“Please apologize right now. I’m waiting. Look him directly in the eye when you say that you’re sorry. That wasn’t very nice. How would you like it if he did that to you? You wouldn’t, would you? That’s what I thought. Is everything O.K. now? Yes? Now go … [play, read, do your homework, eat breakfast, empty the dishwasher, clean a river, file your taxes accurately, solve the Middle East crisis], and remember this for next time.”
And they are off and running, satisfied that the apology has settled the matter. This scenario plays out countless times a day in my classroom and in my home. As a teacher, I expound the value of a sincere apology; as a parent, I yearn to hear even the disingenuous uttering of, “I’m sorry”; as a consumer, I appreciate tales of corporate responsibility and accountability; and as a citizen, I have come to expect excuses from politicians.
Why do we look for children to apologize so readily and yet we make such a fuss when an adult shows remorse? Excuses, denials, and back-stabbings have become the norm, and it can be unnerving when politicians and other public figures demonstrate regret. Oddly enough, admitting, “I’m sorry” to the public has lately become both so chic and so exhilarating that it makes full banner headlines. Public apologies are so novel that seasoned politicians are unfamiliar with the technique that as children, they should have known well.
Starting at a very young age (at home and then at school), children are taught that it is better to say they are sorry than to cover up or lie about their misdeeds. I am sorry that I spilled the milk. I am sorry that I hit my brother. I am sorry that I spit on my friend. I am sorry that I told you I hate you. I am sorry that I lied. I am really sorry that I got caught.
As children grow older, these lessons continue at home and at school. Children are TAUGHT and TAUGHT and TAUGHT that people should apologize when they make mistakes and should own up to their wrongdoings. That said, however, we live in a competitive, greedy society where apologies do not come easily. Unless backed against the wall, our political and corporate leaders lack the self-esteem that would enable them to take responsibility for decisions that went south. Damage to reputation and the public’s loss of confidence outweigh the benefits of honesty, integrity and even penitence.
President Bush has repeatedly squirmed in the apology spotlight, unable at a news conference that he called on April 13 to remember ANY mistakes he had made post 9/11. “I don’t want to sound like I have made no mistakes. I’m confident I have. I just haven’t–you just put me under the spot here, and maybe I’m not as quick on my feet as I should be in coming up with one.” Despite repeated urgings from reporters, Bush also refused to accept personal responsibility for failing to act on warnings he had received prior to 9/11, including those explicitly stated in the Aug. 6 President’s Daily Brief.
Unable or unwilling to learn from the blunders of that performance, Bush again refused to offer a direct apology when he appeared on the Al Arabiya and Al-Hurrah Arabic television networks on May 5. While the situation was still damage control, the context had changed from personal responsibility concerning 9/11 events to personal responsibility for the welfare of the Iraqi prisoners.
While the president did advocate that the guilty be held accountable for the appalling abuse of prisoners, he never said that he was sorry. Two days later, Bush supporters could finally breathe a collective sigh of relief when the president apologized to Jordan’s King Abdullah for the horrible humilities suffered at Abu Ghraib.
By his own confession, other Cabinet members, including Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, never anticipated that the abuse of prisoners would merit not only an expression of regret, but also a personal acceptance of blame and an offer of his deepest apology. The tide is indeed turning, as was initiated by Richard Clarke’s testimony at the 9/11 Commission Hearings and his apology to the families who lost members in the 9/11 tragedy. While the jaded and the angry still believe that in most situations, the powerful (e.g., Enron, Tyco) will always go unpunished, many people are now clamoring for apologies from politicians and other public figures.
These adults are relearning the lessons they were taught as children: Apologies can lead to a feeling of safety, self-awareness, and trust–all principles that are essential for a healthy life, inside and outside the classroom.
Sometimes, children are understandably afraid to say they are sorry because they are afraid of the consequences. While extreme consequences may often be imaginary, the reactions are the same: denial, cover-up and hypocrisy. At school, we have a croon that I call, “Not Me!” It requires almost no prior knowledge of music or classroom politics and is easily adapted to a variety of spontaneous verses. Just plug in the facts and you too can join in:
Me: “Who left the library such a mess?
Children (chorus): “Not me! Not me!”
Me: “I can’t imagine that all these books just picked themselves off the shelves and scattered on the floor. Who was reading here?”
Children (chorus): “Not me! Not me!”
Me: “Who is going to volunteer to help me straighten this up?”
Children (chorus): “Not me! Not me!”
Refusing to take responsibility, and its evil twin, inability to apologize, are flip sides of the same fearful, insecure coin.
Teachers instruct their students to respect one another, admit when they do something wrong, and apologize to the aggrieved people, who are often their good friends. Unfortunately, the “Not me!” phenomenon just keeps getting in the way of these lessons. Of course, children (and adults) are willing to apologize once they get caught–it is changing this self-interested behavior that is the difficulty, especially when the stakes are high.
So how do teachers actually TEACH children to own up to their mistakes and say they are sorry? By modeling receptive behavior. Teachers listen to both sides of a problem. If a child does not feel safe in his or her surroundings, then there is no trust, no real dialogue and no satisfaction. By listening, teachers can verbally re-create the act and help all parties be heard and calm down. In resolving a dispute, everyone’s viewpoint must be aired, everyone must understand the chain of events that occurred, and apologies must be given and received. Then the parties can and will move on.
Until next time, that is.
We all want our children to feel physically, mentally, and emotionally safe and secure. To that end, we teach them not to hit, shove, bite, steal, lie, etc., because it is wrong. We teach children to use words to solve disputes since verbal skills are important in all walks of life. We teach children to be honest and forthright because we want them to become decent human beings with developed and healthy self-esteems.
If truth and forgiveness were universal goals for young and old alike, then apologies might be seen as a sign of personal strength and not just politically motivated newspaper headlines.
Similarly, the willingness to compromise could also be seen as an indication of vigor, and an admission that an individual, or a political party or a corporate maneuver has not succeeded could become a procedural norm. Society would have to be restructured, however, so that political, social and economic realities allow for such risk and honesty.
Who would impugn such a fanciful scheme? Not me, not me!
