Our Sunday started at 1 p.m. with Fox’s network pre-game show. It ended at 9:18 with New England as the Super Bowl champions. Here’s what happened in between.
1:04 p.m.: Most Americans will spend more time Sunday with Terry Bradshaw than they will reading a good book. Blame yourselves.
1:14: The first update on Terrell Owens’ injured leg: We don’t know, we still just don’t know.
1:27: In a $1 million made-for-TV golf contest, Brian Urlacher’s drive falls short of the hole. Once again, a Bear doesn’t advance.
1:35: A promo tells us “Kelly Clarkson in 20 minutes.” If we started running now, we might avoid the blast zone.
1:55: And oh good: It’s Jillian Barberie. And Randy Jackson.
2:36: Terrell Owens is on the field! Terrell Owens is on the field!
2:45: Setting a good pace so far, drinking plenty of fluids. Saving strength for Earth, Wind & Fire.
2:55: The depth and breadth of Sunday’s silliness is so wonderful. The Jacksonville Super Bowl’s very own mascot is Scoop, a 6-foot-6 pelican in shorts and sneakers. Do they set him free after the game?
3:57: That was 62 minutes of nothing. Meanwhile, the alien on “American Dad” sounds like the late Paul Lynde. He was on “Bewitched.” And “Hollywood Squares.” Oh come on, people.
4:01: Bradshaw and Paul McCartney sing together, and somewhere Simon Cowell’s head just exploded.
4:45: The pre-game concert inside the stadium is underway. Hope the Patriots and Eagles players remembered to TiVo this.
5:35: Based on the team captain haircuts it’s the Patriots’ game to lose. Tedy Bruschi’s hair came to play, folks.
5:38: Adam Vinatieri’s foot ended the last Super Bowl and it starts this one. Speaking of feet, Owens is playing.
5:41: Donovan McNabb fumbles. The entire city of Philadelphia just screamed “Game over!” But officials rule he was down. The entire city of Philadelphia just screamed, “I cannot do this all night!”
5:46: The first minute of this game took seven minutes. Estimated length of game: Seven hours.
6:06: Owens’ catch goes for 30 yards, and he celebrates with a flap-and-flex. See, now every kid in America is going to want screws inserted in their ankles.
6:21: The cameras on the pylons just debuted. Why not a camera on the actual ball?
6:33: Eagles tight end L.J. Smith scores the game’s first points, and the next 50 babies born in Pennsylvania are named “L.J.”
6:43: Patriots play for New England, right? So Vermont, Maine, Connecticut, Rhode Island and New Hampshire have been to more Super Bowls than Chicago.
7:00: Just as Patriots fans consider popping the Red Sox World Series DVD in, Brady hits David Givens to tie the game. And Givens does a little T.O. flap-and-flex dance. Touche, sir, touche.
7:10: Halftime. Cue the ex-Beatle.
7:41: A TV reporter said Patriots coach Bill Belichick wasn’t talking much. Maybe he’s bummed because he’s always working on Super Bowl Sunday.
7:48: It didn’t take long for the Patriots to go up 14-7. Does anyone make faster halftime adjustments than Belichick? I mean, besides Justin Timberlake.
7:52: Mike Vrabel caught that TD from Tom Brady. Ohio State guy, Michigan guy. It’s so wrong.
8:00: Patriots faced third and four deep in their own territory and overthrew a long pass. That is so exhibition season, fellas.
8:15: McNabb threads the needle to Brian Westbrook for a TD. Tie game, folks. Think the network suits are happy with this one?
8:23: For all the talk about the two kickers leading up to this game, we haven’t had a field goal attempt through three quarters. Poor guys. Wonder if they text message each other during the game.
8:25: Corey Dillon’s TD does two things: It puts the Patriots up
21-14, and it puts Corey Feldman and Corey Haim back on top, if only for a moment.
8:40: You get the sense this game is slipping away from the Eagles as there are nine minutes left and–HELLO!–Patriots kick a field goal. It’s 24-14.
8:46: McNabb throws a pick, signaling the end of Super Bowl parties everywhere. And my experience tells me that nobody–nobody!–touched the raw cauliflower. Again.
8:58: As the Eagles scramble to come back, I picture a little mouse in an Eagles jersey running in place as a large cat in a Patriots jersey pins the mouse’s tail and yawns. Maybe it’s just me.
9:03: Patriots were favored by seven points. So, yeah, that amazing Eagles touchdown catch matters.
9:15: Like the sun over the horizon, the Eagles’ Super Bowl dreams have disappeared as the Patriots win again. Also, my butt is asleep.
