You’re moving in together. It’s time to meld your tasteful and appropriate furnishings with his…well, aesthetically challenged collections.
Surely he won’t mind getting rid of those ugly orange chairs to make room for your leather sofas. And his framed Duran Duran posters? Well, you’ll convince him that the batik wall hangings that your dad brought back from Indonesia are much more suitable. But you’re not being selfish or unreasonable; after all, you’re willing to help him cart his furniture into storage.
The struggle for shared space is seldom simple because people are emotionally attached to their possessions, says Frank Vodvarka, an architectural photographer. “Think about it. People will run into burning houses to save their furniture. Your belongings are mementos of your existence. So don’t assume you’ll get your way so easily.
“Any time two people, each with their own things, attempt to move in together, there will be a battle,” he warns. “Both people want to mark their territory with their paintings, their dishes, their sofas. There’s a feeling that as more of the other person’s objects move in, less of your own control can be exerted. If you’re rational, you’ll pick the sofa that’s in better condition and is worth more. But the question really becomes, whose sofa will win out?”
What are your goals?
When deciding what to divest, consider your goals-both for the apartment and your relationship. “In a roommate situation, you may not want to get rid of everything, because one person may decide to move out in two years,” cautions Monica Thompson, president of Chaos to Order, a Chicago organizational consulting firm.
“I have a tenant who can’t bear to part with one of his couches, but doesn’t have space for it in the apartment. He knows he’ll need it again, so he keeps it tipped upright, outside the door,” says Thalia Poulos, president of the Chicago chapter of the National Association of Professional Organizers and president of Time Planners Inc.
“In a marriage, you don’t like to plan ahead for changes in your living arrangement,” Thompson says. “You anticipate that this is how it is and this is how it’s going to stay. And putting things in storage gets expensive long-term. If you’ve got two beautiful dining room sets, you’ll have to make a decision.”
If there is any chance of the relationship ending, label everything, Poulos recommends. “Consider it a furniture pre-nup. As Billy Crystal said in `When Harry Met Sally,’ `Someday you two will argue about who gets to keep that ugly table.’ “
Think about the way you will use your apartment. “If you like to watch TV before you sleep, put the smaller TV in the bedroom, instead of giving it away,” Poulos recommends. “If you’ll be eating out a lot and will only use your microwave to make popcorn once in a while, you can keep the puny one instead of the big one and save counter space. Do you plan to throw big parties instead of entertaining a few guests at a time? If so, you may want to hold on to both couches, even if they don’t match.”
Planning is essential to a peaceful move. “You don’t want to get there on moving day and be saying, `Put my table over there,’ when she thinks her table is going there,” Thompson says.
Long before the move, each person should take a personal inventory of his or her effects, Vodvarka recommends. “What objects really mean something to you and which are you arguing over as part of a power struggle. . . .” Try taking turns, or drawing lots to decide which controversial items will stay and which will go, he suggests.
Talk it out
Communicate, communicate, communicate. “Explain your reasons for wanting to keep your ratty old couch, so the other person doesn’t think you’re just trying to aggravate him,” Poulos advises. “Explain that your mother bought it for you at a critical time in your life and it has always provided comfort.”
“Assume that the other person’s point of view is tasteful and negotiate from that point,” says Deborah Reinhart-Kenlay, a local interior designer. “Negotiating and compromising is not losing. If you give something up, that doesn’t mean you’re giving up part of yourself. Dumping that overstuffed, floral chair you had in college may be the right decision for the space. It’s an inanimate object. Keep it impersonal.”
“One compromise we had to make, because of space, was that I had to get rid of my desk,” says Beth England, who recently moved in with her boyfriend. “Because I work at home, I need a table, so I now use the dining room as my office. He’s not thrilled about that, but that’s the way it is.”
If at all possible, move into a new place together, instead of cramming one person’s stuff into another person’s furnished apartment. “If we had gotten a new place together, it would have been much larger and we wouldn’t have had to get rid of so many things,” England says. “When you move into someone’s apartment, you tend to keep whatever they have in place. His VCR, for example, wasn’t better, but it was already in place. And his microwave was built in, so we got rid of mine.”
On the other hand, “His (bed) frame is dismantled and in the closet,” England says. “The mattress is on the bottom of my mattress and box spring.”
“Putting items in storage is a safe interim step when you’re moving in with someone,” says Micki Lipson, a Chicago relocation consultant. “It’s that psychological comfort zone where you know your things are still there if you need them. Once you get rid of them, they’re gone. And plus, if you decide to redecorate, you’ve got a whole stash of accessories in there.”
If you do put items into storage, Lipson advises, “Make sure it’s nearby. Fill it with items that you dearly love and don’t want to part with, but don’t need to look at on a regular basis-like high school pictures and trophies. Store seasonal items like skis, bikes and Christmas decorations.”
Another alternative to permanently unloading your stuff is lending it to a friend or relative. “I gave my living room furniture to my sister,” England says. “She’s thrilled, because she’s starting a new home.” What happens if England ever wants it back? “It’s mine. If I want it back, I get it back.”
Cramming too much furniture in a room is “like wearing too many clothes,” Thompson says. “If you had extra vests, you wouldn’t wear them all at the same time, would you?” In a small apartment, even minor mistakes are glaring. Here’s some advice on how to whittle and meld.
Creating storage space
Create extra storage space for your unused furniture and accessories by weeding out other unnecessary items, like old clothes, suggests professional organizer Mary Piccoli, president of Great Assistants in Oak Park. “Not only would it help you, but there are lots of charities that could really use the items that you’re keeping as luggage.”
“Be sure that every accessory is absolutely the right choice, not just the expedient choice,” Reinhart-Kenlay says.
“Think vertical,” Poulos says. She recommends doubling up on organizers-racks for everything from spices to sweaters to CDs. And remember, not everything has to be against a wall; bring some items forward into the room, she suggests.
Be objective. “Look at the quality of the furnishings,” Reinhart-Kenlay says. “But be brave enough to forget about how much something cost and get rid of it if it doesn’t work.” Use decorating elements to draw together diverse pieces. Mask a quality sofa with a slipcover that matches other furniture, she suggests. “Or bring in an area rug that contains all the colors you’re trying to combine.”
One option, particularly helpful for roommates, is splitting the apartment into zones, Poulos says. “One room should be common ground. You figure it out together and then stick to the rules. Then each person has one other room, or even a bathroom, to make all the decisions about.”
If you’ve tried, but you can’t work everything out right now, don’t worry, Vodvarka says. “It doesn’t mean you are incompatible. For the first year the apartment will look pretty funny-a bunch of compromises. But over time you will divest yourself of most of these objects, and replace them with objects picked by both of you.”
It’s crucial to “approach the other person’s quirky choices with a certain degree of humor,” Vodvarka advises. “Recognize that these are not rational impulses, and indulge each other.”
“It’s really important to allow the other person to bring in their things and make the place look like theirs, too,” Lipson says. “If it doesn’t have a sense of you, you’ll always feel like you’re living in someone else’s home.”
“I wish I could get him to get rid of his stupid barcalounger, that’s front and center in the living room,” England says. “But that won’t happen. And I’m not going to get rid of the Shaker rocker that I picked up in college. You won’t believe how many arguments we’ve had over this.” On the plus side of mixing your wares, she adds, “you can never have too many blenders.”
