Never before, my fellow Americans, has the choice been clearer. Big government, small government. More taxes, less taxes. MTV, AMC.
We stand at a crossroads in our great nation’s history. Will the next four years be known as the Age of Sharon Stone or the Stone Age? Will we have four more years of AIDS ribbons at awards ceremonies or will they be replaced by “Ask Me About My Grandchildren” buttons?
And what does it mean for those of us in the Peanut Gallery? Must we endure more images of Hillary and Tipper swaying to “Don’t Stop (Thinking About Tomorrow)”? Or does some fresh hell await us: like Bob and Liddy doing the Macarena?
It’s Decision ’96, and the choice is so much bigger than who’s going to be president. It’s about tone. Style. What’s in, what’s out. Who makes the cover of People, Entertainment Weekly and Vanity Fair. And who’s lucky to get a mention in “Where Are They Now?”
Make no mistake, a straight line runs from D.C. to L.A. with major money going east and big-time exposure, respectability and bragging rights going west.
When you pull the lever on Nov. 5, you’re voting for more than a First Family, you’re also voting for First Actor, First Action Star, First Singer. It’s all up for grabs, although Democrats like to say there are three things that are certain: death, taxes and Barbra Streisand.
STREISAND: Somebody, anybody! Push 1 on the speed-dial. My nails are wet.
OPERATOR: White House. May we help you?
STREISAND: Lemme talk to Bill. Tell ‘m it’s Babs.
OPERATOR: One minute, please. (Whispering) It’s her again, Mr. President.
PRESIDENT: (Singing) People, people who need people. . .
STREISAND: Hello, gorgeous!
PRESIDENT: Ah was just thinking about y’all! Ah was just saying to Hill’ry, “Hill’ry, Ah wonder what that great humanitarian and fundraiser extraordinaire, the vision behind that unforgettable film experience known as `Yentel’–`Daddy, Daddy can you hear me?’–who has never been fully honored by her peers because they’re jealous of her prodigious talents and bodacious cleavage, what, Ah’m wondering, is her opinion on aid to illegal aliens, third-trimester abortions and a flat tax?”
STREISAND: I thought you’d never ask, you big galoot!
Streisand, with her ability to raise millions just by opening her mouth, casts a long shadow on the Democratic Party. She can host a single fundraiser and bring in enough cash to sponsor a dozen TV ads. (“Just think: Dole in the White House; Gingrich in the Congress. Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.”) That kind of power buys her major clout. She gets briefings on Bosnia. (“Enough with the shootings! Be mensches, people!”) She stays in the Lincoln Bedroom. (“Feel these Donna Karan sheets. They’re like buttah!”) She gets to jog with the president. (“What’s ya hurry?”)
But the Republicans are not without star power. They have Charlton Heston. Who, of course, cannot sing, but whose name still has cachet in certain places. Like Sun City. With his NRA contacts, he can raise plenty of money for TV ads (“We can’t afford four more years of Bill Clinton. He’s eating us out of house and home!”).
As the Republican ticket closes the gap, we must consider this: Bob Dole might actually be elected. What will it mean, not in terms of the deficit or farm subsidies or price controls, things nobody understands, but celebrity-wise? How will it affect what we watch? Who we listen to? Who gets to open a new mega-huge chain of theme restaurants and who’s lucky to open a Popsicle stand? Whose show will be green-lighted and whose sent to turnaround?
Do you really think there is a place for a lust-laden “Seinfeld” or a hormone-driven “Friends” in a Dole administration? Must-See TV will mean “Golden Girls” reruns and a reprieve for “Murder, She Wrote.”
We know the profound influence that Hollywood has had on the Clinton White House. There was the attempt to take over the press corps travel office by producers Linda Bloodworth-Thomason and husband Harry. (See Travelgate.) There were high-level discussions of domestic affairs between the president and Sharon Stone. Breakfast meetings between Morgan Fairchild and Al Gore. Screenings of “Emma” in the White House with the president sharing a bucket of popcorn with Gwyneth Paltrow. Elvis paintings on black velvet in the West Wing. Rumors of an ambassadorship for Antonio Banderas. Good times for Roseanne, Bill Maher, Charles Grodin.
Do you think it’s a coincidence that Democratic fundraiser Richard Dreyfuss got his first decent role since “Jaws” with Clinton in office? Do you wonder why Mary Steenburgen, best known for her work in “Melvin and Howard,” suddenly has her own TV show? She’s an old FOB.
Does Bob Dole have any Hollywood friends?
Other than June Allyson?
Of course he does. There are the Sunshine Boys, also known as the Sansabelt Set: Robert Stack, Jimmy Stewart, Bob Hope and, of course, Heston. They’re thinking of remaking “The House of Wax” as a buddy film. Arnold Schwarzenegger can be counted on to tick off his in-laws with a little Republican fundraising.
And then there’s Bo Derek. She seems to have gotten religion since she frolicked in the surf and did the horizontal tango in “10.” Back in 1990, President Bush so enjoyed discussing animal rights with her that he took a break from budget talks to show her his office and his horseshoe pit. And Derek is the kind of woman Republicans can count on. She’s there for Dole, and her ability to raise funds must be in the high three figures.
The truth is, other than Heston, Hope and Derek, Dole may have a hard time finding any prime show-biz supporters. His Hollywood-bashing has made him Mr. Scrooge in high-flying Malibu circles. There weren’t a lot of stars in San Diego. And most of the ones that were there were Democrats.
The Creative Coalition, a group that seems to exist to give the Baldwin boys an excuse to get together and Party! Party! Party! didn’t get much of a turnout for its symposiums during the Republican National Convention. Pat Buchanan sent his regrets to “The Politics of Abortion.” And Dole and his friends in the tobacco lobby planned to go to “Money and Politics: Are Dollars Buying Democracy?” but they got held up at a photo op with Joe Camel.
The coalition may fare better in Chicago, where it’s planning a forum on “What is the Entertainment Industry’s Responsibility to Not Offend Its Audience?” And after Pamela Anderson Lee has starred in a movie, isn’t it a little late to ask? Getting another shot is the ever-popular “Money and Politics.”
Some Hollywood heavyweights may show up, the kind that hate Dole’s guts. He has alienated so many of them. And no one in Hollywood is heavier in clout right now than Bruce Willis.
Willis, also known as Bruno, and his wife, the eminently dislikable and prematurely bald Demi (pronounced duh-MEEEE) Moore, are the Liz and Dick of unwatchable movies. And a genuine fun couple. They attend all the big premieres and an occasional Starbucks opening. They are major stars of great importance–ask them! They even own a town! They take themselves very seriously. They have major egos–they’re entitled!–and they are angry at Dole’s attacks on sex and violence in movies.
Think of the future, America
For too long, too many of us in this great land of ours have been selfish. We have voted for Democrats or Republicans because we thought they would make life better for us. We didn’t think what it would mean for our fellow citizens. What it would mean for Jay Leno, for instance.
For the past four years, Leno has had a free run. Every night he has made merry at Clinton’s expense. His favorite target has been the president’s reputation as a stud. When Dole finally got the nomination two weeks ago, Leno led off his monologue by declaring that on this night, Bob Dole had finally achieved his 16-year dream. Then he quickly added that on this night, the president had finally achieved his 16-year dream. And then he showed an adorable cheerleader, doing the splits. The general tone of his Clinton remarks can be summed up with one line that he repeats often: The president is so far ahead in the polls, he can start dating.
What will Leno have to work with if Dole is elected? Raisin Bran just isn’t that funny.
