s being held in the building where he lived. I told the friend I just don’t feel I can come; I would lose it. He seems upset by my reply.
The person who is executor of our friend’s trust has possession of his ashes and plans to spread them at a ceremony happening at a later date. I do want to attend that event when it takes place. What are your thoughts on my situation?
A. First of all, my deepest condolences for your loss. The death of a loved one is never easy, and the circumstances under which your friend passed are particularly tragic.
The civilization-spanning tradition of attending a service for a deceased member of our circle exists for two primary reasons. First, it provides the opportunity for grieving friends and family to gather and support one another. Second, it is a chance to remember and honor the dead, wishing the departed individual a speedy passage to a happier place, whether that is an afterlife, a communion with the universe or simply an eternal rest.
With that being said, I greatly empathize with your dilemma, and you should harbor no shame for declining this invitation. You and you alone know your ability to handle the emotions this service will surely engender. If you have read this planner’s reaction correctly — though I do wonder, could it be mere disappointment rather than upset? — he is judging you unfairly. All of which compounds the sadness you already feel over your friend’s death. None of which is helpful.
Make your peace with your late friend in a time and place when you feel you are ready.
Mister Manners, Thomas P. Farley, is a nationally regarded expert who appears regularly in the media to discuss modern-day etiquette dilemmas. To be featured here, send your questions to info@whatmannersmost.com and follow Thomas on Facebook, Twitter, Clubhouse and Instagram. For more insights, subscribe to his podcast, “What Manners Most.”
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