The Super Bowl is over, and spring training doesn’t start for three weeks. Are you ready for some basketball?
Yes, while you were hoping John Shoop would go on trial with Betty Loren Maltese and suggesting Jack Concannon should make a comeback, the NBA has played half its regular season. Or half the games necessary before anyone starts trying.
This is not good news for the Bulls, who remain one of the few NBA teams that don’t get to play anymore when the real games (playoffs) begin, so they actually are trying now. And this is it?
Otherwise there have been some things worth noting through the NBA’s first half. For instance, the Lakers apparently misread their off-season manuals and aren’t scheduled to begin the season until February. They are saying it seems like summer anyway.
After all, Grant Hill is on crutches again. And Michael Jordan really (he says to say it 11 times) is in his final NBA season. The best teams? Indiana and Sacramento. Man, could we have fun making fun of those cities in the Finals.
Anyway here’s how everyone looks heading into the second half of the season. Or at least until pitchers and catchers report. Then we begin to think Todd Hundley wasn’t that bad after all.
1. Sacramento Kings. They have taken on every big test and passed with big victories over the Lakers, Mavericks and Nets. It’s just hard to say the championship goes through Sacramento–because nothing else does.
2. Indiana Pacers. No truth that Ron Artest will be a character witness at Chris Webber’s perjury trial. Can’t wait for that Bill Walton interview with Artest in the Finals. Better bring extra cameras.
3. Dallas Mavericks. Apparently Shawn Bradley isn’t going to be the next Yao Ming after all. The Mavs don’t rebound or defend but other than that they should have a good shot to win a championship.
4. New Jersey Nets. OK, OK, Jason Kidd has made his point. Here, take the MVP. Hello, Kenyon Martin. Stop flexing your muscles and block a shot sometime. Kidd is at career highs in scoring and shooting, and he’s the only one anyone defends against when playing the Nets.
5. San Antonio Spurs. Or maybe Tim Duncan should be MVP again. Stephen Jackson is the second best player on the Spurs, and the Nets cut him. Of course the Steve Kerr farewell tour has to be a distraction for everyone.
6. Portland Trail Blazers. If they can trade for Artest and Derrick Coleman and get Dennis Rodman to come out of retirement, they might go all the way. They’re so dysfunctional they make Scottie Pippen look like Julius Erving. And Pippen actually has been. He’s playing his best ball in five years and may get my vote for coach of the year.
7. Detroit Pistons. One of their starters averages fewer than three points per game and another shoots barely 40 percent on free throws. Yes, you come to the NBA to play with the best players in the world.
8. Utah Jazz. C’mon, Jerry Sloan has to be coach of the year. He never has won before but who expected the Jazz to do anything this season? Especially since Karl Malone has become Jeff Malone: mostly jump shots. Of course if Sloan won the award he probably would trade it for a new yak.
9. Los Angeles Lakers. Who knew losing Mitch Richmond would hurt this much? With Yao Ming picking up English so quickly, look for Yao’s interpreter to go to work for Shaq and avoid distracting future incidents.
10. Minnesota Timberwolves. The problem is they really are going to miss the recently injured Rod Strickland. Terrell Brandon would come to the rescue, but he just called down for room service.
11. Houston Rockets. Cuttino Mobley apparently didn’t get the memo: There’s a 7-6 guy standing by the basket without the ball. Copy to Steve Francis and Moochie (no relation to Mookie Wilson) Norris.
12. Phoenix Suns. Maybe that trade for Stephon Marbury wasn’t so bad. He should help the Suns when they play the Spurs next season with Kidd. They’re sending their “How to draft high school players” manual to the Bulls.
13. Philadelphia 76ers. Could make a move if Coleman doesn’t pursue his boxing career. In his first fight, Coleman was knocked down and to regain strength told to “stay down ’til eight.” Coleman asked, “What time is it now?”
14. Boston Celtics. This Vin Baker thing may not be working out. Antoine Walker actually is staying out because his shooting arm was falling off.
15. Seattle Sonics. Big prize at the trading deadline will be Gary Payton, who really is a relaxed, quiet guy. It’s all that coffee.
16. Milwaukee Bucks. No truth to reports George Karl was resigning citing illness and fatigue, that everyone was sick and tired of him. Toni Kukoc is fourth in MVP voting.
17. New Orleans Hornets. Seems hard to believe Tractor Traylor hasn’t developed in this environment. Anyone for gumbo and beignets? They ought to get more serious soon with Mardi Gras coming up.
18. Washington Wizards. Concerned about mistakes down the stretch player/general manager/owner Michael Jordan says they need experience and the team signs former North Carolina standouts Mike O’Koren and John Kuester.
19. Orlando Magic. Strategy of running off one of their few big men, Horace Grant, seems to be paying off. Social Security considering Grant Hill’s disability claim.
20. New York Knicks. With $100 million payroll, it looks like it will cost $4 million per victory, which is only slightly less than the corned beef sandwich at the Stage deli.
21. Golden State Warriors. Rebuilding continues with coach Eric Musselman declaring he needs more players with whom he can see eye to eye, thus accounting for the signing of Earl Boykins and trying to get Tyrone Bogues and Spud Webb to come out of retirement.
22. Bulls. Still hard to believe they can’t make the playoffs in the East. Perhaps if they had Tyson Chandler and Eddy Curry this season. Oops.
23. Los Angeles Clippers. Assist totals drop drastically every time they play a team with salary cap room. Elton Brand does not deserve this.
24. Toronto Raptors. Vince Carter returns after missing six weeks with a paper cut. But says he’s not sure whether he can play because he has to attend rehearsal for his graduation from ceramics class.
25. Atlanta Hawks. They breathe a sigh of relief after finding out they have only 11 season ticket-holders, so their playoff guarantee payout will be $1,375. Ex-coach Lon Kruger says he guarantees they’ll get the No. 1 draft pick.
26. Miami Heat. Realizing basketball isn’t that important anymore, Pat Riley dedicates himself to seeing all the Monkees reunion concerts. Eddie Jones realizes he didn’t go to the better team and asks Bulls to issue that signing news release.
27. Memphis Grizzlies. Still marveling over the two most famous names in Memphis being “Elvis” and “Pau.” The two most often used words from the bench are, “Jason, no!”
28. Denver Nuggets. Proud of their big salary cap space, they’re making plans to sign Ron Mercer. Marcus Camby is put on the injured list for the 2004-05 season.
29. Cleveland Cavaliers. Determined to show they are not the dumb team that got coach John Lucas fired, they offer to change a light bulb. One player climbs the ladder and four others turn it. LeBron James says he won’t sign unless they change the team name to the Cleveland LeBrons.
