When Melanie Cox’s husband leaves for work every day, she never fails to think: Will this be the last time I see him?
The thought can be consuming, Cox said. “You learn coping skills, like not thinking about things like that and shutting things out,” she said.
Only the families of police officers can empathize.
It’s for that reason that Cox founded the Elgin Police Department Partner and Spouse Group, a outlet where police officers’ families can share an experience many others don’t understand. “I started the group out of the sheer need for support,” she said. “It’s a unique life.”
Being married to a police officer is challenging for a partner or spouse, as well as for their children, she said.
Cox’s husband, Sgt. David Cox, is a 16-year veteran assigned to the SWAT team. She learned quickly that officers often miss out on holidays, birthday parties and family gatherings, and extended family members don’t always understand their absence, she said.
“I was naive. I thought this is just another job with interesting hours,” Cox said. “No one told me how lonely it would be or how difficult it would be at family functions.”
While police officers can be private about their family life, and spouses or partners often hold that privacy close, Elgin police Chief Ana Lalley invited Cox to speak about her group at the department’s annual May memorial ceremony for fallen officers.
“We’re kind of an invisible group,” Cox said. “We’re kind of in this middle ground of not being in an official position, but our lives are ruled by this position.”
There are lots of challenges families face, she said.
“The public generally knows police see some bad stuff,” she said, but it’s the partners and spouses who hear the stories. “We know the behind-the-scenes of horrible things that happened in a city,” she said.
When police officers come home after a difficult shift, it’s different than just having a bad day at work. A bad shift can mean responding to a situation where someone has died or a child has been hurt, she said. Or an investigation that’s taken months suddenly stalls, she said.
Partners or spouses learn how to navigate those days, Cox said. “No one gives you a manual. Being able to figure out what works for you as a couple and having support within the group is important,” she said.
There are other things families of police officers must consider, like how the notification will be made if something does happen, Cox said. It’s a moment that will stay in their memory forever and needs to be discussed beforehand, she said.
“We have to have tough conversations,” Cox said. Plans need to be in place, she said. “It’s always difficult to have those conversations if your (partner) or spouse is on the job.”
Those are the kinds of things discussed by her support group, which started in 2020 at the height of protests stemming from the police-involved death of George Floyd in Minneapolis.
Cox’s husband was called out to assist the Aurora Police Department when a rally turned violent in that city, she said.
“It was a pretty scary time for us,” Cox said. “There were people who came to enact change and move things forward in a positive manner. There’s a big difference between people there to have their voices heard and be effective and those who are using it for their own agenda just to cause trouble.”
Some protestors threatened officers and their families, Cox said.
“We were blessed within the city of Elgin,” she said. “The protests were peaceful. We were grateful for that.”
Cox decided to mobilize by reaching out to other spouses to prepare meals and provide supplies, like water and snacks, to Elgin officers who worked long hours during the protests.
Many officers’ families reached out to Cox during that time. The group grew from there, she said. “I realized we need support and a more formal group where there’s a place we can gather together,” she said.
The Partners and Spouses Group has several different components, including providing education/mental health help to its members. While the mental health of police officers has become a topic in law enforcement, families need that too, she said.
“I think it’s something that’s been missing in the conversation, especially in the last few years,” Cox said.
Gloria Casas is a freelance reporter for The Courier-News.
