The road to children who behave like hellions is paved by parents with good intentions.
These parents, confusing self-esteem with excess and undeserved praise, teach their child to love herself or himself too much, a chorus of parenting experts says.
“It has become psychologically incorrect for a parent to say to a child, ‘This is not acceptable,’ ” said family psychologist John Rosemond.
“Much of the psychological correctness of the last 30 years has been composed of nothing but myth. In the raising of children, traditional values must be emphasized. Values like humility and modesty. Fifty years ago, if a child did something to draw attention in public, he was reprimanded. It was seen as disrespectful of other people.”
Rosemond, parent of three, columnist and author of several parenting books, has stirred controversy with his proclamations on toilet training (by age 2), TV (eliminate it 100 percent) and misbehavior (punish even slight infractions). He blames many socials ills on excessive praise by parents and educators and sees no difference between high self-esteem and narcissism, or excessive self-love.
In fact, he said, “Many adults today believe that, unless you praise a child a lot, that child will not believe he is loved. I have no problem with occasional, casual praise. I am convinced that, if you truly love a child, the child will know you love him regardless of the quantity of praise you heap on him.”
The problem, Rosemond said, comes with praising a lot.
“When this happens, the child gains a distorted sense of how well he or she is doing at any task. By overpraising, you lower the bar of standards. The child then ends up thinking that any level of performance is satisfactory,” he said.
Nathaniel Branden, a Los Angeles psychologist, psychotherapist, author and pioneer of self-esteem research since the 1960s, sharply distinguishes self-esteem from the pathology of narcissism.
Branden defines self-esteem as “the ability to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. Narcissism is one of the forms that wounded self-esteem takes. It becomes a compensatory device to overcome self-doubt.”
He agrees, however, with Rosemond about praising children too much.
“It’s true that overpraising children is dangerous. It might lead either to an inflated view of one’s own capabilities or, equally possible, could lead to feelings of anxiety and inferiority. A child knows when the way he is being described does not reflect reality.”
Branden insists that self-esteem must be reality-based.
“Feeling `good’ is not self-esteem. You might feel good about yourself if you are involved in an exciting love affair or if you are high on drugs. That is not self-esteem. I challenge, in the strongest possible way, the idea that feeling good about yourself is the essence of self-esteem.”
Recent studies by psychology professors Brad J. Bushman of Iowa State University and Roy Baumeister of Case Western Reserve University indicate that people with low self-esteem are generally not aggressive.
Those with grandiose views of themselves, with high self-esteem that borders on narcissism, however, are more aggressive when their egos are threatened.
They feel, Bushman said, “that they are entitled to respect. This sense of entitlement is a key factor related to aggressive behavior.”
Better than others
Narcissists, Bushman added, “have several components that distinguish them from others. One is a sense of entitlement–that they deserve respect and admiration. There’s a big difference between thinking you are as good as everyone and thinking you are better than everyone.”
It is important to remember, Bushman said, “that people with high self-esteem didn’t respond differently than others [in the study]. The correlation between self-esteem and aggression is low. Narcissists aren’t more aggressive if you don’t threaten their ego.”
Problems begin, Bushman explained, when narcissists “get feedback saying they’re not so great. If someone tells them they’re not so great, they become defensive, angry and aggressive.”
Bushman also warns against excessively praising children.
“Unnecessary praise could create this sense of entitlement. A large banner above a mirror in a girl’s bathroom in an Alabama elementary school reads: `You are now looking at one of the most special people in the whole wide world.’ This and giving students good grades regardless of performance could create a sense of entitlement.
“Some people have it all backward. They think if you boost someone’s self-esteem, that person will act appropriately or that good behavior will follow.
“But it should be this: If you behave in an appropriate way, you should feel good about yourself. Self-esteem should follow good performance, not precede it,” Bushman said.
Too much of a good thing
Heaping praise on children is not what they need, said Janis Keyser, mother of three, teacher and parent educator who specializes in child development. Keyser, who lives in Santa Cruz, Calif., recently co-authored “Becoming the Parent You Want to Be: A Sourcebook of Strategies for the First Five Years.”
“We’ve thought of self-esteem building as praise. Like, `You’re so pretty. You’re so good.’ But that can backfire. What is useful to children is attention, focus and observation.”
Praise that implies judgment, Keyser said, is confusing to kids.
“What helps kids is someone clearly observing them and describing what they see. Use descriptive words rather than evaluative words. Rather than saying, `You’re such a good slider,’ you might say, `I saw you climb all the way up that slide and come down head first.’
“Praise takes the child’s focus off their internal sense of accomplishment. It speaks more about the person who’s speaking more than the person it’s directed to.”
There’s a misconception in parenting and teaching that we need to create a child’s self-esteem, Keyser said.
Not in charge
“We can help create experiences and opportunities to develop their confidence, but we’re not in charge of developing their self-esteem. Parents and educators do that by observing a child and finding out the child’s interests. They then create ways for the child to pursue those interests.”
Keyser said that the most important way to boost your child’s confidence and self-esteem is to honor your child’s feelings.
“One of the hardest things for a child to understand is his or her range of feelings. Parents are often uncomfortable with feelings. For example, parents might distract children when they cry. This gives the child the message that, `Part of me isn’t OK.'”
Cheryl Johnson-Odim is the mother of 33- and 25-year-old sons and a 14-year-old daughter and is dean of liberal arts and sciences and a professor at Columbia College in Chicago. She learned that boosting her children’s self-esteem meant “not confusing their self-esteem with mine. As parents, we’re all wrapped up with how well our children do or don’t do and how that affects what others think about us as parents.”
Johnson-Odim pointed out that there’s a difference between accomplishing your own goals and living vicariously through your children.
Choosing their own path
“Both of my sons are successful. My older son is a lawyer [Harvard trained], and my younger son is an artist [currently exhibiting at the Museum of Contemporary Art]. My older son went the academic route, my younger son the artistic route. So I had to take notice of what they wanted to do and not what I wanted them to do. We help build our children’s self-esteem when we respect the paths they choose,” Johnson-Odim said.
Once you and your child identify interests, it’s important to praise your child accordingly. Diane Rosenbaum, a clinical psychologist in Chicago, said excessive praise and praise that isn’t genuine–even to the point of praising for mediocre or poor performance–may undermine a child’s drive for achievement and may put children at risk for expecting similar and perhaps unrealistic affirmation throughout their lives.
“They don’t get a realistic appreciation of their strengths and weaknesses. When that happens, they can’t accept that they are weak in one area but stronger in another. They may have difficulty accepting and integrating those parts of themselves without feeling that they have failed,” she said.
“Everyone gets frustrated and disappointed. No one is good at everything. Sometimes we’re very poor at something. But we have to learn to deal with our disappointments and frustrations. We don’t have to be stars to feel good about ourselves,” Rosenbaum said.
Poor preparation
If a child does not have a realistic appraisal of her strengths and weaknesses, has always received accolades and has never faced disappointment, she may be poorly prepared to handle disappointment, rejection and failure, Rosenbaum said, adding that part of a parent’s job is to help kids learn to cope with disappointment.
Nicole Chakalis of Chicago, a writer and a student, steered clear of excessively praising her three children. Chakalis’ 30-year old daughter is a lawyer, her 21-year old daughter is currently in pharmacy school and her 25-year-old son is a Blue Island police officer. They have achieved, she feels, in part because she offered accurate and honest praise.
“I didn’t want to destroy my credibility as a parent by heaping on false praise. If you praise everything they do, then when are they going to take you seriously? They’ll stop hearing you and stop believing you. Continuous praise causes an inflated sense of self-esteem. Then the world seems incredibly harsh when they find out they’re not No. 1.”
She also encouraged her children to persevere–even if they weren’t successful.
“My youngest daughter loved to dance, but she wasn’t really great. But she ended up getting involved in drama and acting. I don’t think she would have made that leap into theater if she hadn’t stayed in dance.”
A sense of self
Learning about strengths and weaknesses is all part of the maturation process. John Lavigne, a psychologist at Chicago’s Children’s Memorial Hospital, said, “By the time a child enters school, that child has a pretty sophisticated feel of himself–that he is good at some things and not so good at others. Much of what we begin to understand about ourselves is based on observing our own behavior.”
A positive self-concept, Lavigne said, is important because it influences self-efficacy. Self-efficacy, or a sense of what we believe we can accomplish, was coined by psychologist Albert Bandura in 1986. According to Bandura, self-efficacy influences the choices we make, the effort we put forth, how long we persist when we confront obstacles (and failure) and how we feel.
The best way to improve a child’s self-concept is to help a child succeed at a specific task.
“If a child’s self-concept is low as a student,” Lavigne said, “get down to the business of finding out how to help that child read better. Develop a plan. Get a reading tutor, for example. As a result of that plan, you’ll have more success and improve the child’s sense of self-worth.”
Educators know that what happens in the learning process is one element in fostering a positive self-concept. Greeting visitors at Chicago Public Schools’ LaSalle Language Academy on the Near North Side is a glass case displaying colorful artwork, medals dangling off red, white and blue ribbons, impressive trophies and poems.
Achievement is key
LaSalle principal Amy Weiss Narea said, “What any school can do to boost a child’s self-esteem is help that child achieve. The children set goals for themselves, and as educators, we help them achieve those goals. We give our students a lot of opportunities to do things well.”
Some private schools deal with students’ self-concept less formally.
Jacqueline Bergen, executive director of Near North Montessori in Chicago’s West Town neighborhood, believes a child’s positive self-concept emerges out of his or her ability to accept limits and assume responsibility.
“Children need to know parents and teachers are in charge. That they can challenge as well as listen to authority but, ultimately, they have to abide to a certain structure. Telling a child `No’ does not damage their self-concept. A child who is rescued from struggle by their parents or teachers never develops problem-solving skills that lead to a sense of competence,” Bergen said.
Promoting competence
Galeta Kaar Clayton, headmistress of Chicago City Day School on Chicago’s North Side, said that instilling a sense of competence is a job that must be shared by educators and parents.
“There are only so many hours in the school day. We could spend an awful lot of time talking about self-concept rather than giving children opportunities to achieve,” Clayton said. “Education can give children all kinds of opportunities to boost their confidence through hard work and achievement. But children need to play an important role in their family.
“They need to live with people they love and who love them, people who have realistic expectations of them. That’s what boosts a child’s self-esteem.”
Rosemond also brings the responsibility back to parents and their expectations: “If a child does not get accurate feedback, if she only gets positive feedback, she can never improve in an area of performance. You have to get negative feedback–honest and straightforward–to improve.”
