Dear Annie: I am an independent and successful woman, but I have a problem with relationships. I have dated a great number of terrific men, but I have broken off every single relationship. Why? Because eventually I begin to feel that “things aren’t right.” After months of dating, I lose all enthusiasm for life and become severely depressed. When I end the relationship, it feels as if a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I am currently seeing “Josh,” a man who could truly be my soul mate, but the pattern is repeating itself. I feel physically ill when I think about a commitment to him. My friends and family tell me I would be crazy to give him up, and I realize that I have a lot to lose and nothing to gain by breaking up with Josh.
I never have regretted breaking up with my previous boyfriends and always assumed my instincts were telling me to hold out for Mr. Right. Right now, my brain is telling me I’ll never find a better match than Josh, so I wonder if my “instincts” are leading me astray.
Do I need a psychiatrist to sort myself out? Please answer soon before I make a huge mistake.
— Closed Heart in Michigan
Dear Closed Heart: While it’s good to trust your instincts, it’s also possible that you have a fear of commitment, and when things become serious, you panic. Becoming physically ill, depressed and losing enthusiasm for life are rather severe reactions.
Yes, by all means, talk to a therapist. You need to find out why you sabotage the possibility of future happiness. You might learn something.
Dear Annie: I am a 12-year-old girl. Two years ago, my family moved to a new home, and I had a lot of trouble making friends in school. I finally met “Stacey” and found we had a lot in common. We soon became best friends.
I am now in 7th grade, and Stacey and I are still close, but something has changed. When Stacey gets angry, she takes it out on me. She kicks me, digs her fingernails into my skin, trips me when I walk upstairs, and so on. She thinks this is funny, but I’m pretty sure she has no control over it. When she gets angry, she gets kind of wild. I’m tired of coming home every day with scratch marks and bumps. Why does she do this to me? What should I do?
— Bruised and Confused in Maryland
Dear Bruised: Stacey is very unhappy, and she is taking it out on you because you are close by and you put up with her. Tell Stacey, firmly, that you do not like it when she hurts you and you want her to stop. Repeat that sentence, no matter how she tries to justify her behavior. (For example, if she says, “I was just joking,” or “You’re too sensitive.”) If she continues, walk away until she calms down.
Since you are her friend, however, urge Stacey to talk to the school counselor. Obviously, something is troubling her, and she needs help. It wouldn’t hurt for you to keep your parents informed as well. They should know where those scratches and bruises are coming from.
Dear Annie: I do a lot of flying, and occasionally, I find myself on a plane in a middle seat with people on either side. Which armrests do I use? The aisle seat has an armrest by the aisle, and the window seat has one near the window. Who gets the middle two — first-come, first-serve?
— Anchorage, Alaska
Dear Alaska: Unfortunately, yes. Most airline seats are not designed for comfort. Be as considerate as possible, and hope your seatmates are the same.
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Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@attbi.com, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
