Dear Dr. Laura: Four years ago my mother-in-law had a stroke and the doctor said she could no longer live alone. My husband’s brother and girlfriend said they did not want to see her go to a nursing home and offered to take her.
She went to live with them but she was never happy there and always wanted to be in her own home. My husband went to some trouble to find a lady to live with her, but when the lady arrived, my mother-in-law changed her mind and said she wanted to stay with my husband’s brother.
They looked after her for two years and then put her in a nursing home. When we brought her to our home she was very unhappy, cried and complained constantly, and wanted to go back to the home. Now when we go to see her in the home she cries for us to take her to her house and look after her. We can’t do that and we can’t afford to pay for someone to live with her.
She threatened to never see my husband again if he didn’t take her home. I think she’s being selfish and yet I dread that she’ll die in a place she hated to be. The doctor says she absolutely has to have 24-hour care. Is there anything else you could suggest? — Atlanta
A — Can you imagine the misery and frustration of not being able to take care of yourself? Wherever she went she took that pain, hurt, fear, rage, humiliation and disappointment with her.
While it is necessary and appropriate for her physical needs and well-being to be addressed, it is so typical for the emotional and psychological aspects to be overlooked, sometimes even by the medical community.
There are probably two things that would help her immensely: one is a good licensed clinical social worker (emotional), the other is compassionate clergy (spiritual).
She is only sitting and stewing in her pain; she has probably lost sight of her humanness and needs support in making sense and meaning out of life, considering how she’s ended up.
If the nursing home does not provide these essential services, get them to come in from the outside. The LCSW might suggest some temporary medication for depression — but turn to that only if absolutely warranted.
Q — I caught part of your discussion on the radio recently, on how children should address the spouse(s) of divorced grandparents.
I am so hurt because I (bio-grandma) and my ex-husband’s new wife are both called `Grandma’ by MY grandchildren. The new wife came along after my children were adults, and I think everyone is being very insensitive. — New York
A — I agree with you. It is so sadly typical for folks to worry more about themselves than others. Your “adult” children don’t want the hassle from dad or his new wife, who probably have been more forceful about this issue than you have been.
Also, your adult children are probably embarrassed by the divorce and remarriage and wanted to minimize the whole thing with respect to their children. The new wife should have been called by her first name. So much for “. . .names will never hurt me.”
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Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, Ill. 60611.
Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
