Dear Eric: As I am getting older (mid-60s), appointments occasionally slip my mind and I am not very disciplined about writing them on my calendar. Luckily, medical appointments come with email or phone reminders.
However, my hairstylist does not do reminder calls (and I don’t expect her to).
I have missed several appointments in the past year and just realized I missed another one recently. For the previous ones I tipped her double, offered to pay for the missed appointment or brought her coffee and a donut.
But now I am so embarrassed that it happened again and I’m not sure what to do. Should I call to make another appointment or just slink away to another salon? Should I pay for the missed appointment even if she says it’s no big deal? Send her an email acknowledging my error and leave it up to her to call me and reschedule or “fire” me from her services?
– Foiled Again
Dear Foiled: Don’t give up on this relationship just yet. Paying for the time you reserved is a good start. Even if she was able to slot another client in, it’s still a good faith gesture that acknowledges you understand the economics of her business model and don’t take her for granted.
When scheduling again, you can also be up front about the memory issues you’re experiencing and propose a new way of working together that can help you keep track of the appointments. For instance, you could ask her, “if you remember, when I schedule, could you remind me to put it in my calendar?” Or you could see about the possibility of booking a series of appointments and writing them all down at the same time.
Though you feel embarrassed, try not to beat yourself up too much. Yes, it’s inconvenient for her (and for you). But it’s not completely within your control. On your own, consider making adjustments to your habits that will help you better keep track of important events. Talk to your doctor about the memory slips and ask for guidance on how to remedy or cope with them. It might also be helpful to write a note next to the hair appointment that reads, “remember to write down the next appointment before you leave.” Little accommodations can go a long way.
Dear Eric: I have four sons who are all married; some have children. The oldest son has two adult children, one of whom is engaged. When we have a family dinner or celebration and all are here, the oldest son’s wife and her daughter and her daughter’s fiancé always sit at the end of the table together. They talk amongst themselves and rarely join in with the rest of the conversations with everyone else.
After everyone has finished dinner and left the dining room, those three remain at the table talking sometimes and don’t come and join the rest of us. When they do leave the table, they usually come into the family room but sit on the sofa together and continue their conversations there or look on their phones.
I think this is very rude. The mother isn’t setting a good example for her daughter, and I’m concerned she’s not teaching her how to be sociable.
I’m not sure how to handle this. Is there something I could or should say or do or just leave it be?
– Family Dinner
Dear Family: If I’m reading this correctly, we’re talking about your daughter-in-law, granddaughter and the granddaughter’s fiancé. Forgive me if the family uses other terminology or has other relationships that I’m not seeing here. A generous interpretation suggests that maybe they really enjoy each other’s company and see the family dinners as a time to catch up, or the fiancé doesn’t have as strong a connection to the rest of the family and your daughter-in-law and granddaughter are helping acclimate. I have no way of knowing for sure.
If you want them to be a part of the conversation, start with an invitation. You can say something like “I’ve noticed you don’t talk very much to the whole group. I want to make sure you’re comfortable joining in if you want. Is there something I can do to help?”
The response might be, “Oh, I’m more of a one-on-one conversation person.” That’s OK. Group conversation can be a lot for many people, and everyone’s social batteries have different capacities.
Gatherings work better when responsive to the needs and specifics of the people gathered. That doesn’t mean that you can’t ask them a direct question if you want to know about them or invite their opinion or participation. But try not to do this as a response to perceived rudeness. Instead, root it in a desire to know your family better.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
