Dear Eric: I recently discovered that my younger brother (age 72) has been taking advantage of my elderly uncle (age 92), who has dementia. My cousin, who thankfully has power of attorney, uncovered checks made out to the brother. The brother initially denied the checks, but when confronted with the evidence, he rationalized them by claiming the money was owed to him (which is untrue).
Interestingly, he behaved similarly with my aging parents 40 years ago. At this point, I have severed ties with him, but a part of me would like to hear his explanation. I do not think talking with him would yield any satisfactory conclusion. Your thoughts?
– Bewildered Brother
Dear Brother: I agree with you that you probably won’t get what you want from his explanation. Indeed, he’s already offered an explanation – that the money was owed – and that wasn’t satisfactory. He has either convinced himself of a story that isn’t true or he’s committed to lying. Either way, he hasn’t shown evidence that he’s in a position to help you close the book on this.
It sounds like what you want is for him to give you a reason for his behavior. But even that might not suffice. If he has a pattern of this kind of financial elder abuse, it’s doubtful that any reason for his alleged crimes would be good enough. Because, frankly, there’s no good reason. Even if he’s suffering from a psychological problem, and acting out because of it, knowing this may still not give you the peace you seek.
At a deeper level, you may be wanting something to prove to you that your brother isn’t who he appears to be. He may be many things, some of them quite good. But this is clearly a line in the sand for you. But until he takes responsibility, apologizes and makes amends, severing contact may be the best option. You could consider writing to him to express your dismay and asking for an apology and your cousin can pursue legal avenues for restitution. But giving him more space to spin a yarn doesn’t serve you.
Dear Eric: I am writing about your response to “Befuddled and Injured” who wrote in regarding his response to a salesperson who asked him about what he did to his broken arm. I have had too many shoulder surgeries to count and have had my arm in a sling too many days.
My shoulder surgeon gave me a wonderful response to people, many of them strangers, who asked me what I did with my arm. The physician advised responding by saying, “why do you ask?” Their response tells you if they care about you or are simply being nosey. Then you can choose how to respond. It shuts the nosey people up.
– Asked and Answered
Dear Asked: I found this very interesting. At first, I thought it might be a little brusque, but ultimately, it’s just an innocent question. Often people are asking out of curiosity rather than concern, which is fine but doesn’t require a response.
Dear Eric: In a recent letter from “Angry DIL”, the letter writer was complaining about the cost of keeping her 90-year-old mother-in-law in a senior facility. She wrote ” During this time, I found that the normally excellent Medicare she has yearly been advised to sign up for has changed. Some slick salesperson sold her another plan, and she was cut off from rehab care.”
This illustrates a common confusion between Medicare and Medicare Advantage plans. Medicare is a government program, and covers what it covers, for all participants, at any doctor or hospital or provider anywhere in the U.S. that accepts Medicare. There is only one Medicare.
Medicare Advantage is a program that takes the money that would have been spent on you by Medicare and gives it to a private insurance company that essentially gives you private insurance coverage, often HMO or PPO. These plans have different benefits and rates, and, like non-Medicare insurance plans, can require prior authorization or just flat-out deny you coverage. Medicare cannot.
The bottom line is that people need to be clear when they are on Medicare, a government run single-payer system, and when they have signed up for a Medicare Advantage plan, which is run by insurance companies.
– Plan Clarity
Dear Plan: This is a helpful distinction. One additional thought on this letter: the letter writer may want to speak to an elder law attorney or advocate about options available to her mother-in-law. As the original letter noted, the daughter-in-law and son are paying quite a lot of money for the mother’s care because the mother doesn’t have the funds. But there are other options available for getting her the care she needs with consideration for her financial position.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
