Dear Amy: I have a dear friend, “Mary.” We used to work together but now live more than 100 miles apart. We remained close enough that we attended each other’s weddings and met for lunch every time I was in town. Earlier this year she gave birth. I became very concerned when she never called me to tell me about it. I feared something was wrong, but assumed she was just having typical new mom issues and was overwhelmed.
I finally heard from Mary when she returned to work, and made plans for lunch when I was in her town, but then she canceled.
I recently heard from a mutual friend that Mary has told people that her baby was born with a disability. I haven’t heard this from Mary yet. I am torn. I want to reach out, but my previous attempts were unsuccessful. I know she will tell me this news in her own time, but I am worried that she is feeling guilty about leaving me in the dark. (During our phone conversation she apologized tons of times for “being such a bad friend.”)
Is there anything I should do at this point besides wait for her to be ready to tell me, since she does not even know that I know about her baby’s condition? It is not that I feel she owes me anything, but I just want to help her in any way I can.
— Trying
Dear Trying: It’s kind of you to want to help your friend, but there’s probably not much of a practical nature you can do for her. Or rather, you’re already doing it, by “trying.”
I think it would be fine if you dropped your pal a line to let her know that your mutual friend has told you that her baby was born with medical problems and that of course she’s in your thoughts, as always. Don’t sound too sad, don’t sound too curious, and don’t develop any sudden expertise on her situation; but let her know that you care about her and will be there for her and encourage her by saying you just know she’s a great mom.
Remind her of an anecdote or incident from your mutual past that will illustrate this and maybe even make her laugh.
Tell her you know she’s busy and say you’ll make sure and give her a call when you’re in town next because you’d love to get together.
Don’t worry; friendships ebb and flow due to distance and personal difficulties. But the old ones are the golden ones; they prevail. Just be patient.
Dear Amy: First off, I’m not gay, but I’ve got a rather unique problem — I had no idea whom to ask.
I’m a 38-year-old woman who has zero interest in men! What is wrong with me?
I have had two long-term boyfriends, and the last relationship ended five years ago. By the time the second relationship ended, men completely grossed me out — yuck. I do not want to see a “professional,” but I am starting to think I may have some problems.
Other than this, I am 100 percent happy and satisfied. Fulfilled. I just have no desire to pursue any relationships. Is this “normal”?
— Alone and Happy
Dear Alone: I have news for you: Hardly anyone wants to see a professional. Professionals cost time and money and sometimes lead us right into the heart of the matter. Getting to the heart of things can be difficult, but knowing the truth trumps wondering if you’re normal every time.
In your case, your extremely low sex drive might have a physical or emotional cause. Low libido could be a result of abnormal hormone levels but is also one symptom of depression, for instance. This lack of interest is not normal since it indicates a change and doesn’t feel quite right to you. Even though you describe yourself as alone and happy, you must be a little worried, because you took the chance of putting pen to paper, and I’m glad you did.
Start with your internist. Tell your story just as you’ve told it here.
Dear Amy: My husband and I have been together for 10 years now and have five beautiful kids, ages 6 months through 8 years old.
Can you give me some pointers on what to do with the little time and little privacy we have? Locking the door and looking into each other’s eyes doesn’t work anymore.
— Heather
Dear Heather: Are you asking me how to have sex with your husband? Seems to me you already know that, my dear.
I called my friend Helen (mother of six!) and read your letter to her. She suggests that getting out of the house — even for a short time — is the charm.
Then she told me an anecdote involving her, her beloved husband and the family mini-van that I’d rather not repeat.
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Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Readers may send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.com or by mail to Ask Amy, Chicago Tribune, TT500, 435 N. Michigan Ave., Chicago, IL 60611. Previous Ask Amy columns are available at Amy Dickinson’s Web site, Chicagotribune.com/amy.
