Remember when Dave Matthews Band, college football and Gap clothing were cool? Say what? You thought they still were? Oh, that’s so fin.
Say what? You don’t know what “fin” means? Oh, that’s so midtown.
Confused? Fret not. You just need a copy of “The Hipster Handbook” (Anchor Books, $9.95). Written by New Yorker Robert Lanham and scheduled to hit stores on Feb. 18, the handbook is a humorous look at the constant quest to be “deck” (that’s Hipster for cool), the discriminating tastes of the Hipster class and the pitfalls to avoid if you don’t want to be labeled “fin” (that’s Hipster for lame).
As any Polit Hipster who reads Newsweek’s Conventional Wisdom knows (as does any Clubber Hipster who reads Entertainment Weekly’s Shaw Report), people and trends can be all the rage one day and plunge into obscurity the next. So it’s no surprise that a handbook is necessary to sort through the various types of Hipsters and the myriad clothing styles, musical tastes, reading material and social causes they consider cutting edge. Just read it quickly — the advice may be out-of-date by March.
To give you a taste of the handbook’s flavor, not to be confused with “flava” (see Page 74), here’s our hipness test. If you fail miserably, that’s OK. One gets the feeling, reading the book, that it would be fin to take this stuff seriously.
1. A night out with friends includes:
a. A vegetarian dinner at Swank followed by mojitos at Rouge.
b. Steaks at Ruth’s Chris and dancing at Excalibur.
c. Nachos at Chili’s and a Sandra Bullock flick at the South Barrington 30 cineplex.
d. A poetry reading at Square One and late-night coffee at Starbucks.
2. The following best sums up your political leanings:
a. Straight-ticket Republican.
b. Fiscally conservative, but socially liberal.
c. Socially conservative, but fiscally liberal.
d. You have one Republican friend whom you always describe as your “one Republican friend.”
3. You live in:
a. A Lincoln Park loft within walking distance of John Barleycorn.
b. A studio apartment in Wicker Park.
c. A Ravenswood three-flat with zoned parking for Cubs night games.
d. Your parents’ basement.
4. You subscribe to:
a. The New Yorker.
b. Harper’s.
c. Entertainment Weekly.
d. All of the above.
5. Your bookshelf contains works by:
a. John Grisham, Michael Crichton and Tom Clancy.
b. Deepak Chopra, Spencer Johnson and Kenneth C. Davis.
c. Ernest Hemingway, Dave Eggers and Nick Hornby.
d. Jan Karon, Anne Rivers Siddons and Catherine Anderson.
6. You drive a:
a. Ford Excursion.
b. Used Vespa.
c. Volvo station wagon.
d. Honda Accord.
7. “Midtown” is:
a. The name of your tennis club and your bank.
b. The area of Manhattan where the “Today” show is taped.
c. The Hipster term for “uncultured or unhip.”
d. A five-member boy band.
8. You think good ’80s music consists of:
a. Beastie Boys, Sonic Youth and Gang of Four.
b. Culture Club, Duran Duran and Soft Cell.
c. The Cars, Crowded House and The Cure.
d. There’s no such thing as good ’80s music.
9. To you, “bust a moby” means:
a. Listen to an Eminem CD.
b. Finish a lengthy novel.
c. Dance.
d. Beat up a nerdy kid.
10. The following celebrities are deck:
a. Thora Birch and Edward Burns.
b. Reese Witherspoon and Johnny Knoxville.
c. Tyra Banks and The Naked Chef.
d. All of the above.
1. According to the handbook, “a good percentage of Hipsters are vegans and vegetarians. . . . To them, eating meat is suburban.” In addition, Hipsters spend much of their leisure time in “bars and restaurants with monosyllabic names such as Plant, Bound and Shine.” Large clubs, such as Excalibur, are Hipster no-nos, since they tend to “attract girls who wear hair spray and piss off the disc jockey by requesting `Who Let the Dogs Out?'” So the answer is “a.”
You may have been tempted to choose “d” because of the poetry reading, but you would have been wrong. Hipsters never frequent Starbucks, possessing “an innate contempt for franchises, strip malls and the corporate world in general.”
2. Hipsters tend to be left-leaning and embrace social causes usually eschewed by the right. Conservative-leaning Hipsters are Libertarians rather than Republicans. Hence, the only acceptable answer is “d.”
3. Living in a deck neighborhood is key to being a Hipster. The handbook specifically anoints Wicker Park (as well as the Williamsburg section of Brooklyn, Belltown, Seattle and Inner Mission, San Francisco), making “b” the correct answer.
4. A bit of a trick question. The correct answer is “d,” which makes the unlikely Entertainment Weekly an acceptable Hipster periodical.
We can explain. No. 4 in the handbook’s 11 Clues You Are a Hipster states, “You have refined taste and consider yourself exceptionally cultured, but have one pop vice (ElimiDATE, Quiet Riot and Entertainment Weekly are popular ones) that helps to define you as well-rounded.”
5. Hipsters know the power of a deck book inside their shoulder-strap messenger bag. So while it’s not essential to have read any Hemingway, Eggers or Hornby, ownership of such books is mandatory, making “c” the proper answer. In addition, No. 6 in the handbook’s 11 Clues You Are Not a Hipster states, “You read novels with raised lettering on their covers,” knocking “a” and “d” out of the running.
6. The handbook claims Hipsters reserve their “sharpest disdain” for SUVs, which they refer to as “smog unleashing vehicles,” so “a” is out. Also key to being Hipster is distinguishing yourself from the masses, canceling “c” and “d.” The answer is “b,” as used Vespas help riders avoid looking “ostentatious.”
7. While “a” and “b” may be technically accurate, “c” is the only correct response for a Hipster.
It should be obvious to you by now that Hipsters don’t join tennis clubs and wouldn’t be caught dead watching such mainstream drivel as the “Today” show. If you answered “d,” you’re both unhip and out of touch, although there is a boy band called O-Town.
8. Any Hipster worth his or her salt is open to a wide variety of musical types, so “d” is an unacceptable answer.
But to remain deck, music can’t be predictable, canceling out “c,” and should possess a sense of irony, dashing the hopes of “b.” The correct answer is “a.”
9. According the handbook’s glossary, “bust a moby” means “c,” to dance. The example given alongside the definition is, “Let’s go to the Tunnel and busy a moby.” The phrase’s origin is not given, so it’s unknown whether Moby, the electronica artist, deserves credit.
10. The answer is “d,” but we’re not sure why. All six celebrities in “a,” “b” and “c” are listed under the Handbook’s “Celebrities Hipsters Have Crushes On,” even though Tyra Banks, Reese Witherspoon and Johnny Knoxville seem woefully mainstream.
Alas, it seems even Hipsters have their guilty pleasures.
