The nation is safe.
No body parts were revealed at this year’s live MTV Video Music Awards. Those expecting a Janet Jackson-style wardrobe malfunction had nothing to fear. Despite a bit of defiant preshow posturing on the part of MTV execs, there was no nakedness at Sunday’s VMAs.
No nakedness, and nothing that came close to risky behavior (and sorry, Christina Aguilera in a gold lame dress and non-matching red hosiery doesn’t count). But did you really expect that? Not if you’ve really followed MTV’s history.
The thing that the cable music channel has perfected is courting controversy without breaking any actual rules. Despite the many infamous moments of MTV history–the Madonna-Britney kiss at last year’s VMAs, the Michael Jackson-Lisa Marie Presley kiss in 1994, and most ickily, Diana Ross fondling Lil’ Kim’s nearly bare breast in 1999–the channel has always appeared to be more rebellious than it really is.
An audio delay was used on the broadcast Sunday night but, aside from the occasional rap-song bleep, the channel didn’t really need to use it (though by midway through Jessica Simpson’s second song, I was really hoping someone would turn it on, purely as an act of compassion).
No, the VMAs, like the MTV Movie Awards, is a safe if sometimes slightly salacious annual rite of passage, in which the young, pretty people that MTV and the corporate entertainment machine have anointed as stars are confirmed as–you guessed it–stars.
Between the fashion, the wacky entrances (Matthew Lillard being passed through the audience on a raft, Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips inside a clear plastic ball, Jessica Simpson hanging from a giant fluffy bracelet), very little of the show is actually about music.
But music–and whoever wins the video awards–is kind of beside the point.
One of the members of Detroit rap group D12 summed it up best during the presentation of one award: “And the winner of … whatever … is Tony Hawk.”
Congrats on your whatever award, Tony!
That was just one among many weird, not-that-entertaining moments at the ceremony. Despite the celebratory atmosphere that preceded the actual event, with nominees and starlets arriving on yachts, the live broadcast had an anticlimactic, oddly disjointed vibe.
This year, the VMAs didn’t have a designated host, and that was a mistake. Though comic Dave Chappelle and “Daily Show” host Jon Stewart showed up now and then, they weren’t around to dish out off-the-cuff zingers when the night needed them, as when a stage microphone failed early on and No Doubt had to accept an award using a random hand-held mic.
Instead, Stewart was confined to stiff, unfunny snippets from the set of “The Daily Show” in New York, and Chappelle’s brief appearances were similarly uninspired.
The most charged moment occurred when John Kerry’s two daughters took the stage to urge young people to vote; there was audible booing, some of which could also be heard after President Bush’s daughters appeared in a short taped segment, also urging young people to do their civic duty.
So politics did intrude on the night after all. As did music, occasionally. The ads for the new iPod music player from HP were pretty darn cool, for one thing.
But, musically speaking, I could have done without yet another awards-show performance from video-of-the-year winners OutKast, who seemed sick and tired of “Hey Ya!”
And I could have done without younger performers trying to give themselves credibility by trotting out their elders. One of these days, MTV should just allow people like Stevie Wonder and Chaka Khan to perform solo, instead of making them share the stage with Alicia Keys and Kanye West, respectively.
But the most representative musical moment was when Australian rock band Jet won an award for best rock video (the awards, you may or may not know, are decided by … oh, I don’t know how they’re decided. And let’s not pretend that anyone cares). Anyway, as a band, the retro Jet is entirely devoid of any original ideas, so, in one sense, they’re a perfect expression of the MTV VMAs.
Because they have really great hair.
Moon Men went to …
Video of the year: OutKast, “Hey Ya!”
Best pop video: No Doubt, “It’s My Life”
Best rap video: Jay-Z, “99 Problems”
Best female video: Beyonce, “Naughty Girl”
Best male video: Usher featuring
Lil Jon and Ludacris, “Yeah!”
Best R&B video: Alicia Keys, “If I Ain’t Got You”
Best rock video: Jet, “Are You Gonna Be My Girl”
Breakthrough video: Franz Ferdinand, “Take Me Out”
Best director: Mark Romanek, “99 Problems”
Best special effects: OutKast, “Hey Ya!”
Best art direction: OutKast, Hey Ya!”
Best editing: Jay-Z, “99 Problems”
Best cinematography: Jay-Z, “99 Problems”
Best choreography: Black Eyed Peas, “Hey Mama”
Best dance video: Usher, featuring Lil Jon and Ludacris, “Yeah!”
Best hip-hop video: OutKast, “Hey Ya!”
Best group video: No Doubt, “It’s My Life”
Best new artist in a video: Maroon 5, “This Love”
MTV2 award: Yellowcard, “Ocean Avenue”
Viewer’s choice: Linkin Park, “Breaking the Habit”
