Halloween is right around the corner and you’re trying to pick a costume.
Yes, you are. Don’t look at me like that. Yes. You are.
You can choose an easy costume (Bart Simpson), you can go abstract (dress as a tax hike) or you can go super scary (Bill Parcells and a buffet table).
But what I’d really like to see is a whole bunch of Whizzers out there. Big and small, normal size and overweight (easy now). Wouldn’t that be great?
And kids, when you ring the doorbell, drop the whole “Trick or treat!” deal. Instead, say “Take the Seahawks and give 11. Where’s the candy corn?” or “Hand over the Snickers and stay away from the Bengals until next year!”
Directions for your own Whizzer get-up:
Get a white chemical protection suit (preferably new) and roll around in the mud.
Use truck mud flaps for the ears and attach to your head with string, not glue. Trust me here.
For the hat, use the finest velvet outfit you can find in your parent’s closet, cut a square, roll it into a cone, and staple it. Or just lift the Merlin cap off Mickey Mouse at the opening of “Fantasia” like I did. That mouse never saw it coming.
And if you like the outfit enough, wear it until Christmas. Just don’t sign any checks in my name.
And here now, the picks.
Bye week: Colts, Steelers, Cardinals, Jaguars.
WEEK IN REVIEW
If a game is “pick em” or “off the board,” I get the benefit of the doubt and take the game straight up. Why? Because I make the rules. Why?
Because these are my picks. Why? Oh, buzz off.
OK, LET’S REVIEW: Last week: 10-4
Season to date: 41-43-5
GOOD DOG, YES YOU ARE (win):
Titans, Cowboys, Panthers, Dolphins, Browns, Patriots, Ravens, Broncos, 49ers, Rams.
NO, WHIZZER! (loss): Bears,
Packers, Redskins, Bills.
BEARS
MATCHUP
Bears (1-4)
at Seattle (4-1)
3:15 p.m.
WFLD-Ch.32
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Head-to-head:
Seahawks
lead 5-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
Let’s keep it simple
this week, OK? The
Bears last traveled
to Seattle in 1984.
They haven’t won
there since 1976.
Chris Chandler is your new Bears quarterback.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Seattle’s Shaun Alexander has 10 career 100-yard games. The club is 8-2 in those games. The Bears
defense is ranked 31st against the rush.
THE LINE
‘Hawks by 11
OVER/UNDER
41 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Seahawks. Oddly enough, Bears and
Seahawks
eat fish.
LIQUID LOCK
MATCHUP
Dallas (4-1)
at Detroit (1-4)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Lions lead 8-7
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Lions have problems, but they’ve also allowed only 4 sacks. The Cowboys have sacked the QB 10 times. The Lions just found another problem.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Dallas RB Aveion
Cason spent 2001-02 with the Lions so he knows all the great places in Detroit that have a mechanical bull.
THE LINE
‘Boys by 3
OVER/UNDER
Over/
under:
39
FINAL SHAKE
‘Boys will be boys, Lions will be losers.
Curb that animal If you pick this game, clean up your own mess
MATCHUP
Baltimore (3-2)
at Cincinnati (1-4)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Ravens
lead 10-4
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Ravens’ Jamal Lewis has rushed for 481 yards in 4 career games against the Bengals. But this Bengals defense is ranked No. 10 in the NFL.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Bengals coach Marvin Lewis was once the Ravens’
defensive coordinator, so he may have a trick or two up his sleeve. Unless he goes sleeveless.
THE LINE
Ravens by 2
OVER/UNDER
36 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Oh, what the hell. Bengals.
THE REST
MATCHUP
Green Bay (3-3)
at St. Louis (3-2)
3:15 p.m.
WFLD-Ch.32
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Head-to-head:
Rams lead
43-39-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
Brett Favre, your favorite three-time NFL MVP with that dazzling smile, is 11-19 lifetime indoors. That doesn’t include his Ping Pong record, which was unavailable at press time.
KEEP SCRATCHING
The Rams have won 9 straight home games, and QB Marc Bulger is 9-2 record as starter. The Rams look real, even though the grass still looks fake.
THE LINE
Rams
by 4
OVER/UNDER
49
FINAL SHAKE
Rams. You don’t like it? Hey, who asked you?
MATCHUP
New Orleans (2-4)
at Atlanta (1-5)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Falcons
lead 40-27
WATCH YOUR STEP
New Orleans’ Deuce
McAllister has 3 TDs in the last 3 games against the
Falcons. So look for him not only to get the ball but to be bragging about his 3 TDs.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Falcons tight end
Alge Crumpler leads all NFL tight ends with 316 yards
receiving. That’s about it for good news for Atlanta. Back to you in the booth.
THE LINE
Saints by 1 1/2
OVER/UNDER
41
FINAL SHAKE
Saints. Yippee. Two underachieving dome teams.
THE MATCHUP
Tennessee (4-2)
at Carolina (5-0)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Panthers lead 1-0
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Titans’ No. 2 NFL passing offense stares into the face of a Panthers defense surrendering the league’s second fewest points (68). And the Titans burp in it.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Are the undefeated Panthers overhyped? Panthers safety Mike Minter said, “You can’t win a Super Bowl after five games.” Oh look, a math major.
THE LINE
Cats
by 1 1/2
OVER/UNDER
37 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Titans. I still love you, sweet Carolina.
THE MATCHUP
New England (4-2)
at Miami (4-1)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Dolphins lead 44-28
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Dolphins have won 4 straight since dropping their opener and watching it shatter all over the kitchen floor. In those games, Miami’s opponents scored 10 points or less.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Unlike the Chicago Cubs,
the Pats have never won an October game in Miami. That’s a 0-13 record.
Maybe try a higher SPF.
THE LINE
Fins by 5 1/2
OVER/UNDER
37 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Pats. Show the goat a good time in South Beach.
THE MATCHUP
Philadelphia (2-3)
at N.Y. Giants (2-3)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Giants lead 73-61-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
Struggling
Giants QB
Kerry Collins tied a career-high with 59 pass attempts last week, and boy, is his arm tired.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Struggling Eagles QB
Donovan McNabb has the second-worst passer rating among NFL starting QBs. His arm isn’t tired; it’s just really kind of bummed out and doesn’t want to talk right now.
THE LINE
Giants by 2 1/2
OVER/UNDER
37 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Yes, Eagles fly. But this time, just run.
THE MATCHUP
Denver (4-1)
at Minnesota (5-0)
Noon, WBBM-Ch. 2
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Vikings
lead 6-4
WATCH YOUR STEP
Daunte Culpepper, the Vikings’ starting QB, is back. Jake Plummer, the Broncos’ starting QB, is out.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Randy Moss has 5 TDs in the last 2 games, but the Broncos defense is the NFL’s second-best.
And it’s a rolling stone. Think about that.
THE LINE
Vikings by 3 1/2
OVER/UNDER
44
FINAL SHAKE
Vikings. Not to win, mind you.
THE MATCHUP
San Diego (0-5)
at Cleveland (3-3)
Noon
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Chargers lead 10-7-1
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Browns do not forget as they have gone 10-3-1 all time against former head coaches. This team is 2-0-1 against Marty Schottenheimer, who never did get Cleveland a Super Bowl.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Chargers RB LaDainian
Tomlinson leads all
running backs with 29
receptions. Check me on this, but he’s a “running” back, right? So … let … him … run.
THE LINE
Browns by 5 1/2
OVER/UNDER
41
FINAL SHAKE
Browns.
Because the Chargers reek.
THE MATCHUP
N.Y. Jets (1-4)
at Houston (2-3)
3:15 p.m.
HEAD-TO-HEAD
First
meeting
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Jets lead the NFL with +15 sack differential (19 sacks, 4 allowed). Look, I spent all day hunting down good news on the J-E-T-S so give me a little credit.
KEEP SCRATCHING
Don’t get me wrong, I love football. But this game ranks behind Odessa Permian High School’s game on Friday night. Plus, Permian has cheaper food and a better halftime band.
THE LINE
Jets
by 3
OVER/UNDER
37 1/2
FINAL SHAKE
Anyone playing the Jets. This week, that’s the Texans.
THE MATCHUP
Washington (3-3) at Buffalo (3-3)
3:15 p.m.
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Bills lead
5-4
WATCH YOUR STEP
Remember the rule about rushing the ball to win games? The Bills have the NFL’s worst running game (57.5 yards per game).
KEEP SCRATCHING
The Redskins have lost 3 of the last 4. I would like to apologize for any pain I may have caused Steve Spurrier. If I haven’t caused any, I apologize for that too.
THE LINE
Bills
by 3
OVER/UNDER
39
FINAL SHAKE
Bills. Bruce Smith sheds a tear.
THE MATCHUP
Tampa Bay (3-2) at San Francisco (2-4)
3:15 p.m.
HEAD-TO-HEAD
49ers lead 12-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
The Bucs have surrendered just two sacks. And they have scored a TD on 11 of 14 trips to the red zone. And every player brushes his teeth before bedtime.
KEEP SCRATCHING
The 49ers’ defense has 19 sacks, so they can pressure the passer. The question is “Will they?” The answer is “Hang on. I’m on the phone. I’ll get back to you.”
THE LINE
Bucs by 3 1/2
OVER/UNDER
39
FINAL SHAKE
Bucs.
Old-time pirates over old-time miners.
MONDAY NIGHT
THE MATCHUP
Kansas City (6-0)
at Oakland (2-4)
8 p.m., WLS-Ch. 7
HEAD-TO-HEAD
Raiders lead 42-41-2
WATCH YOUR STEP
Yes, we’re all amazed with the Chiefs even if Dick
Vermeil cries whenever the wind blows. Consider this: K.C. has racked up the most first-down yards in the NFL (1,085). OK, now I’m crying.
KEEP SCRATCHING
The Raiders have won 6 of past 7 between them. But these Raiders have come apart like a cheap sweater made of cheap material with cheap stitching. You get my point.
THE LINE
The line:
Chiefs by 3 1/2
OVER/UNDER
Over/
under
47
FINAL SHAKE
Chiefs.
Does
Dallas get them in the Super Bowl?
