When I first arrived at my summer job, I was intoxicated with the excitement of having millions (OK, hundreds) of new guys around. I had this vague idea that despite my abysmal dating record, I would arrive at work and a new guy would be waiting patiently for me.
”Hello, I`m David,” he would announce. ”I`ll be your boyfriend for the next year.”
Sounds great, huh?
The only thing wrong with this scenario was that somebody forgot to inform David (and Steve and Rick and . . .) that I`d be working there. I couldn`t get a date with the same guy twice-let alone a boyfriend. I never seemed to meet any guys I really liked-or ones who really liked me. Basically, I was suffering from ”Love Drought,” one of those periods when you`re ready for a relationship but the fates refuse to cooperate. For months, maybe years, you can`t meet a decent guy.
There can be many reasons why you`re not connecting with the opposite sex during a Love Drought, and some of them may be out of your control. ”Too often girls blame themselves for being single when the problem is the people they`re meeting,” says Dr. Elaine Kleinbart, a New York psychotherapist. You might be traveling in the wrong circle or dating guys who are perfectly nice but just aren`t for you.
But there are some reasons for droughts that are in your control. Clueing in to them can help you work your way out of a loveless funk and into a relationship.
Making like a mole
Are you spending most of your free time locked in your room or plunked in front of the tube? No guy is going to just turn up on your doorstep, unless of course you`re into 10-year-old paper boys. You`ve got to be seen first before any man is going to decide he wants to see more of you.
Stressing out
There is some truth to the line, ”You`ll find a boyfriend when you stop looking for one.” Guys can sense when finding a relationship is your reason for living and nothing turns them off faster. Andrew MacDonald, 18, a student at UCLA, agrees. ”I once took a girl out to dinner on a first date and before we even got the menus, she announced, `I need to know where this is going.` I didn`t even know what she was talking about, so I said, `I`d thought we`d order appetizers first.` It was just too fast. She didn`t even know me! You both need time to get to know one another before you start thinking commitment.”
Dr. Irene Goldenberg, family psychologist and professor at UCLA`s department of psychiatry, adds that constant prowling can also be boring for the people you meet. ”When you`re obsessed with how you`re coming across, you`re focusing on yourself,” Goldenberg says. ”And no one is interested in someone who is completely self-absorbed.” When you`re with a guy-even if you don`t think he`s perfect-make an effort to concentrate on only him. Try to find out more about him instead of looking over his shoulder for someone better.
Stuck on an Ex
If you have recently broken up with a boyfriend, don`t be surprised if it takes a while to bounce back. Depending on how deeply attached you were to him, you may not be ready to date seriously again for weeks, months or even years. It takes time to get back your confidence and feel good about life again.
Willa Lucas, 16, of Syracuse, N.Y., was devastated when her boyfriend of two years abruptly ended their relationship. ”It was such a shock that it was a year before I could even think of seeing another guy,” she says. During that time, she remembers feeling so angry at men that had she dated, it would have been a disaster.
Get-lost looks
Another possible problem: You think you`re being receptive to guys but subconsciously you`re frightened of a relationship or are emotionally unready for its demands. And in response you`re unknowingly giving off stay-away signals.
During my first weeks of summer, I thought I wanted a boyfriend, but looking back on it, I realize I was quite intimidated by the idea. And I scared off any potential dates with some serious get-lost looks.
Every weekend, my best friend, Roberta, used to drag me to parties where I was totally uncomfortable. I remember standing in corners and practically baring my fangs at anyone who came near. I might have met Mr. Right, but he would`ve been frighten to talk to me. Meanwhile, guys were all over Roberta. Sure, she was attractive, but more important, she was also warm, friendly, open and accepting.
Picky, picky, picky
It`s OK-in fact, it`s strongly recommended-that you be selective about whom you choose for a boyfriend. Being single is infinitely preferable to sticking it out with someone who isn`t right for you. But there is a difference between being discriminating and being impossibly picky.
What makes you turn down a date with the greatest guy in the world simply because you don`t like his shoes? Believe it or not, your standards may not be too high; you could just be using these ”standards” as a defense because you`re afraid of a relationship. It`s less chancy to daydream about the perfect guy than to deal with the reality of flesh and blood with ”icky”
shoes.
Lisa Goodman, 19, a student at Trinity College in Hartford, Conn., talks wistfully about the ”one who got away.” ”When I was in high school, there was this guy who really was very sweet and incredibly smart. No one had ever paid much attention to me before, and he was coming on so strong, I guess I got scared. So I told myself that I couldn`t go out with him because my friend Julie thought he was boring. I was so worried she`d make fun of me. Now, when I think back and realize how special he was, I could kick myself. I`m hoping I`ll run into him at the next reunion.”
Ready for love
So how do you tell if you`re in a Love Drought simply because you`re scared? It`s a tough call since so much of these emotional issues are subconscious, points out Kleinbart. But there are some things you can try to tune in to. For starters, look to see if there`s been a pattern in your life. Do you often like a guy but then decide he`s an idiot as soon as he returns your interest? Do you go exclusively for guys who are notorious for chasing three girls at once?
If you continually reject guy after guy-particularly if you were crazy about them at first-you have to question whether there is something you are doing to avoid a relationship, says Kleinbart. Fortunately, recognizing an ambivalence toward successful romantic attachments is the first step toward changing it. Beyond that, removing the roadblocks to success-being a hermit, acting defensively-is often all you need.
But it`s important you recognize when not to change, when you need time to figure out what you want out of a relationship before falling head over heels.
”Abide by your own instincts,” advises Goldenberg. ”If you listen to yourself and not your girlfriends, or your mother, you`ll have a sense of when you`re ready. And if you`re not ready, I wouldn`t make a relationship a priority, even if everyone is saying, `What you need is a guy!` ”
It`s healthy to be single for a while. Concentrate instead on developing yourself, your friendships and your interests. When you find out who you are, it will be much easier to figure out the type of relationship that will be best for you.
