Dear Judy: I am eight years old and have a problem. My mom and dad aren`t split up but they are always fighting and it`s a scary feeling to think that someday they are going to get divorced. Sometimes I just want to yell out,
”Stop fighting!” But I can`t. Please help.
–Sarah, age 8
Divorce is so common in today`s world that kids are frightened when their parents fight or even disagree. This is it, they think, the end of our family.
When my children were young we lived in a suburban New Jersey neighborhood, and as family after family split up my kids became fearful that this could happen to us, too. I tried to reassure them, but I wasn`t really sure myself. I wrote ”It`s Not the End of the World” at that time, to try to answer some of my children`s questions about divorce, to let other kids know they were not alone and, perhaps, because I was not happy in my marriage. I kept those feelings deep inside. For years I would not, could not, admit that we had any problems. The perfect daughter had become the perfect wife and mother.
Working on this chapter has been very difficult for me because if I am to be honest, then I have to write about the worst years of my life and the mistakes I made.
John and I had been married for 16 years (our children were 14 and 12)
when we split up. The next years were more stressful, more painful, more threatening than anything I have ever experienced. That we survived reasonably intact says a lot for the strength of family love, for the ability of children to cope and for how basically decent people can hurt each other terribly, come close to the breaking point, then pull themselves back together again.
Dear Judy: After one month of constant fighting between my parents (and them not sleeping in the same bed and not eating dinner together) my mom finally said, ”I want a divorce.”
I`ve learned to get along without my father at home. I get to see him quite often, but I still miss him very much. Your book, ”It`s Not the End of the World” helped me finally to accept the fact that I could not do anything about my parents` divorce. Well, it`s all quiet now except my little sister still cries, ”I miss Daddy . . . ” all night long.
–Paula, age 12
Dear Judy: My parents just got a divorce and I don`t know how to cope with it. I have lots of things on my mind that are bothering me. I don`t have anyone to tell them to. If I tell my friends they will tell everyone what I said. I can`t tell my mom because she will criticize me and my dad doesn`t understand.
–Julie, age 11
Before John and I told our kids that we were splitting up, I had a session with a family counselor. She said, ”The children will ask you why . . . and you better have some answers.” It is much harder for children to understand why their parents are splitting up when there hasn`t been any fighting, when either one or both parents have been keeping their feelings of unhappiness, resentment, disappointment and anger inside. It`s hard to explain to your kids why this has become an intolerable situation for you. I don`t think I was able to do a very good job of it then.
Dear Judy: I know you get thousands of letters but it would really make me feel good if you would read this one. I`m writing to you about one of my problems. My mom and dad are getting a divorce.
I`m really sad about it, but I wouldn`t be so sad if my mom wanted the divorce. See, my dad left us. He left us with not much money. My mom thinks that she is going to have a nervous breakdown and die. She keeps on saying this and it`s really making me sick. When this first happened my mom had to go to a hospital for people who are in shock.
It would really help if you would become a friend of mine and write back to me.
–Nora, age 11
At the very time my children needed me most, I was least able to give to them. Even though I wanted the divorce it was a time of shock, hurt, anger, sadness and depression.
Just getting through the day was a real struggle for me. I woke up crying every morning and I went to bed crying every night. I wasn`t sure I could cope. I had very little left over for my kids. And they were having their own problems. Larry was acting out his feelings. Randy reversed roles with me becoming the grown-up at 14, to the child I had become at 37.
What can you do if you find yourself in this position? Be aware. Acknowledge your feelings. Try to remember how frightening a time this for your kids. Above all, don`t try to get through it alone. Get help for yourself and your kids and stick with it.
Dear Judy: I was 8 years old when my parents were divorced and things have been unfair to me. I didn`t know of any real arguments or fights between my parents when I was that age. They did have a little spat every now and then, but no real serious fights, at least not around me. Then all of a sudden, I came home from school one day and my mother`s clothes were not in the closet. It looked as if she had just moved out. Little did I know, but she had. I was terribly frightened and the whole story brings tears to my eyes just to think about it. I finally found out later, that my mother was at her best friend`s house and we went to stay with her until the divorce.
I have felt two-faced for four years. When I came home from being with my father I had to adjust myself to a whole new way of life. Living with my mother is so much different from spending a weekend with my father. Things are so much more pleasant with my father than with my mother.
For most of my life I have been very creative. Before the divorce I could look at a picture and sit down and write a story about it. Now when I go to put what I have in my mind on paper it all goes away. Why?
I am in desperate need of help, not only because of the divorce. Do you understand? Please write me back. And remember, I am writing you this letter in need of a friend, not a famous writer.
–Candace, age 11
When John and I first split up the kids would visit him on weekends. He took them to expensive restaurants and to see plays and movies. He entertained them lavishly, not to compete with me, but because he didn`t know what else to do. He wanted to show them that he cared, that he loved them, and extravagant weekends were the only way he knew how to do that.
After a while it got to be such a strain on him that he came full circle. He would not entertain them at all. No more plays. No more fancy restaurants. At first Randy and Larry were disappointed. It took years to get it worked out so that they were comfortable together, so that they did not expect to be entertained nonstop when they were with him, and for him to see that it was okay to take them out sometimes, just because he felt like it.
Most kids long for a natural relationship with both parents. There is no doubt that the parent with whom the kids share their daily lives had different relationship with them than the parent they see only once a week or once a month or whenever. It`s up to you, if you`re not the everyday parent, to keep your relationship with your kids alive and intimate. Pick up the phone and talk with them often. If you`re far away, write to them. And don`t let your feelings about the divorce get in the way of your feelings for your kids.
Kids: Remember, during and after a divorce, your parents are suffering, too. That doesn`t make it any easier, I know, but it`s a fact. It`s very hard in the beginning, especially if your parents are fighting and you feel caught in the middle, to keep your relationship with both parents going strong. It`s okay for you to tell them you`re not taking sides, that you`re staying out of the fighting and that you don`t want to hear anything bad from either parent about the other. Randy learned to say to me, ”I don`t want to hear about it. That`s your problem. You work it out yourself.” And she was right. It was my problem, not hers. She wasn`t divorcing either one of her parents.
There may be times when you will have to remind your parents that this is their divorce, not yours. And that you still love both of them.
Letters to Judy Blume can be addressed to her c/o G.P. Putnam`s Sons, 200 Madison Ave., New York, N.Y. 10016.
