The year is 2030, and Pete Rose, after playing a double-header for the Cincinnati Reds, passes away following a press conference to commemorate his 10,000th major league hit. Official cause of death: breathing complications resulting from taking in a mouthful of dirt while sliding into third base, head first. Rose, 89, arrives at the Big Ballpark in the Sky, where he is intercepted at the gates.
”Well, Pete Rose, are you finished? Have you finally had enough? Are you happy with what you`ve done?”
”Ty Cobb, what in the name of heaven are you doing up here?”
”Never mind. I wasn`t that bad a guy. Don`t believe everything you read in the papers.”
”Fair enough. Well, how ya doing anyway, Ty?”
”Don`t talk to me that way, son. You might talk that way to the president of the United States when he phones you in the locker room, but to you I am Mr. Cobb. The greatest hitter of all time. Even if you did break my record.”
”You heard about it? That`s super. Like they say, Mr. Cobb, records are made to be broken. And I`ll never forget it. Sept. 10, 1985, in Cincinnati, against the Padres.”
”Padres? I know they did a lot of expanding and diluting down there, but the padres got a team together too?”
”San Diego Padres, Mr. Cobb. I thought it would be in Chicago the weekend before, but it didn`t work out, which was just as well. I did it at home in Cincinnati. That`s what my owner wanted all along, so she was happy.” ”She? You had a she for an owner? Now I know the game`s gone down the drain.”
”Things change, Mr. Cobb. I know you think baseball was better in your day. But don`t forget, you didn`t have to eat airline food and you didn`t have to play night games. Only place I got to play in God`s sunshine was beautiful Wrigley Field.”
”I thought they were supposed to put lights in there too, Pete.”
”That was for the World Series in 1985, but that didn`t work out either. The Cubs finished fifth, Mr. Cobb.”
”Fifth? No wonder Dallas Green is stomping around here in a lousy mood.”
”Mr. Cobb, you mean Dallas Green is in heaven too? What`s going on up here?”
”We`re also expanding. See that building over there? That`s the Peter Ueberroth Wing. He`s a real saint, that guy. When he took over the White House, that`s when America and the Russians signed their peace treaty, right? I congratulated him, but he said, `If you ask me what role I played in that, I played no role at all.` By the way, Pete, who`s that guy with you?”
”Oh, that`s my agent, Mr. Cobb.”
”Your what?”
”My agent. He`s the one who handles my deferrals, my tax-exempt municipal bonds, my IRAs, and all that stuff. We`ve all got one of these guys now, Mr. Cobb.”
”What on earth has happened to baseball?”
”Mr. Cobb, lots of changes, like I said. It started with Marvin Miller, and then guys like George Steinbrenner kept it going. Do you know who they are?”
”We haven`t expanded that much, Pete. Anyway, I must admit I`ve heard good things about you. I heard you played the game like I played it, hard and tough, every day, spikes high and all that. That`s one thing I don`t understand. You played that well, that long. How did you cope with the pressure?”
”I`d go home every night from the ballpark, relax and tune in another ballgame on my dish.”
”Your what? Your dish? Now you`re way ahead of me, Pete. Which brings up another point. When you got your 4,192d hit, breaking my record, you had more than 2,000 more at-bats than I did. Did the reporters ever bring that up?”
”Not really. And I hope they don`t bring it up now that I`m here, Mr. Cobb, because, like I say, times change.”
”There are no reporters up here, Pete. That`s why we call it heaven.”
”Anyway, Mr. Cobb, we played in different eras. You did things I didn`t do, I did things you didn`t do. The year I broke your record, I also managed. That wasn`t easy, and we had a good year. First season I went to Philadelphia, I hit in 44 straight games. I was an old man then, but I had to prove myself.”
”Philadelphia? What were you doing in Philadelphia? I thought you came up with Cincinnati and finished with Cincinnati.”
”Well, Mr. Cobb, when I became a free agent without compensation and not having a chance to go to arbitration–where it`s either A or B, but not C–the Reds couldn`t afford to have me. So they let me go to the Phillies, where I helped Dallas Green win a World Series. That was the year before the strike. Then I went to the Expos, because the Phillies couldn`t afford me. Then I went back to Cincinnati, traded for Tom Lawless, because the Reds decided they couldn`t afford not to have me. That was 1984, also the year before the strike. That`s when I bought the dish.”
”Pete, now you`ve really lost me. I played for Detroit from 1905 to 1926, and I thought that was tough enough. Maybe you`ve got a point. Maybe I played in a simpler, more leisurely time. Half of that stuff, I got no idea what you`re talking about. Can I help you with your luggage?”
”Be careful now. I`ve got some Pete Rose dolls in that bag, and some Pete Rose autographed bedspreads in that bag, and some Pete Rose official coins in that bag, next to the monogrammed Pete Rose Jockey shorts. Don`t worry about that bag, Mr. Cobb. Only boxes of Wheaties in there. Say, is there a batting cage around here?”
”Yeah, but I don`t think you`ll want to get up there today, Pete. Dwight Gooden is throwing. Say, would you like to share a room up here?”
”Sorry, Mr. Cobb, my contract calls for a single on the road. My agent here has all the documents. And never mind that Gooden. I batted .298 against him in 1,042 at-bats with 247 extra-base hits. Where is he?”
”You really are amazing, Pete. In fact, I think I`m going to like you. You broke my record, but what the heck, it`s not for us to judge who was the better hitter. Times change. In fact, I might even start calling you Mr. Rose. There`s only one problem with those 10,000 hits of yours. You had a big advantage over me. You got to play all those games against the Cubs. I`m gonna remind the reporters about that, too, dadgum it.”
”There are no reporters up here, Ty. That`s why we call it heaven. Remember?”
”You`re right. Now, if we can just find Dallas Green and cheer him up. You say he won a World Series in 1985?”
”Not quite, Ty. You weren`t listening.”
