Major League Baseball’s All-Stars will be ready to play ball Tuesday night. But, really, how much difference will it make in your life come Wednesday morning?
Here at Health & Family, we wanted to offer an all-star treat with a little more staying power. So when the all-stars of family psychology made a road trip to Northwestern University recently at the invitation of NU’s Family Institute President Bill Pinsof (a noted psychologist himself), we made sure we had a front-row seat as the deans of that particular playing field briefed their colleagues on their latest research.
You probably haven’t heard of these all-stars (they’re from the American Psychological Association’s Division 43–try sewing that on a jersey), but that’s because there isn’t a “Mars & Venus” celebrity in the bunch; these are serious researchers with a terrific batting average when it comes to helping families.
Their accomplishments are too big for a baseball card, but here are a few highlights: John Gottman has translated his marital research for academics and laypeople alike with books such as “The Relationship Cure.” His Family Research Laboratory at the University of Washington is an apartment wired for sound and video that analyzes couples’ and families’ interactions. (With 90 percent accuracy, he can predict whether a couple will divorce.)
Gottman’s peers are equally dedicated to helping families succeed. Andrew Christensen, for instance, wrote a book called “Reconcilable Differences.” Howard Markman and his associates developed a premarital training course called PREP (Prevention & Relationship Enhancement Program) that’s used extensively by the armed forces.
Markman’s also an avid baseball fan who peppers his seminars and PowerPoint presentations with baseball metaphors and slides of his beloved Coors Field in Denver. He recommends a trip to the ballpark for couples because of the relaxed atmosphere and the time to talk.
“I’m a big baseball fan so I can say this–baseball is boring,” he said. “You have tons of time to talk and interact with each other, and you’re not going to get people upset at you for being too noisy like they would at a play or a movie.”
Markman tells guys to “step up to the plate” and “keep your eye on the ball” in their relationships. At the Northwestern conference, the banter was not as easy to understand because psychologists have their own lingo just like baseball players have theirs–the air was thick with words like “models,” “systems,” “dyads” and “processes.”
That’s understandable because the results of the conference–“Family Psychology: The Art of the Science”–will be published as a book in a year or two by Oxford University Press, which co-sponsored the gathering with NU, the Family Institute and the psychological association.
So afterward, we asked the Division 43 all-stars to simplify their terminology and share with us three pieces of advice that are easier to follow than a curveball.
The score.
HITS: What’s one thing you do to build relationships in your own family?
ERRORS: What’s one mistake you’ve made in your own family relationships?
SCOUTING REPORT: In your work and research, what have you found to be one key for building healthy relationships and families?
What follows is the scorecard of their advice. They don’t have uniforms, so we identify them by name, team (school) and specialty or credentials. Batter up!
Hits
Steve Beach, University of Georgia, depression and families: One specific practical thing I have been doing is hugging my spouse and my children more. The basic research suggests it is important in all kinds of ways we might not have thought about before.
Margaret Crosbie-Burnett (right), University of Miami, non-traditional families: I tell them how much I appreciate them and am specific and concrete about mentioning particular behaviors that they have done.
Michele Harway, Phillips Graduate Institute, Encino, Calif., partner violence: The first thing I do when I walk in the door is change my clothes. That physical transformation is symbolic. I take off my professional accouterments and put on my family person, where I’m dealing with dogs, kids and gardens.
Amy Holtzworth-Munroe, Indiana University, partner violence: I think that my work has taught me the importance of making time to spend with my spouse and my children. I have arranged my work schedule so that I can almost always be home with the kids after school–I come to work early in the morning and leave around 3 p.m. each day. To make more time, we also do not watch TV. We stopped paying for cable and, where we live, that means that we have no TV reception. What we do instead is take the dog for walks, play board and card games, read to the kids, do holiday-related projects, swim, get together with other families.
Howard Markman, University of Denver, marriage and relationships: The most important thing I remind myself on a daily basis is: How am I doing in letting my family know that I love them? One of the most destructive things I see in marital conflicts is when women feel their husbands don’t care about them. So I like to tell men–and myself–that you need to step up to the plate and let your wife and kids know that you’re there for them. I make every effort to let my loved ones know I love them and care for them in ways that are meaningful to them.
Errors
Bill Pinsof, president, Family Institute, Northwestern University: A friend told me that I took my wife for granted. My wife had said that to me over the years and it never really penetrated, but when my friend said it, I could hear it. It became an issue of: Were my needs somehow more important than hers or the family’s? And, frequently, my needs were work-related. It was a big wake-up call, and I made a commitment to stop doing it. I think it helped our marriage enormously. I think my wife felt much more supported, heard, acknowledged and happier. We played out the string of “marriage my way” We’d gotten to a low point in our marriage after 20-some years, and this was the beginning for me of a turnaround.
John Gottman, University of Washington, marriage and relationships: I used to think that all I had to do when bringing up an issue was to express my feelings clearly. So when I felt that my wife was so busy that I was being neglected, I used to say something like, “Julie, everyone comes before me, you are so emotionally unavailable to me.
What is wrong with you?” I found that she didn’t want to spend more time with me when I said that.
So, one day, after having studied the “masters” of marriage, I learned the principle of “softened start-up.” I said, “Julie, I have been getting that same lonely feeling lately. I just miss you. I need more of you in my day. Do you remember last Sunday when we cuddled on the couch and just talked? That was so nice, how can we do that again?”
And she said, “How about now?” So we practice the principle of softened start-up whenever we can.
Arthur Bodin, Mental Research Institute, Palo Alto, Calif., past president, APA family psychology division: Not every little thing has to be completely talked out; some things can be allowed to just pass. In the early years of our marriage, if we would get angry with each other, my wife would go into the bedroom and close the door and I would try to come in and talk the thing out. She would become more upset and say, “Just leave me alone for 20 minutes.”
I think it took about 10 years of marriage (married 40 years now) before I found to my astonishment that she would come out and, after a while, she would start talking about some article she had read as if nothing had happened. I’d say, “Wait, what about our fight?” And we’d be off and running again. She was in essence saying, “I’m ready to relate,” and I would screw it up.
Deborah Capaldi, Oregon Social Learning Center, adolescent and young adult development: I would allow my children to suck me into too many circular and seemingly endless verbal arguments about things. I would feel that reasoning with them was a good thing but saw later that this was going nowhere and merely resulted in my son escalating. After that, I started sending him to his room and ending the discussion. That worked much better. I see many parents–especially educated, highly verbal people–getting stuck in this, and think we need to realize that talk cannot fix everything. Talk can be dangerous when we are angry as we are likely to say something hurtful that will be remembered and damages the relationship. It is much better to stop and talk about the problem later if necessary.
David Scott Hargrove, University of Mississippi, president-elect of APA’s Family Psychology board: The single most consistent mistake that I have made is not saying what I want but always yielding to what someone else wants and then getting mad when I don’t get what I need.
Many of us are brought up to not appear selfish, and asking for what you want or saying what you think sometimes is thought to be self-centered. So I would always defer, then either get hurt or mad about it. I have tried to figure out what I think or what I want and be clear about it with family or friends or co-workers so we can deal with real issues instead of the hurt feelings based on whatever it was that I expected.
Patrick Tolan, director, Institute for Juvenile Research, the University of Illinois at Chicago: I underestimated the extent to which parenting is something that needs to be embedded in social support. What I mean by this is that adequate and better parenting these days requires opportunity for advice, voicing frustrations, respite and interaction with others trying to do the same thing.
I think I was presumptuous about how my training would translate to parenting competency. When I started talking more with other fathers about this and sharing with other parents in our neighborhood, I learned a lot I had not understood and also found they were glad for the support as well.
Valerie Whiffen, University of Ottawa, depression and families: My son told me that sometimes when I get mad at him he gets mad back because I’m forgetting that he’s just a kid or just a person who makes mistakes. This is an ongoing battle at our house because our son constantly misplaces his things. But he reminded me that he only loses sweatshirts and baseball caps, while I lose expensive stuff like my husband’s camera when we were on sabbatical in Australia last year! He’s right.
The times that things go wrong between us are the times that I lose empathy for him as a kid or just as an imperfect human being. I think the same can be said for my relationship with my husband.
Scouting report
Sue Johnson, University of Ottawa, marriage and relationships: My work constantly reminds me how pivotal our love relationships are, how precious they are and, very specifically, reminds me that it’s OK to depend on my love–to ask for comfort, to ask to be held, to reach. Society tells us to “grow up”–and in many contexts in my life it’s important to be tough and independent–but with my partner, I need to be “home,” safe, able to be vulnerable.
Andrew Christensen (upper right), UCLA, marriage and relationships: I have learned from my research and therapy how important it is to listen to another family member. With my spouse and my children, I try to listen better. That is, I try to listen without judgment and quell a desire to solve whatever problem they have.
Robert Weiss, University of Oregon, marriage and relationships: Couples have to realize that there can be random noise in their relationships, that a “bad” experience does not predict lifelong disaster, and not every upset is life-threatening and thus requires a full-blown military defense.
There are blips on the marital radar screen that, although annoying and seemingly “unfair,” are, nonetheless, blips. Andy Christensen coined the phrase “united detachment,” and it reflects my view that when the landlord raises the rent, that is not the occasion to fight with one another: The landlord is the culprit, not the spouses!
Jay Lebow, Family Institute of Northwestern University, divorce and custody issues: The unhappy families I work with often don’t communicate, and they become bogged down in criticism and withdrawal. They fail to come anywhere near the 8-to-1 ratio of positive to negative exchanges that has been identified by family researchers as typical of “happy” families. They don’t show mutual acceptance.
I am often struck how loving families find very different caring and connected ways for dealing with the difficulties in life.
Joan Patterson, University of Minnesota, children and families with chronic illness: I have studied families who have children with chronic health conditions and have learned from them that the way you look at a situation makes all the difference in how you cope with it. Many times we focus on what’s missing or what’s wrong. Start to look at what’s positive; it’s just a healthier way to live.
Terry Patterson, University of San Francisco, past president, APA Family Psychology division: First, pay attention. Look around and ask yourself: How are members of this family doing, and how are we doing as a family?
Who is having a difficult time and needs attention, or who is doing especially well and deserves credit? Do we do anything together regularly that we all enjoy? Could we plan something?
The critical part is to take action on a regular basis and not to give up.
