DEAR DR. LAURA — I am a 49-year-old man, married to a wonderful woman for 24 years. We had a daughter nine years ago and are financially secure. Five years ago I started exercising every morning with about 10 other people, including a very special woman.
She is 41, single, a doctor and never married. We have grown very close. It was obvious after a while that we were headed for trouble if we continued to see each other. I finally said we could no longer be together, and it has been eight months since I’ve seen her.
Now I find myself consumed with thoughts of her and feel I need help with this situation. Is this normal? Will I eventually forget about this person? Seattle
A — You were wrong in entertaining the comfort, stimulation and temptation of this relationship for so long.
It is, of course, so much more romantic and appealing to have sweaty, flirtatious trysts than to deal with the mundane aspects inherent in relationships and life, and to know that where you are truly and deeply known (within your family) is not where you appear as the dashing hero.
However, keep in mind that where you are truly known and truly loved in spite of flaws and inadequacies, there you are truly blessed.
Congratulations for pulling back. But the price you have to pay for the 4 1/2 years of “play” is the painful withdrawal from fantasy. Please don’t take this pain out on your wife and child by finding faults in them which you twist in an attempt justify any unfair, unkind emotional distance on your part. And yes, it will get better.
Q — I am 39 and my wife is 37. We’ve been married for 18 years and have four children, ages 5 through 14. I knew my wife and her family before we started dating. She knew I wanted to marry a virgin and she told me that she had had no intercourse. About 45 days ago, my wife told me she was not a virgin when we got engaged. She feels very bad about it, and it has depressed the both of us, but we are making progress. Is it normal to feel so hurt and cheated one day and so lucky the next, because I have a wife who feels she can talk to me now? Madison, Wis.
A — I’m of the impression you’ve answered this yourself. Yes, it is regrettable that she lied, but if she hadn’t, you would have missed out on your not-perpetually-perfect (whose is?) but wonderful family.
If she had lied about ongoing behavior, she’d be a lousy person today, continually destroying your family life. She lied about an event, an event over which she feels regret and which she has not repeated. Keep focused on the difference.
Q — I found a stray dog which lived happily in our back yard for three weeks while I tried to find her owner. I then gave her to an acquaintance who said he’d take her on a trial basis.
After a few days he called to say he’d changed his mind about having a dog and had given her to a friend of his. I said OK.
A few more days passed, then the acquaintance called to tell me that the dog had jumped his friend’s fence and attacked the dog next door. He said that he thought I should pay one-third of a $1,200 veterinarian’s bill. My husband thinks it is not our responsibility and that the new owner did not keep her secured properly. He thinks I am being taken advantage of. Austin
A — Since you had no experience with the dog escaping or being dog-aggressive, you did not pass the dog along in bad faith. The other person’s misfortune is simply one of the risks one assumes when taking on a dog as a pet. Hopefully the owner’s home insurance can cover the expense. We live in a time when folks rarely seem to be able to cope with “life” without blaming someone else. Sad.
Questions may be sent to Dr. Laura Schlessinger in care of the Chicago Tribune WOMANEWS section, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Questions of general interest will be answered often in this weekly column; unpublished letters cannot be answered individually.
