It has been a tough year for the world’s major religions. The Roman Catholic Church has been rocked by sex scandals. Islam has been hijacked by fundamentalist extremists. The Jewish faith is under attack in Israel and Hindus are at odds with Muslims and Sikhs. Even Buddhists are feeling the heat.
In the interests of providing some theological relief, I’m inviting one and all to join the Modern Church of Latter Day Daves. Although originally formed as a low-maintenance faith for Daves of limited ambition, I figure it’s time to open this religion to every-body.
With no elaborate rituals and no messy history, we Latter Day Daves try to take the work out of religion. You don’t need a credo. You don’t need a prayer book. Why, you don’t even need to believe in God.
We have no leader, no hierarchy and no complicated rules. It’s a no pressure faith. And, apart from NFL football, we have no Sunday services.
All we ask is that you follow our basic 10 commandments:
1) Rotate your tires.
2) Maintain your barbecue.
3) Buy the biggest TV set you can afford.
4) Always have a spare remote control or at least some extra batteries.
5) Don’t attempt electrical repairs.
6) Don’t attempt plumbing repairs.
7) Hire someone to do your snow removal.
8) Do not change the oil in your car. Let someone else do it.
9) Dandelions are sacred. Do not remove them from your lawn.
10) Our sacrament is wine but beer is OK, too.
But don’t worry. If you break the odd commandment, no one’s going to care. They’re really more like guidelines.
Now you’re probably saying to yourself: “How do I join this great religion?”
Well, all you have to do is grab a beer from the fridge, lie down on the sofa, turn on the TV and say three times: “It’s great to be Dave. It’s great to be Dave. It’s great to be Dave.”
Welcome aboard.
David Martin is conducting a membership drive in Ottawa.
