There`s a big difference between being concerned about the values or behavior of most of your children`s friends, and just disliking one or two of them.
The former may be a sign of an underlying problem with the child and may require professional help.
The latter-not liking only a few of your children`s friends-is normal. But there are some things you should bear in mind:
– Try not to judge the friends on superficial characteristics such as hairstyle, clothing or choices in music.
Comments about such matters are likely to make your child leap to the friends` defense. Instead, try to see the friends from your child`s perspective.
”Make your house the kind of place that your child feels comfortable bringing friends to,” said Laurence Steinberg, a professor of psychology at Temple University. ”That will help you get to know them and to make more intelligent judgments about them.”
– Don`t be surprised if your children and their friends don`t always get along.
”During adolescence, children sometimes use their friends to build their skills at arguing,” said Robert L. Selman, a professor of education at Harvard University. ”That can be a healthy sign, but parents may misinterpret it.”
– Pay attention to how you express your dislike of a friend.
Remember that criticizing the child in general terms (”He`s not the sort of boy you should be spending time with”) seldom works and may even backfire. ”Focus your discussion on the other child`s specific behaviors and your reactions to them,” advised Jan N. Hughes, a professor of educational psychology at Texas A&M University.
– Provide your child with opportunities to meet new friends.
Remember that individual friends are less important to a child`s development than the concept of friendship. Simply encouraging a child not to spend time with someone will seldom work by itself, especially if the child has few other friends.
”Given the choice between hanging around with someone the parents don`t like, and not being with anyone at all, the child will choose the former,”
Steinberg said. ”So you have to help your child associate with people you do like.”
