With experts reporting that 50 percent of marriages in the United States end in divorce, it’s not surprising that the trend is reflected in card stores, where invitations to a divorce-is-final party can be found across the aisle from wedding invitations.
According to several previously married people, however, post-divorce arguments over children and finances place the divorce-is-final party idea into the wishful-thinking category, even if there is money left for a party.
But a happy ending, or at least the achievement of a satisfactory comfort level, does not have to be limited to fairy tales, according to Highland Park domestic relations attorney Louis Fine and Glenview family counselor Susan Davidson. Fine and Davidson are the founders of the Resolution Group of Illinois, a divorce-mediation service with offices in the Loop and Lake Forest.
After years of working with clients whose marriages were breaking up, Fine and Davidson separately decided to add divorce mediation to their practices. They liked what mediation could do for people.
“It helps people come to a resolution,” Fine said. “In a sense, mediation is a social service. It can help end the agony of divorce and help people speedily resolve a problem or help an inexperienced person know what his or her options are.
“Maybe not all things, but many things can be more easily resolved without lawyers,” he said. “I figure that anything done through this type of resolution cuts down on stress and the money spent on attorneys’ fees. A person could spend $50,000 on attorneys’ fees and not be happy.” Fine explained that a mediation generally costs $1,200 to $2,000 and takes four to nine sessions.
He added that he is not “knocking” attorneys. “They have to make a living. I’m an attorney, but I’m not in favor of attorneys heightening the battle between two people who want to get out of a marriage,” Fine said.
Davidson, who witnessed the emotional trauma that divorce can create during therapy sessions with clients, saw mediation as a tool to alleviate stress.
“I love problem solving and exploring options,” she said. “Mediation does that. Many issues can be settled independent of an attorney if you can get people to sit down and talk to each other.”
When Fine and Davidson met during a divorce-mediation certification class operated by the Mediation Training and Consultation Institute in Ann Arbor, Mich., in October 1996, they decided to join forces as divorce mediators but maintain their separate practices.
“The dynamics are good. We pick up on different things,” Fine said. And because mediation means working with both sides in a divorce at the same time, the presence of both a male and female mediator relieves some of the misgivings held by clients, according to Davidson and Fine.
“It should not be: Someone wins, someone loses,” Davidson said. “With mediation, it can be win-win. They may not both be equally happy, but at least they will feel it was fair and they had something to say about it.”
“Sometimes it takes an impartial party,” Fine said, “someone who is not representing one side or the other, to help a couple see that they can come to an agreement that will be satisfactory to both of them.
“We do not tell them what is the right thing for them. We tell them their options,” he said. “We define the issues. Then, when they go to court, they know what they want to incorporate into the final settlement rather than have the judge have to decide because they couldn’t agree.”
A check with people involved in the legal system who constantly deal with divorce confrontations found that most give mediation two thumbs up, particularly where children are involved.
Unlike Lake County, which does not have any mandatory mediation, the Cook County courts can require mediation in custody and visitation disputes over children. Cook County Circuit Judge Carole Kamin Bellows, who handles custody and visitation disputes, noted that she orders mandatory mediation in more than 80 percent of the cases. Court-mandated mediation is free and is typically conducted by the Cook County Mediation Services in two two-hour sessions.
The custody and visitation division of the court couldn’t survive without mediators, Bellows said. “Mediation is an outstanding service.”
Cook County Mediation Services Director David Royko sees mediation as a valuable tool not just in custody and visitation disputes, which is his department’s primary responsibility, but in all aspects of divorce settlements.
“The modern-day court system is not conceived with families in mind,” Royko said. “It pits people against one another. But divorcing does not necessarily mean the people should be enemies. Mediation is a way to resolve disputes without creating more rage and animosity.
“We could serve parents or clients better if we had mediation on anything being disputed that is worthwhile,” he said. “But we can’t handle more. Frankly, I think mediation should be the norm. And I think it will become more and more common as the years go by. It makes sense.”
But Lake County Associate Circuit Judge Margaret J. Mullen sees mediation as worthwhile in just some cases.
“It depends. When each one knows what the other owns and owes, it’s simple. But when one person controls the assets and finances, the other is not in a good position to effectively mediate because mediation will not uncover everything. That is what the discovery process before a judge does,” Mullen said.
She also defended divorce lawyers as providers of a needed service.
“When you go to your lawyer, you expect the person to fight for you,” she said. “It depends upon a couple’s attitude. If the people have it in mind that they want it to get settled, then mediation could be very effective. But some people are not in the most cooperative spirit to settle through mediation. They want to play hardball. And they like to know the judge is there to enforce what was decided.”
A former suburbanite who asked that his name not be used found mediation to be a better way to reach agreement with a soon-to-be-ex-spouse than through battling attorneys.
“Mediation worked better than the attorneys did,” he said. “Having the mediator explain the relative positions of both parties was helpful. Divorce is an emotionally charged issue. You start to get an unrealistic view of the relationship. And you get that unrealistic view from your attorney. It takes a mediator with no ax to grind for either party to set the record straight, help both of you step back and look at the situation.”
Mediation was exactly what Glenview resident Mary Quaid wanted when she sought a divorce after 27 years of marriage.
“It’s more amicable, less expensive, and it wasn’t as time-consuming,” said Quaid, who heard of Fine through a friend. “When you can work things out ahead of time, you’re not spending lawyers’ time. And it is a more friendly way. I’m 100 percent glad we did it this way.”
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For more information, call 847-234-6768 or 312-236-6925.
