Dear Annie: I read with interest the letter from “Lonely in Tennessee,” the divorced college professor who is having trouble getting dates. Years ago, when I was in graduate school, I had a series of blind dates with college professors. Your advice was nearly perfect, but I’d like to ask “Lonely” these questions:
Do you lecture your dates instead of conversing with them? Lecturing to people seems to be an occupational hazard for teachers.
Are your only topics of conversation your field, your research and college politics? If so, make an effort to keep the conversation about general topics, and ask your date about herself and her work.
Do you treat your dates as if they are capable of thought? These women may not be college professors, but that doesn’t mean they are not your intellectual equals.
I hope this is helpful.
— Been There, Dated That in Northeastern Pennsylvania
Dear Been There: Thanks for the addendum to our advice. If “Lonely” thinks he is guilty of any of the above, we hope he makes the necessary adjustments so he seems more accessible to the women he encounters. Here’s more:
From Out East: I was in the same position as “Lonely,” except I was 10 years older. I placed an ad in the personals saying, “Semi-retired college prof, theatre, music, hiking, etc.” Within a week, I had 45 responses. When I met No. 18, I stopped. We’ve been together for 10 wonderful years. “Lonely” should be more creative about increasing his exposure if he seriously wants to find a relationship.
Indiana: I am a widow, also in my early 50s. I am an appropriate weight and keep my appearance nice. I do not have facial wrinkles, and my hair is blond. Yet I see more dismissive looks than friendly ones. Why is it that people think you have nothing more to contribute to society once you pass 50? I am too young to retire and too old to start over. And I hear it gets worse.
Ontario, Canada: I have been divorced for the last eight years. I am a 35-year-old single mother. I am maybe a bit curvier than I need to be, but I work on that. I own my own home, work full time and make over $70,000.
Last summer, I undertook that exercise you describe and asked a few friends for their assessment of my appearance, attitude and personality. They said there were no major impediments to attracting decent members of the opposite sex.
I have become convinced that men wouldn’t recognize a good catch if it bit them on the hook. I don’t have the time or inclination to date casually, and I don’t want men who aren’t upfront about their intentions. I give “Lonely” a lot of credit for trying. If he doesn’t give up, I’ll try not to, either.
Alaska: I am an engineer with an MBA. I am gainfully employed and do not smoke, swear or drink. I own my own house, volunteer to many worthy causes, and have never hit a woman or been in jail. During the two years I spent with a computerized dating service, I contacted 23 women. Some rejected me; most simply ignored me.
Thinking it must be me, I went in for psychotherapy. I have since concluded that it’s not me. The vast majority of women are simply crazy. And that is why “Lonely” and thousands of other decent men have decided to live their lives alone. Women need to do some serious thinking about their values.
Dear Readers: Today is Grandparents’ Day. If you are fortunate enough to have caring grandparents, please take the time to give them a call and tell them how much you love them. It will mean more than you know.
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Annie’s Mailbox is written by Kathy Mitchell and Marcy Sugar, longtime editors of the Ann Landers column. Please e-mail your questions to anniesmailbox@comcast.net, or write to: Annie’s Mailbox, P.O. Box 118190, Chicago, IL 60611.
