Did you all take a bunch of silly pills or what? When we asked readers to conjure up creative names for pharmaceuticals, the request caused an outbreak of goofiness. We’re not doctors–we don’t even play them on TV–but we’re convinced this list could be a cure for the wintertime blahs. (We only wish we could show you the ones we’re not allowed to print!) The top three entries win ThermaCare heat wraps.
First place:
Placebodiddley: When you really don’t have the blues.
Ozzycontin: For excessive shakes caused by painful bat bites.
Valiumpire: For bad calls at Cubs games.
Excedrintintin: For nagging headaches caused from chasing parked cars.
Mexlax: Cure for burrito build-up.
Rograin: Guaranteed to regrow cornrows.
–Jeff Hartzheim, Jefferson, La.
Second place:
Ibejivin: For treating compulsive liars.
Notmijobitol: For treating workaholics.
Laterderium: An antidote to Viagra.
Ferrobulerin: Makes a day at work feel like a day off.
Werizitol: Helps people remember where they left things.
–Ralph Bishop, Lake Bluff
Third place:
‘Fro-gaine: Hair replacement treatment for men who want to look like Gabe Kaplan circa the “Welcome Back, Kotter” years.
–Sharon Dynek, Chicago
We’re itching to show you more entries:
Quitcherbellyakinal: Relief for those who have chronic complaint syndrome.
–Cate Brusenbach, Lake Villa
Aleevaheave: For nausea.
Rembrital: For Alzheimer’s.
Sanegan: For schizophrenia.
Urthinagin: A new diet pill.
Ustaythin: Another new diet pill.
Urupagin: For sleepiness or impotence.
Binsadinol: For depression.
–Chuck and Pat Church, Park Ridge
Phillips’ Milk of Amnesia: For memory loss.
Easy Glum, Easy Glow: For manic depression.
–Silverio de la Cruz, Palatine
Innuendo: A new suppository.
–Nick Ferrario, Chicago
Excremints: To reduce the unpleasantness of bowel movements.
–Mike Gresock, Canton, Mich.
Smelltherozac: Treatment for depression.
–Jason Kieronsk, Carol Stream
PeptoDismal: For when you’re feeling just plain sick.
–Hubert McAvinney, Mundelein
Incognitosin: Makes you unrecognizable to others. Possible side effects, may last for years. Right, Elvis?
–Karl Meents, Kankakee
Nickletrol: The affordable 16-hour step-down patch.
Hicotrol: The 16-hour count-down hiccup patch.
Pickotrol: The 16-hour calm-down patch for nagging.
Sickotrol: The 16-hour get-well patch!
–Beverly Niffenegger
TeleBan: To treat CPS (couch potato syndrome).
AwLeave: To treat departure anxiety at airports.
Seat’nall: Weight loss drug.
Bothox: Botox for twins.
Triamedic: General pain reliever for use while trying to find a physician.
–Phil Nuccio, Benton Harbor, Mich.
Whereamiacin: For Alzheimer’s disease.
Whatsnexium: For anxiety
Barfbaginol: For airsickness.
Nobmatol: For constipation.
–Patti Reener, Bloomington, Ill.
Studrin: For guys on the prowl needing confidence and better pickup lines. Rx: Take two tablets one hour before visiting bars and dance clubs (or, for some, family reunions).
Procrastanix: Recommended for couch potatoes and burnouts. Rx: Take daily for motivation.
–Mike and Diane Schule, Hinsdale
Ex-lags: Gets you moving through airport security checkpoints.
SueDaFeds: Relieves government stuffiness and helps the ACLU breathe easier.
–Chad Steenerson, Terre Haute, Ind.Challenge
