A football player making a call on his cell phone in the end zone to celebrate a TD is so last year! Q asked readers to dream up a new celebration for today’s celebrity-savvy athlete. You were very good sports about it. The top three entries win athletic supporters.
First place:
Upon reaching the end zone, pull out a banner to hang from the goal posts: “Mission Accomplished.”
–Ervin Stembol, Alexandria, Va.
Second place (tie):
Immediately after spiking the ball, the touchdown-scoring football player pops out a laptop and puts the ball up for sale on eBay.
–Sharon Dynek, Chicago
Emulate the ancient Aztec game of ollamalitzli. Score a touchdown and you can keep the clothes and jewelry of your opponent (there is some serious bling-bling out there). Oh, and the captain of the losing team is decapitated.
–Mathew Mandeltort, Green Oaks
You other champs, celebrate as you wish:
Every time a player scores, his own theme song plays. “Hey, look at me. It’s all about me. It’s so great to be me.” Or he might opt for The Who’s “See me. Feel me. Touch me.”
–Mary Beth Crosser, Monee
Pull out a mini-digital camera and take photos of your teammates congratulating you (be sure to get the photos posted on your Web site right after you’re ejected from the game).
–Rosemary Dolowy, Chicago
When a pro football player scores a touchdown, a La-Z-Boy should be immediately rolled out into the end zone! The triumphant player sits in the lounger and gets a lap dance from one of the team’s cheerleaders, while wolfing down a couple of beers and Big Macs. Then the pampered player is rolled off the field by his own personal accountant, financial adviser, bail bondsman and lawyer. He will want them with him in case the football commissioner wants to do something about this over-the-top celebration.
–Paul Dunn, Bloomington
Considering all the press Madonna got for kissing Britney Spears, the next time Tiger Woods wins a PGA tournament, he should kiss Vijay Singh. Not only will it garner headlines, maybe it will also get Vijay to reconsider his stance on women competing on the PGA tour.
–Liisa Eckersberg, Wilmette
In hockey, when a player scores a goal, he gets to kick the goalie as an extra point.
–Violet Jurich, Chicago
Hire the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to sing your praises after every score.
–Sandy Kampner, Oak Lawn
For all you athletes who feel you may not be getting your share of the media spotlight, here’s a celebration suggestion that is sure to be a slam dunk, touchdown play, grand slam, etc. Two words: spontaneous combustion!
–Steve Magnino, Arlington Heights
They can bend over, point to their coccyx protector and impertinently shake their rump in a gesture known to all former college athletes as the “in your face, Professor Wilkens, I told you I didn’t need to know how to solve quadratic equations in order to be a success” dance.
–Chris Miksanek, Rochester, Minn.
After scoring a touchdown, hand out discount coupons for your new clothing line to fans in the stands.
–Tom Nee, Oak Lawn
During winter sporting events, ski jumpers and snowboarders fall back into the white powder and make snow angels.
–Ed Nemmers, Skokie
For the next male winner of the Chicago Marathon: Turn your nipple Band-Aids into souvenir earrings. Present them in a velvet box when you propose. Or better yet, sell them on e-Bay.
–Liz Neukirch, Genoa
Hold up a sign with the name of the team he really wants to play for.
–Ross Peterson, Worth
The celebrity-savvy athlete might show off his feminine side by kissing fellow teammates for making these points possible. You could call this The Erogenous End Zone.
–Bud and Marge Podrazik, Chicago
There ought to be many opportunities for a college player to celebrate after a touchdown while at the same time promoting a sponsor’s product. For the MasterCard Alamo Bowl, a player is showered with hundreds of “pre-approved, low interest rate” promotional credit card applications, some containing the credit card itself, representing how many unsolicited credit applications the average person receives a year.
–Tom and Teri Wiley, Elkhart, Ind.
