When men get together, they don’t just talk about sports. Especially if their wives have breast cancer.
Tom Stern’s wife, Sandy, had a bilateral mastectomy in July 1991. He’s been attending panel discussions ever since.
“The women eventually end up talking among themselves and the men do the same,” said Stern, a Chicagoan who is organizing a men’s hot line for the Y-ME National Organization for Breast Cancer. The hot line is scheduled to open this summer.
Among the comments Stern has heard, some are hard to fault, others are hard to fathom:
“She’s gonna die for sure.”
“Why can’t they just take out the cancer cells?”
“I think she’s dirty now.”
“If I kiss her, I could get it.”
“I’ll get a girlfriend.”
Stern has also talked to men who know nearly as much about breast cancer as the stricken lovers. He figures there are many other male partners who simply hesitate to seek counseling.
“You don’t have to just sit in the back and frown,” said Stern. “Understand that your wife is going to think she’s more deformed than she is in your eyes. Don’t be afraid to ask questions of the doctors.”
Ann Bloch recalls when her surgeon called in March 1990 with the initial diagnosis she would need a lumpectomy and chemotherapy. The doctor requested her husband, Bill, get on the extension.
“I knew the news was not good,” said Bloch, who lives in Homewood. “I went into shock, my brain was Jell-O. Bill and the doctor had an extensive conversation while I was thinking, `I’m going to die, so what difference does it make?’
“But Bill kept taking notes and he reviewed them with me later. It was very helpful.”
Perhaps even more helpful is for the man to share his feelings, including his fears.
That’s precisely the reason the Y-ME organization has made available a new booklet, “When the Woman You Love Has Breast Cancer.” The publication is the brainchild of Chicago sales and promotion executive Jim Feldman, who lost his wife, Susan, to breast cancer in 1991. Feldman said when his wife was diagnosed in 1987, he sought literature only to find nothing geared to male partners. He also said “I went to waiting rooms with my wife and the men weren’t there, the men were letting doctors take matters out of their hands.” (Copies of the booklet are free by writing Y-ME, Box PB, 18220 Harwood Ave., Homewood, Ill. 60430.)
“There is nothing out there that addresses the husband or male partner,” says Sharon Green, executive director of Homewood-based Y-ME. “We wanted men to know it’s OK to have these feelings. It’s important for the man to be part of open communication in the relationship.”
Green said that Y-ME’s hot line attracts some 1,000 calls each month in the Chicago area, and that “5 to 10 percent are from husbands and other family members.” She is hoping the booklet gets information into the hands of partners just diagnosed.
Not all husbands are as involved as Tom Stern or Bill Bloch.
“My husband never did deal with it,” said a married woman from the Northwest suburbs who is in remission after a modified radical mastectomy and a bone marrow transplant. “He didn’t want to talk about it. People would call up to ask how I was doing, he would say, `she’s fine’ when I wasn’t.”
This male stoicism can make the woman feel more isolated, and introduce even more stress to a situation. “It’s not that (the boyfriend) is not supportive,” said one patient, “it’s just that emotionally, he is not much of a safety net.”
Sandy Stern, on the other hand, appreciates her husband’s positive attitude. “He never let me feel less a person, less sexual or less a woman,” she said.
Facing reality is the toughest task for the male partner. It starts with the possibility of premature death. It’s the first thought in the woman’s head, and typically the first thought the man tries to hide.
“There’s something very final to it,” said Stern. “You ask yourself, `Am I going to lose her? Will she die? What will happen between now and then?’ “
“It’s important for the husband to talk about his experience,” said Paula Kopp, a nurse who runs the Lynn Sage Breast Cancer Program at Northwestern Memorial Hospital. “He often says, `Who am I to complain, she’s going through the treatments.’ But the husband is going through his own set of changes.”
Kopp said she doesn’t see many marriages or relationships break up because of breast cancer. Though thin in volume, research supports her experience.
In a 1982 UCLA study, divorce occurred in only 7 percent of marriages surveyed and most of the couples had existing problems before diagnosis.
According to the journal Innovations in Oncology Nursing, a 1989 study reported there was “no significant difference found between the marital adjustment scores of husbands of breast cancer patients and scores obtained for the normal population.”
Short of divorce, there are factors that put a strain on relationships. Some men are more stressed out by illness-related demands from their wives, while others can handle the extra chores but have a hard time with physical scars.
Another obstacle is the length of chemotherapy.
“After six months of chemo,” said Kopp, “the wife is the most tired while the husband’s stress is considerable. He is picking up around the house more than ever and people aren’t bringing over dinner.”
Y-ME suggests a couple can relax housekeeping standards by mutual agreement, fix simpler meals and have other household members take on additional duties.
Many chemotherapy treatments result in hair loss, which makes it a highly emotional time, according to many breast cancer patients.
“The day your hair falls out,” said Ann Bloch, “there’s no denying you have cancer.”
Bloch’s husband helped her deal with the change in appearance by going wig shopping with her.
Sexual intimacy, while not a key issue during the diagnosis and surgery stages, can later become a roadblock. According to research, one-quarter to one-third of all couples will experience problems.
“We all know the concept of breast men and leg men,” says Sharon Green of Y-ME. “For some men the breast means nothing, for some it’s the key to sexual intimacy.”
Men can support their partners by taking the first step toward renewing sexual relations. Holding and hugging is a good opener, without any expectations of further lovemaking.
“Seemingly small and insignificant actions can pave the way for healthier situations,” said Kopp. “It means so much to women when their husbands kiss their scar or touch their chest or say she’s beautiful.”
While no man can claim to know exactly how his partner feels when diagnosed with breast cancer, many try to search out the answers.
“It was hard for my husband,” said Ann Bloch. “There were days I was angry at him for being healthy. He couldn’t see it, how he took his health for granted. There were days when I shut him out. There were days I wanted to be reassured.”
“It does help you set your priorities,” said Bill Bloch. “Family comes first, and that made things easier.”
