Q: My husband is Jewish, I’m Catholic, and we’ve decided to raise our 3-1/2-year-old son Jewish. We’ve agreed, however, to celebrate both Jewish and Catholic holidays, including putting up a Christmas tree, which is very important to me. Do you think we should give our son his holiday gifts on Christmas or Chanukah? We don’t want him to be confused, but we don’t want him to feel left out. Also, should the gifts be from Santa, and what should we say about Santa Claus?
— Confused in St. James, N.Y.
A: The “December Dilemma” is by far the most challenging problem for interfaith families raising children. You’ve already made the most important decision — to give your child a primary religion. Now the challenge is to understand what that decision means.
The first thing it means, as you indicate in your letter, is to do nothing to confuse your child about his religious identity. Anything related to Christmas in your home is a potential source of confusion. Even though a Christmas tree is important to you, you might consider putting it in your parent’s house or some other nearby relative’s house. This would help create a more uniform and consistent Jewish environment in your home.
However, we know many interfaith families who put up Christmas trees and their children still feel Jewish. Perhaps this is because a Christmas tree, unlike a creche, is not specifically a religious symbol. It’s actually a medieval winter solstice symbol that was eventually absorbed into the immense Christmas tsunami.
Presents you give your son, and each other, should be given on the eight days of Chanukah and wrapped in Chanukah gift paper. That will settle the problem of Santa, who, if he does come up in conversation, ought to be referred to as a friendly guy with flying reindeer who makes Christians feel good at this holy time of year.
On a deeper level, you should understand that part of what it will mean for your son to be Jewish is, in fact, to feel left out of Christian holidays and celebrations. This is not a bad thing; it’s just a different way to celebrate the holy times of the year.
Emphasize the beauty of Chanukah and of other Jewish holidays and foods. What Judaism gives up in twinkly trees, it wins back in twinkly menorahs. Play dreidels with your son and help him put up Chanukah decorations at home.
Also emphasize the common ground of both faiths by explaining that Christians and Jews worship the same God, that God loves all people just the same, and that your son can admire Christmas without taking it into his soul. The miracle of Christmas and the miracle of Chanukah need not lead us apart from each other into lives of envy and isolation, but rather can lead us to each other as we admire and share the lights and lessons of this holy season.
Q: I thought my daughter had hit an all-time low when she was trapped in an abusive marriage to her first husband. Fortunately, she escaped the marriage alive and five years later found happiness with another man. Unfortunately, he has a 20-year-old son from a previous marriage who’s a holy terror.
The boy’s mother kicked him out of the house because he was wrecking her life and the life of her daughter. His uncle and aunt were able to take him in but only for four months; they also could not handle him. Now he’s moved in with his father and my daughter. He’s been fired from four jobs, has wrecked every car his father has given him, and has been using their house to smoke pot and have wild parties when they’re away.
His father wants to kick him out but he can’t bring himself to do it. He cries and says, “If I kick him out, I’ll never see him again.” Any advice?
— Anonymous, Ridge, N.Y.
A: Tough love is called that for good reason. Sometimes the nurturing, permissive environments we create in our homes offer the atmosphere for some kids to grow into healthy, mature adults. Parents need iron-clad discipline and a firm resolve to teach such destructive and broken young adults that actions have consequences.
In these rare and heartbreaking cases, families alone are not strong enough to give a child what he needs — not what he wants. Two important goals here should be forgotten:
First, this boy needs the kind of help his family cannot provide. Secondly, it is morally and spiritually unconscionable to allow a self-centered wild child to claim more victims of his needy, destructive and immature life. Every community has social service agencies ready to help, including those that can take such troubled children into sheltered care. Please seek the outside help you need.
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(Concerned about a religious, ethical or moral issue? Send questions to godsquad@telecaretv.org, or visit www.askthegodsquad.com)
