Dear Eric: My brothers and I have a problem with our mother who is in her mid-70s. Whenever she calls us or we call her it starts out well then out of the blue she starts fibbing about people that are supposedly out to get her.
She accuses them of trying to take her job away or saying that they stole from her only to find the missing item(s) hours later. This has been going on for years. We usually just let her talk about it while not really listening to her ranting in her fibs, or we cut her off and say we have to go. At first, we were like “yeah, yeah, ok whatever mom.” But now as we all are older it’s just downright annoying.
My mother doesn’t have any close friends but knows people from her church so we just associate this fibbing to loneliness. My question is do we just let her continue ranting on her fibs or do we start calling her out on it which may cause a conflict? And if a conflict begins, how do we handle it?
– Truth-Telling Brothers
Dear Brothers: This strikes me as more than just a propensity for fibs. It seems like it’s getting in the way of her life and perhaps affecting her ability to connect with reality. This might require medical or psychological intervention. So, you and your brothers should consider shifting your approach to your mom. You should definitely have a conversation about the lying, but perhaps that conversation starts from a place of concern and with an offer to get her help. This might also create conflict, but from your telling she’s living a life filled with conflict, at least internally. Offering help may offend her, but saying nothing is likely to further endanger her.
This also might necessitate more than phone calls. You’ll probably need to visit in person to check on her living conditions, and, ideally, to accompany her to a check-up. Even if there’s nothing wrong with her mental acuity, it seems she’d be much happier if she was working with a therapist to process these perceived grievances. The long and short of it: there’s help available to her, so I encourage you not to shrug it off. Consider it a cry for help.
Dear Eric: About 15 years ago my wife and I were visiting my in-laws in San Diego, and I needed to borrow a coat. My mother-in-law gave me one from my wife’s younger brother’s closet. (He was in his 20s at the time and had moved out.) The coat fit well, and I ended up bringing it back home to Philly with me.
Here’s my problem: I never gave the coat back. It’s become my favorite coat, I wear it all winter, and I often get compliments on it. (I don’t get compliments on any of my other clothing.) One time I wore the coat in front of my brother-in-law when he was visiting from Minnesota, and he said, “Is that my coat?” I acknowledged it was. But I didn’t give it back. And since then, I’ve avoided wearing it in front of him.
I feel guilty for how I got the coat, and that I’ve never asked straightforwardly if I can keep it. But I’m also embarrassed to bring it up (at this very late point) and slightly fear that he’ll want the coat back if I mention it.
Should I address it with him? If so, how?
– Warmly Ashamed
Dear Warmly: Wow, this must be some coat! (No surprise there; Minnesotans know their outwear.) Am I miffed that you didn’t include a link to purchase it in your letter? A little. But I’ll survive. And it seems that your brother-in-law has also survived just fine without his coat, so perhaps let that thought assuage some guilt.
Because he left it at his parents’ house when he moved out and because he didn’t ask any follow-up questions after seeing you in it, I’m inclined to think he doesn’t have use for the coat anymore and probably isn’t thinking about it as much as you are. But since you are thinking about it and you wrote in about what to do to clear your conscience, I do have a suggestion for clearing the air once and for all.
Buy him another coat.
If the company still makes the coat in question, buy it for him again, with a gift receipt, and offer it to him the next time you see him with an explanation of the turmoil you’ve experienced. If the particular coat isn’t available anymore, consider a gift card. If he has been thinking about the garment, this smooths it over. If he hasn’t, it all makes for a funny story and a kind gesture.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
