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No, this cannot be.

Pigs fly. Diamonds fall like rain. Ed Lynch walks on water.

The Cubs actually do something.

Something bold, shrewd, expensive and season-saving necessary.

Knock me over with a Rod Beck featherball.

Beck couldn’t close many late-game deals, but Lynch just did. Give former pitcher Lynch the biggest save of his five years as general manager.

The Cubs, of all lovable losers, just made a win-now steal of a deal. They did not have to give up an emerging starting pitcher such as Kyle Farnsworth or a valuable bat such as Tyler Houston’s. They did not drag their feet until the July 31 trade deadline, then overpay or underestimate a rival (Houston) angling for a difference-maker (Randy Johnson).

No, this doesn’t quite make up for folding prematurely in the July 31 poker game to win the Big Unit and last year’s NL Central. But acquiring Rick Aguilera for two fairly insignificant minor-league pitchers was a slick, significant move.

Richard Warren Aguilera is a quality human and quality pitcher with a 37-year-old arm as ageless and versatile as Terry Mulholland’s. Aguilera will happily pitch long or short relief. As Minnesota’s closer, he had a 1.27 earned-run average with just two walks in 21 1/3 innings.

What a relief.

If Aguilera had been closing for the Cubs, they might have won five or six more games. No, he doesn’t throw quite as hard as he used to, but his sinking fastball should induce welcome groundouts on gone-with-the-wind days at Wrigley Field.

“Aggie,” as he’s called, knows how to pitch and handle himself under pressure. He and Kevin Tapani, his former Twins teammate, are close friends. He played with Lynch in New York. He played for Cubs President Andy MacPhail on the 1991 Minnesota club that won the World Series.

He’ll fit this team like a salt-and-pepper beard.

No, adding Aguilera won’t strike fear in the first-place Astros’ hearts. But it will raise an eyebrow or two in Houston–and, more importantly, spirits in the Cubs’ clubhouse.

Forget about lynching Ed. Lynch just sent a message to the National League and his veteran players: “We mean business.”

Privately, several Cubs had voiced frustration over why Lynch wouldn’t or couldn’t acquire another pitcher when Kerry Wood blew out his arm in spring training.

As one said: “Obviously, you can’t replace Kerry. But Ed has to get us one more proven pitcher so we believe we have a chance.”

Now this team believes it has a chance at–and in–the postseason. Now this team looks across the field at Atlanta, which eliminated the Cubs in three straight last October, and sees the umps squeezing the strike zones of Greg Maddux and Tom Glavine, finally making them look like just a couple of wimpy guys.

Cubs fans dig the long balls those two have been surrendering.

But Beck, of course, has turned into a virtual rocket-launcher. Team sources continue to say a herniated disc suffered in spring training is restricting Beck’s delivery. Beck refused the advice of team doctors to have back surgery.

Last week, the team announced bone chips and spurs in his pitching elbow will require Beck to spend 15 days on the disabled list. This was thought to be a convenient excuse for Beck and manager Jim Riggleman. Beck needed to rest his body and psyche; Riggleman did not need the pressure to keep using him.

But then Beck began demanding to have surgery on his elbow. Then Scott Sanders blew a save Thursday night, allowing a ninth-inning, game-tying homer to Atlanta’s Gerald Williams.

Lynch had heard and seen enough. Lynch obviously wrote off Beck for most or all of the season and Lynch couldn’t stomach the thought of watching Riggleman’s closer-by-committee night after Maalox night.

Go, Ed, go.

Atlanta had cooled its pursuit of Aguilera because left-handed smoke-thrower John Rocker was looking more and more like a dominating closer. But how Lynch was able to get Minnesota to back off its demand for Farnsworth is remarkable. Knowing how desperate the Cubs were, the Twins had the leverage.

But Aguilera, who could approve any trade, liked the Cubs’ chances and camaraderie. Perhaps Twins management did him a favor, accepting right-handers Jason Ryan and Kyle Lohse for him.

Ryan, 23, has some talent. While he was 5-0 this season at Class AA, he was 3-13 at the same level last year.

For a Cubs team with so many aging players and so many free agents after this win-now season, Ryan was a small price to pay for Aguilera.

Yet the Cubs didn’t pay Aguilera a small price. He received a $250,000 raise, to $3.5 million, for this season. At his option, he can play for the same salary next season with an additional $500,000 in incentives.

All this on top of the $9.5 million the Cubs are paying Beck this season and next. Did somebody say the Cubs are cheap? Slow-moving? Easily taken?

Not this time.