Dear Dr. Laura: I am male, 24 and one year into a wonderful job. The problem is that most of the people I work with have different moral standards than I do.
For instance, when I arrived back from working out of town, my boss asked me if I’d gotten (any sex) during the trip. The jokes are constantly there, and half the people in the place are bigoted. I try to just let it go.
During a recent business trip, however, I shared a hotel room with a co-worker. At 3 a.m. I was awakened by the sounds of my married “roommate” having sex with the waitress from the restaurant.
This made me sick. I’ve totally lost respect for him. What should I do?
A — Have you ever wondered why people speak more respectfully in front of a nun or police officer? Such people are seen not only as authority figures but as upholders of a standard of speech and behavior.
It’s not unusual for those who are offended by promiscuity, pornography, gross speech, bigotry or generally rude and stupid behavior to be afraid of offending the offenders and thereby becoming a target of their derision or exclusion. Because of those fears, too many people fail to show their more moral or tasteful natures and preferences.
The co-worker who brought a woman into your shared hotel room for sex had no respect for her, for his marriage vows or for you. The reason he had no respect for you is that you haven’t dared to establish your position.
There are ways to do this without confrontation and recrimination. You can calmly state your position of discomfort with gossip, vulgarity and sexual acting out without coming off like an avenging angel.
The identifiable uniforms of the nun and the policeman basically telegraph their positions on these issues. Without a uniform, you need to do it with words.
Q — I have listened to and admired your beliefs and principles for quite a while, but I have trouble grasping the same confidence and belief in God as you.
My parents have both been mentally ill. My dad was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic and after numerous crises (including trying to murder my mother with a knife in front of me when I was 4), he eventually hanged himself in a mental hospital. My mother is working on her fourth visit to (a mental institution), claiming the FBI or police or others are out to get her.
I am 50 and have watched both parents screw up their lives with paranoia–becoming homeless, friendless and the works. I would love to have your faith. How is that possible?
A — One of the most difficult struggles for people is to reconcile a loving God with the pain and evil one sees in the world.
I must admit that I have struggled with this myself. In the year since my formal conversion to Judaism, I have studied, prayed and learned Jewish law and tried to live it. I, like most people, wanted to feel that my commitment would bring a kind of protection against problems, pains and crises.
In the beginning of 1997, I caught a major flu and had laryngitis and pharyngitis and lost my voice for two weeks–which scared me badly because I earn my living as a radio talk-show host! I became angry at God for not protecting me.
One night when I sarcastically croaked out the following in front of my husband and son as I opened and peered into kitchen cabinets: “Where is God when I need him? How could he let this happen to me when I am trying to do righteous work?”
My 11-year-old son came over, wiped my tears and said, “Mom, God has special ways of helping. Right now God is in Dad and me as we take care of you and love you.”
At that moment I gained a more mature insight into the unfathomable but omnipresent. Maybe you’ve been looking in the kitchen cabinets too.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
