Dear Dr. Laura: I am a 36-year-old woman still looking for Mr. Right. I’m also the parent of a grown daughter born while I was in high school. I would love to marry and have more children so I can fulfill my dream of being a full-time mom, but am slowly coming to realize that it may never happen.
In the event that I don’t marry in the next three or four years, I’ve been thinking of adopting a school-aged little girl. Would this be an act of selfishness? Is a child better off in a foster home with two parents or in an adoptive home with one parent? I’m very successful in my career, but my job allows me plenty of time–evenings, weekends, vacations–to devote to a child. — Reston, Va.
A — I never sniff at so-called selfishness when it serves the best interests of another human being!
Of the alternatives you offer, it is indeed better for an older child, suffering neglect and rejection, to be in the consistent and loving arms of one parent than to bounce from non-committed place to place.
However, your being home evenings is not good enough. You should be the one taking her to school and being there when school is out. (One of the benefits of two parents is that someone can always be there–if they really want to.)
Q — I want to be a person of character but struggle about some decisions. I know it’s wrong to cheat, for example, yet I rationalized it when I went to renew my driver’s license and had to take the written test again. Does that make me bad? I feel terrible.
A — One of the distinguishing characteristics of a “good” person is that he or she feels guilt. However, feeling that guilt is not enough; it is important to learn and change as a result.
I read a disturbing commentary from a 17-year-old girl that appeared in one of those newspaper weekend magazines. On the question of cheating she said: “I am a high school honors student and think there are different degrees of cheating. I’m a dedicated student, but when my history teacher bombards me with 50 questions due tomorrow or when a teacher gives me a fill-in-the-blanks worksheet on a night when I have swim practice, church, aerobics–and other homework–I’m going to copy from a friend.
“It’s not like I won’t know the stuff for the test, and since I only do this when I need to, it isn’t a habit. Every kid does this when they’re in a pinch. It doesn’t mean they are `cheaters’ . . .I would never cheat on a test . . .I am in the top 6 percent of my class, and I didn’t get here by cheating.”
First, she says she is an `honors’ student, yet she cheats at will and whim. Is it just me, or is cheating a lack of honor?
Second, she says that every student in a pinch cheats (untrue) and that our actions don’t define our character (also untrue).
Third, she brags about her academic standing and declares, after specifying the conditions under which she would cheat without a second thought, that she didn’t get there by cheating. Huh?
In between, she insists she wouldn’t cheat on a test. Can we count on that?
While there may seem to be degrees of cheating, there really is no way, especially for a youth, to fully understand all the consequences of such actions. Seemingly small cutting of corners at a seemingly inconsequential moment could result in mass disaster. Also, what amounts to “small cheating” by her may be very large when someone does it to her.
For instance, let’s say that some years hence a technician in a small medical testing lab has a heavy evening class load, and decides just once to do most of the tests for cervical cancer, and use statistics to report on the rest. What’s the difference, since they mostly come out negative?
God forbid that our former “honors” student should be the one who becomes a medical statistic.
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
