`When are you going back to work?” It’s a question I’ve been asked ever since I decided to quit my job seven years ago and stay home with my newborn daughter, one I had even asked myself every once in a while.
Aside from the irony of the phrase “back to work,” I know the inquiry refers to a job outside my home, perhaps in an office with a desk, a phone, a dental plan and a regular paycheck. My traditional response has always been “When the kids go to school,” confident that the workload of caring for my curious daughter and energetic son would let up once they entered their elementary years. I looked forward to pursuing my career goals full time again, not to mention adding to the family income.
Yet as my daughter finishes her first year of grade school and the demands of carpooling, swimming lessons and homework pile up, I realize that the workload involved in raising my family has not lessened . . . in fact, in many ways it has become more of a challenge.
Apparently, I’m not alone. Parents who have been managing, juggling and working hard to balance their family and career are surprised at the increased challenges once their children enter school. Homework, social invitations and sports activities continue to monopolize parents’ time; child supervision, educational obligations and emotional development demand even more attention and energy from moms and dads.
Many parents discover that the job that once supported and enriched their family life is not compatible with the schedules and commitments of school. And as their kids reach school age, many parents find themselves choosing to leave the stress and hassles of their current employment to rework the dynamics of their changing families.
“We continue to live in a culture in which the institution of work does not overlap well with the institution of school,” said Angela Hattery, assistant professor of sociology at Wake Forest University and author of the recently released “Women, Work and Family: Balancing and Weaving” (Sage Publications, $32.95 paperback).
Though most parents agree that infants must be watched like a hawk, the older a child gets, the less obvious their needs for parental supervision and constant guidance become.
“Though many families with young children believe these needs will disappear as children age, many of us find out [that] school just provides a whole new set of issues to deal with: snow days, vacations such as spring break, President’s Day and the fact that the school day is shorter than the work day,” Hattery said.
And though many parents long for more time to connect with their children, the coordination of social and school activities can be overwhelming. Kim Day, who left her job at Lucent Technologies when her twin girls entered school, originally just wanted to maximize her time with her children.
“Part of my decision was knowing that I wanted to volunteer at the school when my girls started kindergarten and to be home with them during school holidays and summers,” said Day, whose husband, Chuck, is a marketing specialist with an insurance company.
“But I wasn’t aware of all the other juggling that would be required until my girls actually started school,” said Day, who added that many of the extracurricular activities her daughters are involved in, such as gymnastics and soccer, take place after school hours.
A complicated life
“The early part of the day for a stay-at-home parent of a school-aged child is physically easier. Unfortunately, the afternoons and evenings are a nightmare,” said Vicki Iovine, parenting expert, author and mother of four, whose newly released “The Girlfriends’ Guide to Getting Your Groove Back, or, How to Love Your Family Without Losing Your Mind” (Perigee, $13.95) covers the issues of managing family and work.
“The older kids get, the more interests they develop and the more friends they acquire, and all that means to a parent is more driving,” Iovine said.
Of course, making it to soccer practice and Brownies after school barely scratches the surface of an older child’s needs.
“Babies and toddlers seem to be in danger of bumps or scrapes or getting lost in malls. Older kids are far more complex,” said Iovine, adding that the bigger the kid, the bigger the issue.
A growing need
“Some parents may believe that once children go to school, the parent’s role as educator is over or takes a back seat,” said Janis Keyser, parenting specialist and co-author of “Becoming the Parent You Want To Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years” (Broadway Books, $20).
From her extensive work with parents and teachers, Keyser said she has learned that as children enter the “middle years,” they need a safe environment with defined parameters for healthy exploration.
“In fact, children need their parents more than ever,” Keyser said. “They have moved beyond the circle of the family and are learning about different belief systems and values. As children learn about different ideas and behaviors from their peers, they bring them home, providing parents with an opportunity to help their child understand them. School-aged children are even more exposed to ideas from the media and need adult help sorting out those mixed messages. At this juncture, parental input is extremely important.”
But leaving the paper trails and commuting hassles of employment for a position as head honcho at home is not all milk and homemade cookies. Though all families experience adjustment periods in their parenting years, people leaving a conventional 9-to-5 job after years of balancing demands of children and career have unique obstacles to overcome.
Not only do these parents go through a job and lifestyle change, but they often do not get the social understanding, support and resources that at-home parents of newborns receive.
A tough transition
Mary Lourich, mother of Timothy, 7, and Veronica, 5, explained that several people commented on how she has “done it backward,” having worked while her children were infants and then choosing to leave her job of nine years once her oldest entered 1st grade. And that was just the first challenge.
“It’s a matter of adjusting,” said Lourich, who admitted the transition from administrative assistant for the Medical College of Wisconsin to homemaker involved hard work in the areas of finding new friends, handling finances and managing her new free time.
“I thought I’d have all the time in the world to get things done, and I haven’t gotten half the things done I thought I would,” Lourich said.
For families previously secure and comfortable with two incomes, downsizing to one can be scary and increase tensions at home.
“We have to watch our day-to-day spending,” said Lourich, who anticipated that the decrease in money would be one of her and husband Paul’s biggest adjustments. And though the Lourichs may now depend solely on Paul’s income as an architect, Mary added that she is able to pay more attention and control where their money goes since she left work.
“Basically my income was paying for day care with a little extra on the side. In a sense, we were really living on one income already. Now that I’m home, I can shop the sales, I can compare prices. I’m more conscious about using what we have in the fridge instead of throwing leftovers away.”
Taken for granted
Isolation, motivation and self-esteem issues also present big challenges for a parent coming from a traditional work environment and ending up alone in an empty house during the day.
Without the companionship, support and positive strokes from co-workers, at-home parents can feel discouraged and taken for granted.
“I am so used to being goal oriented that I have made everything a project. The most difficult challenge is that my achievements go unrecognized and sometimes unappreciated. I used to get reviews, raises and recognition at work,” said Karen Jenkins, who left her job as a human-resources manager after 12 years to manage school, sports and sons Patrick, 9, and Casey, 12.
“Parents may have to remind themselves how they are contributing to society by being with their children,” said Hattery, adding that parents are valuable resources for their children and not easily replaced. “Often this is less obvious than the good things they were doing at their job.”
So like any change in career, there is a learning curve, a training period and challenges to conquer. And, like any job, there are perks, bonuses and benefits. Big benefits.
Since she has been home, Jenkins has been able to see the effects on her oldest son, who despite a slight learning disability missed the high honor roll by only one point this year with her help. And Jenkins, whose husband, Cody, is a vice president for a telecommunications company, feels that she has grown personally. Having shed a stagnant work environment and now with time to become involved with her church and school, she said she has discovered unique skills and talents in many other circles.
“I’ve been able to establish myself in many different `communities’ since I have stopped working. I feel that I am more well rounded as a result,” Jenkins said.
Reaping the rewards
Jim Paglia left a soaring career in downtown Chicago to be closer to home and kids Tate, 7, and Kailey, 10.
“I don’t believe I’d have the time to focus on my children’s lives as much if I’d stayed in my own agency business,” said Paglia, who started a one-man consulting firm as his two kids approached school age. “Although there have been significant adjustments in my life to accommodate this career change, I believe the rewards far outweigh the costs,” said Paglia, who said he also left a big salary and high profile but was losing 20 hours a week in the commute from his Aurora home.
His wife, Sandy, took a leave of absence from her job as a flight attendant with American Airlines to care full time for the children initially, and was able to return part time due to her husband’s job change and involvement at home.
“When we talked about having children, we always planned on it being a joint effort,” said Sandy Paglia. “But I think it was a surprise to both of us how much he enjoyed being so involved.”
Jim Paglia said the biggest benefit since his career change is the intimate time he has to spend with his kids and the opportunities he now has to become involved in school activities.
“The kids and I recently entered a talent contest in school where we imitated Blue Man Group. We spent a few nights prior to the event designing and assembling PVC instruments, which we played on stage along with a recording of the group’s music,” said the proud father, who will finish his two-year term as president of the PTA at his children’s school this month. “People ask me what business I’m in and I say my first job is being the best dad I can be . . . everything else comes second.”
Options for parents who can’t quit working
When the results of a long-term study of child care in the United States were made public last month, its findings likely had many working parents reconsidering their options.
The research, financed by the National Institute on Child Health and Human Development, a branch of the National Institutes of Health, found that children who spend more than 30 hours a week in child care are more demanding, more non-compliant and more aggressive than children who are primarily cared for by their mothers.
But dropping out of the workforce isn’t an option for many parents. Denise Faith, a former working mother of four and a professional day-care provider for seven years, offers some options for parents who would like to shorten the amount of time their children spend in day care. Her book “Sharing the Caring: Day Care Made Better” is scheduled for publication next year.
Some of Faith’s options are fairly straightforward; others require a cooperative employer.
– Find day care nearer the office than home and make the drive to day care and back part of time spent with your child. Sing, talk and tell stories. You will then have more input on their language development and eventually learn more by talking with them and feel a more active participant in your child’s day.
– Shift schedules with your partner to decrease the number of hours your child spends in day care. One parent can start work later than usual to drop off their child later in the morning at day care, while the other can start work earlier and pick up their child earlier at the end of the day. This type of scheduling can shorten a child’s day by a couple of hours. There are many other ways of shifting schedules to reduce day-care hours, including split shifts or working six shorter days to alternate time with your partner.
– Take consecutive leaves of absence or maternity/paternity leaves (each parent takes one leave) so infants no longer begin day care at 2 months of age.
– Relocate the office to home at least one day a week. The workday at home may be longer in order to get the work completed, but it will be broken up with playtime with the child.
– Establish a more flexible schedule or shift hours of the workday, so more time can be spent with the children.
Faith said that one of the best options for a parent who must work is on-site day care, because this allows the parent to check in, continue breast-feeding, eat lunch with his or her child or take a short break to play.
“While shortening the amount of time our children spend in day care might improve their behavior, developing better relationships with day-care providers will improve their day,” Faith said.
Advice on making the switch
The following are resources for working parents interested in becoming an at-home mom or dad.
– “Staying Home: From Full-Time Professional to Full-Time Parent,” by Darcie Sanders and Martha M. Bullen (Spencer & Waters, $14.95). Now in its eighth printing, this volume is a classic guide for mothers contemplating a change in career to stay-at-home parent and comes complete with a new job description and career path for mothers choosing a full-time position at home.
– “Tales from the Homefront,” by Martha M. Bullen, Eileen Millard and Kim Loretucci (Spencer & Waters, $12.95). How will your life change when you decide to leave your career for an executive position at home? This book answers the question, with more than 110 motivating stories as well as exclusive interviews with Penelope Leach, Anna Quindlen and David Elkind.
– “When Work Doesn’t Work Anymore: Women, Work and Identity,” by Elizabeth Perle McKenna (Delta, $12.95). The author uses her own testimony, along with more than 200 empathetic interviewees, including Gloria Steinem, to advocate voluntary downsizing and life-simplifying decisions. This book exposes the structure of the traditional workplace and encourages women to redefine the meaning of personal success.
