Just about two weeks ago, Cheryl Ann Banks lay in a hospital bed, a fetal monitor strapped around her belly, as she listened to her unborn baby’s heartbeat.
Her mother stood beside her, offering snippets of wisdom.
Banks’ husband placed hot towels on her back.
One birth assistant held Banks’ hand; another held her foot.
Her best friend stood nearby operating a video camera.
Just outside the door, in the hallway, were her sister and brother-in-law. The duo popped in from time to time to monitor the thump-thump, whoosh-whoosh of the baby’s heartbeat.
All waited, through 24 hours of labor, for the cries that signaled the birth of Aspen Banks Walker, 8 pounds, 8 ounces, 21 inches, born Oct. 12 at Illinois Masonic Hospital in Chicago.
In that moment, feelings came easily. Banks said she screamed with joy. Jessie Walker, her husband, stared, speechless, in astonishment. Best buddy and camera chronicler Kimberly Aubuchon sobbed. New grandmom Linda Laurie proclaimed “a miracle.” The two birth assistants–professionals hired by Banks to help her through delivery–smiled and soaked it all in. And sister Carrie Banks and her husband, Joey, proclaimed: “Wow.”
“It was so, so amazing to have all their support,” said new mom Banks, a 28-year-old nutritional-products buyer for Whole Foods in Chicago. “I couldn’t have done it without any one of them. I’m so excited for Aspen to know as she grows up that they were all there.”
Indeed, these days, birth has become a guest-list affair. The reality is that new parents such as Banks and Walker are packing more pizazz into the big moment by adding a new spin: making birth an occasion for personal invites into the delivery room. Invitees can include everyone from sisters, brothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles to friends and co-workers. The ultimate goal in these births is for the family members and friends to strengthen the support already being offered by the medical professionals, including nurses and the attending doctor.
Many birth attendees, like Oak Park residents Tim and Lynda Benson, are being asked to be on call for the birth of their sibling’s children.
Last spring, Lynda, the second-oldest of nine children, and her husband, Tim, got a call in the middle of the night to high-tail it to the hospital for the birth of Lynda’s youngest sister’s baby.
“It was an amazing thing to experience. We feel honored to be included,” Lynda said.
Most of Lynda’s family still lives on the East Coast, where Lynda and her siblings were all raised. Lynda and her sister Jennifer and their husbands–and now the new baby–have formed their own enclave in the Chicago area. Other relatives came later in the summer for the baptism and birth celebration.
Lynda says the birth of Jennifer’s baby was especially moving because Lynda was in her teens when her youngest sister was born, and “I was almost like her mother in some ways. I can remember when Jennifer came home from the hospital.”
Room for many
It wasn’t all that long ago that childbirth conjured up visions of a mom and dad diligently struggling to remember the breathing patterns professed at Lamaze class.
For the pre-Lamaze generation, Mom panted alone while Dad paced in the waiting room. Today, childbirth has become a company-friendly experience, an opportunity for siblings, grandparents and friends to be part of the special moment. To meet that demand, hospitals increasingly are opening up their labor rooms for this group experience.
“Parents want to make the birth the `ultimate’ experience,” said Ann Douglas, a mother of four and author of “The Unofficial Guide to Having a Baby” (MacMillan, $15.95) and “The Mother of All Pregnancy Books” (MacMillan, $24.99).
“We are a generation that wants to plan everything so deliberately, to make it perfect,” she said. “Childbirth has become paramount as one of those experiences that have to be done just right. It’s topped all the planning that goes into the wedding.”
Asking for help
A participant and keen observer of what it’s like to have a baby these days, Douglas said that underscoring this all-inclusive trend of friends and family in the birth room is the simple fact that moms “now know that they can ask for the help and support that they really need. This gives them a chance to cry out for support.
“Women used to have to suffer alone,” Douglas said. “Now it is OK to say, `Hey, I am really scared and need support.’ So they call in the troops.”
Best part, she said: “It takes a lot of pressure off the dads.”
Dr. John Barton, obstetric/gynecology chairman at Advocate Illinois Masonic Medical Center, said that the obstetrics department is constantly evolving to meet the needs of its patients. Doctors have discovered that whatever helps support the mother during the birth is usually the best plan of action, and so the hospital has encouraged support from family members and friends as well as the use of birthing assistants during the childbirth process.
“We like to give patients options in their care, by providing a family-focused center of care,” Barton said.
Easing Dad’s burden
Certainly parents are becoming much more savvy about the resources they need to make childbirth a “less excruciating experience, to make it a blessed, natural event,” said Cindy Hartwig, director of women’s services at Northwest Community Hospital in Arlington Heights.
“In the past, the dad was about 100 percent responsible for making everything OK,” Hartwig said. “This whole idea of having birth helpers and others is because women have realized they need an advocate in there, that maybe the husband is not the best person because he is so personally involved.
“This takes away a lot of the fear. Women have realized that it might in fact be their sister who is the best person to help them and give support. And hospitals are creating an environment to make this happen.”
Hartwig speaks from experience. Recently she honored the wishes of her own mother-in-law, a woman who has 11 children but said she “never experienced a birth, because she was so drugged up and knocked out during that of her own children.”
Eager to share
So Hartwig used her professional connections to arrange for her mother-in-law to visit Northwest Community Hospital and witness what goes on inside a delivery room.
“She was thrilled,” Hartwig said. “Here’s a women who has given birth 11 times but has never really seen a birth.”
Experts agree that the trend to pack the delivery room stems in large part from an eagerness to share in the special event. Many agree that witnessing a birth can be a life-changing experience.
Kiersten Tomchik was invited by her sister and her sister’s husband to witness the birth of their third baby, Caroline, on Feb. 15 at Mayo Clinic.
“I felt very privileged to be asked to be a part of this sacred, rather intimate moment I thought they as a couple would want to share alone,” she said. “They even let me hold the baby first.”
Plan the guest list carefully
Ann Douglas, who can be reached at www.having-a-baby.com, offers this advice to parents contemplating invitations to the birth experience:
– Don’t let any relatives or friends influence your decision, especially if you do not have a healthy relationship with these people to start with. Difficult relatives can end up becoming harmful to the birth because they can create tension and stress in the delivery room. You have to learn when to say “no.”
– Review the hospital policy on who is allowed in the delivery room. This varies from institution to institution. Some hospitals don’t allow children under age 5 in delivery rooms.
– Think carefully about how your children would be affected by the experience. It can be very scary to see one’s mother in pain, and some children just can’t handle it. And consider the timing; you may want to keep the decision flexible. For example, how realistic is it to drag a child out of bed at 3 a.m. and expect that child to behave and be attentive during the birth?
– Make sure that you select support people with whom you feel comfortable.
— Mary Beth Sammons
