Leslie Levine can’t imagine having nothing to say–even to strangers. Send her out for a run at the Chicago Botanic Garden in Glencoe, put her in a line at her Northbrook post office, or seat her on an airplane. Levine strikes up a conversation and creates instant rapport with almost anyone.
On a flight from Rochester, N.Y., to Washington, D.C., several years ago, Levine, author of “Ice Cream for Breakfast: If You Follow All the Rules You Miss Half the Fun” (Contemporary Books, $17.95), became engrossed in a conversation with her seatmate, an engineer.
“I was so nervous about flying, since the flight was bumpy, that I gripped the arm of my seat. He calmed me down and explained why planes stay up in the air,” said Levine. “We talked. I’ll always remember how kind he was.”
Why do some people initiate conversations and share details about jobs, families and personal lives with strangers whom they probably will never talk with or see again?
They do so for many reasons–curiosity, boredom, networking–and sometimes the possibility of striking up a romantic relationship.
Therapist Cheryl Rampage offered a more clinical explanation. “At certain moments in our lives, there’s an opportunity for such connections. We’re usually detached from the momentary demands of our lives, and nobody is there to interrupt us,” said Rampage, vice president for programs and academic affairs at the Family Institute at Northwestern University.
This type of sharing also feels safe. Those connecting have no common history, suspect they will have no future and think the other person will be a good, captive listener who won’t pass judgment on what they say.
“They find such experiences validating, with the possibility that something meaningful will be exchanged, but nothing more. Most who listen usually accept and affirm what the other person says,” Rampage said.
Women are more likely to make these kinds of connections because they’re more relationship oriented, said Lawrence Kogan, a psychotherapist in St. Louis.
“When I play golf and am paired with others, I or another man, will rarely ask each other or a woman personal questions, whereas a woman is apt to ask quickly, `By the way, do you have children?’ or `What type of work do you do?’ Women do so because they think the person may be interesting. Men usually do so only when there’s an attraction they want to pursue,” he said.
Exceptions abound. Scott D. Ginsberg, 22, frequently strikes up conversations for other reasons. He likes the idea of making people feel comfortable right away, and has found he can learn something from almost anyone with whom he converses.
Michael Levin, director of business development and a consultant for trading firm NT Securities in Chicago, also frequently walks up to strangers and starts conversations. He does so to engage in a spirited discussion. Sometimes, these instant intimacies develop into long-lasting friendships. Eileen and Antonio Perez, residents of New York City, regularly keep up with Arlene M. Hartman, 85, whom they met three years ago at a hot dog stand in Ephrata, Pa., in Amish country, near her home. The couple was taking a break from antiquing.
“There was a long line and the people in front were two elderly women. We talked and they invited us to their picnic table,” said Antonio, president of the Borough of Manhattan Community College.
The foursome exchanged names and addresses, and Hartman sent a card a few weeks later. She and the Perezes now exchange letters monthly and have visited several times.
“She’s such a nice person, active and smart,” said Eileen, 54, a real estate agent.
Other times, encounters lead to romantic liaisons. Ana Cano, who works as a public relations consultant in Dallas, met a Chicago policeman on a cruise to Cancun in September.
“I’m friendly and my friends and I met two nice policemen. I spent a tremendous amount of time with one for five days. It seemed close to love, though when we said our goodbyes I thought that was it because of the distances.”
It wasn’t. She heard from him a day later. They saw each other over two consecutive weekends, and then visited briefly last December. During that visit, she knew the spark was gone.
“There wasn’t the same magic on land there was on water,” she said.
With each person heading back to their routines and established connections, there’s often not enough glue to hold together a relationship.
“What you need for enduring links are overlapping factors such as living nearby, having children the same age, or similar interests,” Rampage said. Does this mean that it’s not worth it to start chatting the next time you’re in a long bagel line?
“Of course not,” Levine said. “We’re trying to become a culture that can enjoy the moment, particularly after 9/11. If you can come out of the store with a dozen bagels and an interesting story, then you’ve made a worthwhile connection. All these moments get strung together like a beautiful strand of pearls.
“When a cashier at a Jewel, whom you see regularly … asks, `How are you?’ and you abruptly answer `Fine,’ how do you think that makes that person feel? Not great,” she said. “You don’t have to give forth much, but a bit makes the other person feel better and so will you.”
