Dear Eric: I’m a woman in my early 60s. I was recently given notice that my job will end in a couple months due to the current federal financial situation (it was grant funded). I loved this work but because my husband can’t move or work remotely, I’m limited to jobs close to home or remote.
I’ve been applying but haven’t received any offers. I’m wondering whether I should just retire. I could take care of my health, pursue hobbies and be there for my parents and potential grandkids.
But I worry that I’ll get bored, and then when even older have even more trouble finding work. I’m sure I’m not the only one in this position. Any words of wisdom or solace?
– I’m Still Worthy
Dear Worthy: I’m really glad you chose this sign-off for your letter because it’s true. You are worthy. And though the job market is difficult, and you may encounter ageism as you pursue a new position, your worth is not defined by what you do.
First, the truth: you may get bored. But you’ve been bored before. One of the challenges that retirees often talk about is having to re-learn who they are and how they relate to the world. This can be counter-intuitive: you’re not different the day after you retire, but there can sometimes be a challenge to programming your time meaningfully.
Give yourself grace and take it day-by-day without committing yourself to a version of your new life too quickly. You may find, for instance, that your calendar fills up and you don’t have time to be bored. Or you may find that activities and hobbies don’t scratch the itch and you want to get a part-time job in a new field or volunteer your time. It’s all possible.
Possibility is daunting, but possibility is also such a treasure. Think of this transition – whether to another job or to a retirement chapter – as akin to going off to college. You have the skills, but you will be learning a new terrain, so it may not always seem easy or comfortable. Talk to friends and loved ones who are already retired or have changed careers later in life; they’ll have tips and suggestions as you feel your way through.
Dear Eric: We recently lost a 14-year friendship, and we have no idea why. My husband and I became friends with this guy through church. Over the years, we saw him as a younger brother. We helped out whenever asked. Buying a car, moving, etc. He had helped us with similar stuff as well.
He told us that he and his wife are moving at the end of January. We reached out to them to see if they needed help.
We called and texted and were sent to voicemail or no response to our texts. Getting worried, we reached out to a mutual friend to find out if everything was OK.
The mutual friend said he would call and find out and then let us know. As we waited on pins and needles, we did not receive a call back. (We tried reaching out to the mutual friend, and we feel like he has blocked us too.)
Later that evening as we were waiting for a response from the mutual friend, I received a text message from our friend stating our friendship is over. We were removed from various social connections and our numbers were blocked. My husband was so distraught, he wanted to confront them at their current home. (We don’t know where they are moving to.) I told him not to, as it could cause more issues.
We don’t make friends easily and to lose one over who knows what, is heartbreaking. Is there anything we can do to find out? Or should we just leave it and try to move on?
– Lost and Confused in Seattle
Dear Lost and Confused: This behavior is so perplexing, especially after a 14-year friendship. Even if there’s much that hasn’t been included in this letter – and I’m not saying there is – this situation doesn’t seem like it’s your doing.
What’s clear is that there’s another narrative going on for your friend, and perhaps the mutual friend. Why they would choose to cut you off instead of being upfront about what the problem is, I don’t know. It indicates that they feel the problem is something they can’t address or that you won’t change.
I agree that showing up at your friend’s house and forcing a conversation would escalate things, but it seems unlikely that you’ll get to the bottom of this without a direct conversation.
Try approaching the mutual friend in person, talk about what you’ve noticed in their behavior, and ask them to help you understand what you’re missing.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
