If I had one golden rule for college … I’d be on a book tour right now. (Sigh.)
That’s not to say I didn’t learn anything. I learned quite a bit–journalism, history, indoor plumbing. College is a cesspool of information just waiting to contaminate you, and you don’t want to step in unprepared.
So, in the absence of a golden rule, the best I can do is offer the things I wish I’d known before I started. They’re worth remembering, so take notes. Better yet, have a friend take notes and make you a copy.
FIRST IMPRESSIONS: Feeling stressed about your first day at school? Good, because getting lumped into a dorm with a bunch of emotionally vulnerable strangers is about as fun as it sounds. And it’s reassuring to know that in these first few days, when you’re feeling incredibly insecure, you’ll be judged on how you look, what you own and whether you can quote “Chappelle’s Show” or “Sex and the City.”
On the bright side, none of these people know you, so tweak your social resume accordingly: You’ve been watching foreign films and listening to underground hip-hop all your life; you’ve been a Cubs fan even back when they were losing 90 games a season; and you’ve never, ever had a Hilary Duff poster hanging on your wall.
RELATIONSHIPS: College women date only upperclassmen. Let’s get that one out of the way. Also, people in relationships with “someone from back home” are treated like lepers. Moving on.
SOCIAL LIFE: Nothing to fret about here. Really, campus life is just like it looks in the movies or on MTV. Everyone drinks nonstop, makes out and picks fistfights.
OK, not really. Really, your social life will likely be whatever you make of it. If you like dancing, there’s probably a frat house playing Jay-Z. If you like sports, there’s probably a bar showing the game. If you like being holed up in the library, it’s probably open. Be nice to me when I’m working for you someday.
Meanwhile, there’ll always be a party to go to, and maybe you’ll go.
One minor point: Drinking a lot does not make you cool. It makes you think you’re cool. It transforms you into someone who gropes things, who can’t have a conversation without showering people with spit, who can’t have a conversation, period. Don’t be the one who vomits in the back of a car or in a hallway. (The courteous vomiter always seeks out a toilet or, at worst, a washable surface.) Don’t be the one who’s brought along as a sideshow and not as a friend.
Other than that, you’re on your own.
LIVING OFF CAMPUS: For a lot of people, living in an off-campus apartment is a big step, mostly because they’ve never lived in a sinkhole before.
Oh it’s going to be dirty, you can count on that. The nice apartments go to the rich and the well-connected, leaving you and your friends the one that lists “padlocks on all doors” as an amenity.
Two possible responses: You can take up the mop and broom or you can take the attitude that you’ll be out in a year or two, and in the meantime you’ll step around the garbage bags piled up by the back door. I chose the latter, and it goes without saying that by the end of senior year, even the mice put on sandals before walking across the floor, and the stack of dishes in the kitchen sink unofficially qualified as the tallest mountain in Illinois.
It’ll all work out fine, but maybe plan it so your parents see the place early in the semester. And never again.
There you have it. Consider yourself prepared–prepared to find this column completely useless. You’ll face your own challenges and come away with a personal experience that I hope proves satisfying when graduation day rolls around. Enjoy.
Now, about that cesspool known as a
career …
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lebersole@tribune.com
